I'm sorry...Just need an outlet

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Crimson Red Scarlet
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 117
   Posted 1/3/2012 5:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello all,

I introduced myself a little while ago because I had a feeling I'd be visiting this forum more and more often. I feel ready to a give little more background on myself...

I now know that I have suffered from depression since I was a child. What I once interpreted as these vague feelings of doom in the pit of my stomach were actually feelings of despair. I became dysthymic in my early teens and had my first panic attack when I was 15. It took two years to diagnose me with a panic disorder and it took me another seven to finally concede to taking an SSRI (Paxil). The first two weeks on that medication were pure torture, but then the side effects went away and the drug started doing what it was meant to. It worked great for about two years and kept me functional for another six. After that I switched to Effexor and now Cymbalta. Neither of these SNRIs work and the last time I saw my doctor he seemed utterly discouraged (imagine how I felt). I am now awaiting a call so that I can be evaluated by a psychiatrist as my doctor noted that I am resistant to medication and therapy and for all intents and purposes am non-functional. I still take the Cymbalta until I am prescribed otherwise, along with Klonopin but I feel little if any relief.

The estimated time for the call is two months! I continue to see a therapist and work with my self-help books, but I don't think my brain can take much more of this. I can actually feel it unravelling. I have been nearly continuously depressed since July with very few moments of respite. Feeling completely helpless and restless today, I tried posting in the depression and anxiety forum what I could to help others. It was a completely selfish endeavour, I was simply trying not to think about my mind. It simply does not feel functional - it is the weirdest sensation.

I doubt I'm a danger to myself...but I don't wholly trust myself either. Ugh! I'm not even comfortable being this open (thank goodness for anonymity!) But I just don't know what else to do! I've always dealt with depression as a side effect to my panic disorder. After all this time, I think I had it backwards and despite all my reading, I'm at a complete loss-and though this bothers me, I think I'd rather just float away because the work involved seems insurmountable - even when I break it down into chunks. Again, I'm terribly sorry for going on and on, but I'm not used to this much hurt and utter despair. Perhaps I'll continue this later...now my thoughts are becoming morbid and my brain sluggish.

Sorry for any typos, I can't bring myself to re-read my post to check for errors. Again, I'm sorry for the long post. I really don't mean to bring anyone down.

Thanks for listening,

DW

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 1/3/2012 5:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey DW

That's what we are here for-to listen to those suffering like us and to vent and feel better...do not apologize for a long post...it takes as long as it takes.

I'm sorry you are having it so rough right now-me too. I'm beginning to think I am treatment-resistant too...so tired of med changes and waiting for my life to begin...I know, I know..we have to help ourselves get there butyou know what I mean...progress seems very elusive right now and I am spending alot of time doing nothing, trying not to think.

all I can say is hang tough, I listen to music (can't read anymore) and post here likeyou to take my mind off my own misery-lol...that's ok too...we don't care why you're here as long as you need us..I hope you can get some answers soonmyy counselor dropped me and I have to start all over again...

hang in there-here if you need me

Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

cymbalta seroquel hydrocodone klonopin magnesium potassium

Betsey Ross
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 1056
   Posted 1/3/2012 7:07 PM (GMT -6)   
DW I am so sorry to hear that you have depression and feel that you are unraveling Hang in there, we do care about you. You can email me if you need to talk. you can get my address by clicking on my name.

Soft Hugs
Betsey
crushed lower knee and vertical fx of tibia/external fixator placed/plates and screws and tried to place big pieces of cartiledge under knee cap/tremendous pain in affected leg continously without improving/allergic to metal in left leg/leg isnt straight/ metal removed in July//then total knee replacement/straighten out leg/more phsyxical therapy/take oxycontin,flexeril,cymbalta,vicadin for BT

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42495
   Posted 1/3/2012 7:15 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi DW,

Have you ever thought about adding a mood stabilizer? It often helps antidepressants such as ssni's to work better. I used one with effexor and I am using one with pristiq now. They work very well together. Sometimes when antidepressants don't work alone, you need the mood stabilizer.

I see nothing wrong in helping others to help ourselves. If that is selfish, then I am selfish too. It does help me to feel better. But I think sometimes we need to take our minds off of ourselves and onto something else. You aren't avoiding the situation, you are coping with it in your own way and that is okay too. Sometimes you just need a break. I am all for taking breaks, I take them often. If I don't want to deal with something, I don't. Some might see that as bad. But if it is really important, then I deal with it when I have to. It works for me. Other than that, I just don't think about it.

I hope that you get to feeling better soon. Depression is no fun. But I think about the time you forget about things, you will see improvement that you didn't notice before. It is there as long as we keep trying. But often the change is subtle and you don't notice it right away. Keep on keeping on.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Crimson Red Scarlet
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 117
   Posted 1/4/2012 10:01 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi again,

Babyoub2 - I'm sorry you are also having such a rough time. I completely know what you mean about having to help ourselves "get there," but when the energy and evil thoughts are bombarding you it is so very difficult. Progress can be slow but as long as we keep working at it I'm sure we will cross that elusive finish line eventually (it's not a race but a marathon, right?). I spend most of my time doing very little, but am constantly thinking (I should probably stop that;))

I find it sad that you can't read anymore...I don't know what I would do? I need words to give me hope and inspire me (not that that is working at the moment - details, details) But listening to music is good - I tend to forget how uplifting it can be. I can't believe a counsellor "dumped you"! I hope you find another, more competent and compassionate one soon. Thank you for the kind words and encouragement, they mean a lot.

Betsey! It is so nice that you took the time to write! I have been thinking about you and wondering how your leg is doing? I hope your pain level has gone down. To be honest, I think about _Dex (do you remember him?) a lot too! If he were still around I don't think I would need my therapist (he was way more effective, lol!) I find it strange that I'm still mourning his passing... But what can you do!? Thank you for the offer, Betsey - I must admit at being a bit shy at using peoples e-mails 'just to talk' - must be the schizoid in me;)

getting by - A mood stabilizer has never been suggested to me, besides which I thought those were for cases of bipolar, psychosis or borderline personalities, etc. I don't feel I am the one who should make that call. Once I get a full psychiatric evaluation, I assume the psychiatrist will know what course of action to take. But I will keep that in mind and ask about it.

One of my issues at the moment is I don't want to deal with anything! Not chores, finances, exercise, nutrition, the list goes on. I know keeping my head in the sand is not helping, but I like it in the sand. Its warm and if I'm lucky some creature may eat me (hopefully in my sleep - which I do a lot of - I think I could give cats a run for their money in the sleep department).

Thanks for the encouragement. I am trying, but I'm really tired.

Regards,

DW

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42495
   Posted 1/4/2012 10:17 AM (GMT -6)   
I am one to hide my head in the sand too, hoping problems will go away. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. But a little rest from a situation never hurts. Just as long as it is a little rest.

Yes, mood stabilizers are also used for bipolar and psychosis, but they are great just as a mood stabilizer too. I take abilify and it has really helped me. But it isn't right for everybody. But if your depression doesn't get better, it is something to consider. They make antidepressants work better. For some of us anyway. Some people don't like them.

I hope that things get better soon. Break up your tasks and do one thing at a time. You will get them all done eventually.

Best wishes for a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

tmjpain
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2024
   Posted 1/4/2012 1:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello DW
We've met in chat before. If you remember I live in Ottawa, just down the road from you so to speak.
I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. I know it is not easy as I fight depression on a daily basis as well due to my chronic pain. I am on Pristiq, Wellbutrin and Remeron. The Remeron was addin in July and that is the med that has made the difference for me.
I hope once you have your evaluation that they can really help you.
I do remember Dex, what a great person he was. Such an ispiration that made you just want to keep plugging away at life.
I hope you will continue to post as I think that can really help. The members here are so caring and understanding.

Keep the faith ok,
Suzane

Crimson Red Scarlet
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 117
   Posted 1/4/2012 2:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi TMJ,

Yes, I recall meeting you in chat and that you live just up the road;)

I also recall that you are often in terrible physical pain, and to add depression...I can't even imagine! I tend to feel guilty having a variety of mental issues that must pale in comparison with those that suffer from chronic, often debilitating pain. I'm glad you found a medication that is making a difference. I hope you are feeling better.

It made me so happy to hear that someone else remembers Dex! (I almost cried! Luckily, my expressive emotions are pretty non-existent) To think I knew him for such a short while yet I think about him everyday (he would so hate for me to be saying this, lol!) He never said much, but when he did he spoke volumes. I still miss my long conversations with him (we e-mailed and texted a lot). I really need to get over it!

Thanks for writing and best regards,

DW

tmjpain
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2024
   Posted 1/4/2012 5:39 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey DW
how are you feeling tonight? I hope a little better. May I ask your name.

Yes I suffer from continuous severe headaches. It's been twelve years now. Although the meds don't help with my pain, it is a relief to occasionally feel a lift from the depression. Either physical or mental are a difficult battle so don't think that what you suffer is any less than my load. Your pain is just as important and I would love to see you feeling better.
So hang in there. Do it one day at a time, that is my motto.
i'm sorry I can't remember if you work? do you ever come to ottawa. Wouldn't that be something if we could meet one day.

Yeah Dex was a great guy. Always so upbeat despite his illness. I remember being so shocked when i was told in the chat room one night. Even though I knew it wasn't looking good for him(i am a nurse so i had a bit of background regarding what he was going thru)one is always saddened when hearing the news. A part of him lives on in you, so you can keep his spirit alive by keeping on with your fight to beat this mental illness. And that's what you can hear him saying, keep on fighting.

I hope we meet up again in the chat room one day.

Take care,
Suzane

Crimson Red Scarlet
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 117
   Posted 1/4/2012 8:50 PM (GMT -6)   
Good evening TMJ,

Tonight? I'm pretty low, but that is par for the course.

I'm sorry to hear that the meds don't help with the pain, but the occasional relief from depression must be encouraging.

No, I don't work. I tried going back for a little while, but the agoraphobia was more than I could overcome at the time. I used to go to Ottawa fairly often, perhaps one day I'll stop by for a visit;)


Again, thank you for the support and encouragement.

Take care,
Natalie;)
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