New relationship? worries

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elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 1/3/2012 3:20 AM (GMT -6)   
shakehead shakehead

I've been kind of seeing this guy. We both have some of the same problems-depression, instability and a history of bad relationships. I really care about him alot, but I've had my worries about us being together. We understand each other on a very deep level, but on the surface I think our personalities clash. I'm very nice and want everyone to get along mostly, though I have my very dark side. He's a good guy overall, but he likes messing with people, and being mean sometimes just for his own amusement...kind of brash and offensive at times. I feel really protective and caring toward him but other times I just don't know what to say about some of the things he says or does.
Anyway, I've told myself over and again I shouldn't jump into another relationship because I still don't know how to even take care of myself and I know it would just be a bad move right now...:/ He's told me he loves me and could see us being together forever...We have not really known each other very long. Less than two months. I get easily attached to people in a way, and I don't know what to do...especially after something that just happened. He introduced me to a friend of his, a girl who he said he had had sex with in the past, but he said nothing like that would happen with them again, and that they were just friends. I've been talking to her too, and she's been really nice to me, but tonight she said that he had talked to her not long ago and said he wanted to sleep with her again. Apparently he was drunk, but still...it just makes me think the things he's said can't be trusted. I can tolerate a lot, but I don't know how much I can take in a relationship...with rude and nasty behavior. It just makes me want to be alone, yet I get so lonely that I just don't know what to do with myself.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 1/3/2012 7:56 AM (GMT -6)   
As a mother, I am screaming "NO NO NO!!" Those offensive comments he makes comes from insecurities and they will eventually be turned on YOU!!

I also beleive you should never date someone with more problems than you have-lol!!

You are right when you say to take care of yourself first...get better and I bet yyou find someone waaaay better for your wonderful self than him!!

Take care
Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

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greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 1/3/2012 8:40 AM (GMT -6)   
ELF STTTOOOOPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No, no, no he is NO good! You most likely get attached because you have the need to be loved. This man is "loving" you, but not in the pure and understanding way that you need it. Already you have seen the negatives of this guy and ontop of that, he seems to be sexually active with others. In your condition right now, you don't need the added stress of him having sex with multiple women.

Everything that you are facing is very tough and you also are probably upset over the loss of your last relationship. I remember Maggie telling me early on not to date someone with more problems than me... and it's so true. I have added on to that philosophy of dating and I want to "upgrade" after every relationship. By this, I mean that I want someone who offers more or is in a better place than the last person I dated. This is not to say the last person I dated is bad, it just means I've realized things that need to be changed. Sweetie, I don't think this guy is an upgrade...

Just because you CAN tolerate a lot doesn't mean you SHOULD tolerate a lot. Cut it off. I can almost promise it won't affect him as deeply as it will affect you... some people are just that way, they can move on. You were starting to deal with your problems. Don't fall into this abusive relationship just because it "feels" good. I'm reading a book by Sam Obitz and he states that the feelings of a depressed person are nearly 99% unrealistic. It's not that they are wrong, it's just that you aren't seeing the whole picture right now.

Take care of YOU. You deserve it, just let yourself have it :)

Courtney

Jim1969
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 1/3/2012 8:49 AM (GMT -6)   
Princess, get your own house in order before inviting company over.....know what I mean.

While I can certainly understand being lonely and also being lonely in that "special" way that only being in a romantic relationship can seem to take care of, IMHO, at this time in your life you will be far better off taking care of any loneliness through purely platonic relationships. Join a club or two. Volunteer somewhere like at the hospital, nursing home, library, etc. These places are usually always looking for people willing to come in and help out with "projects" like playing games, reading to kids, just visiting to help relieve any loneliness that others may be feeling.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.
Moderator Depression Forum.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 1/3/2012 9:22 AM (GMT -6)   
I agree with the above posts Elf... Take care of you. Don't settle for less than you deserve, this guy is not good enough for you. The comments will only get worse. And his behavior will too. Especially if he is drinking. You don't need this in your life right now. You can do better.

Please listen to our warnings. We care about you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 1/4/2012 4:01 AM (GMT -6)   
I appreciate the advice..and I know how it seems, that this guy is bad news. I'm not ready to completely kick him out of my life though :/ I should mention that we are not "officially dating" as I told him I'm not ready for that and I don't want it. We told each other that we can both see other people, etc. The only reason I find what he did so messed up was because he specifically told me him and this girl would not "hook up" or whatever, again. Especially since she is now a friend of mine. I confronted him about it and he apologized and was all upset. I'm taking a lot of steps back from this. Agh, I always see the good in people and want to help them, especially the ones that have been kicked all throughout their life like he has. I do see the good in him. I know this could come back to bite me and alot of times it does. I hope i won't get called stupid too much for this...It's going to be a process for me though. I just can't do it yet :(

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 1/4/2012 5:48 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Elf,

No matter what you decide, we are here for you. I don't know how this will pan out. I don't know if people will say I told you so. I hope not. So whatever you decide, know we are here. I hope that this doesn't come around and bite you in the butt. But if it does, we are always here for you. Take care of you, and be careful. I really don't want to see you get hurt. But some people do change.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 1/6/2012 4:52 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you...<3 We shall see. My life is ridiculous.....I do need to steer it in a better direction, regardless of this guy

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 1/6/2012 5:57 AM (GMT -6)   
You can put labels on your relationship like not "officially dating" and intellectually that is cool. But the heart wants what it wants and I just see this relationship being way heavier on your side than his. I think he is unable to commit and you should run, not walk away...I was a caretaker personality too (still am), want to fix everybody and make them happy. All that time I should habe been working on me and making ME happy so I could have a fulfilling realtionship with a relatively well adjusted person.

I hope you can start detaching yourself from him..try just a little...hate to see you get hurt...sometimes we have to look past the present to what the future holds for you and him...what do you see in a year from now? Is this thing going to sustain itself? Is it gong anywhere?

I know this seems harsh, I just feel strongly that this is a bad choice for you right now...There has got to be someonegood for a terrific lady like you

Take care
Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

cymbalta seroquel hydrocodone klonopin magnesium potassium
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