I'm not sure if talking helps but I'd figured it wouldn't hurt to try.
When someone asks me about
depression or suicide I always say how stupid it is and what a waste of time it is but realistically I've contemplated every single day for the past few years. I've never talked to a single soul about
this except for now. It's actually a bit embarrassing admitting it since I've spent years trying not to show how I actually feel.
I met a girl a little more than a month ago on my birthday. we started talking (which is rare since I can't talk to women), and we immediately hit it off. We kissed and made plans for next time. This was the first time I've ever been truly happy, the first time I actually wanted to live, I quit smoking a few days later since I didn't need it anymore. I spent Christmas with her and this was definitely the best Christmas I've ever had in my adult life. As you could probably guess, the happiness was short lived...
a week ago she started having her own family issues (with her dad). I tried my best to comfort her but anything I did, anything I said just annoyed her even more. I had no idea what to do so I just kept quiet. She started saying I was smothering her and that she didn't like being touched so I distanced myself even more. Her issues seemed to be resolve a couple of days after and I thought she would get back to her old self. Unfortunately I was wrong, I haven't heard a single word from her for a week now, she's been completely avoiding me. I tried asking her sister for any kind of news but even she has started to avoid me as well. The only thing I can do (that I cant think of) is to go to where she works and try to talk to her there but I'm afraid if I ask her about
us she would just break up with me. I'm afraid if that actually happens I might find the resolve to die. Deep down I know I don't want to die but this past few days of not knowing why she's ignoring me, not knowing what I did wrong to make her hate me, not knowing if she loves me anymore is absolutely the most horrible thing I've felt.
I apologize for the long rambling but I'm trying to find ways to. I know my problems are pathetic when compared to what other people have experienced, like bullying, abuse etc. I've never had any of that (maybe a little bit of bullying but just name calling). But this is the first time I've actually loved anyone.
I had to remove a few words in your post, as we aren't allowed to discuss suicide...
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 1/7/2012 6:50:56 AM (GMT-7)