New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
86 posts in this thread.
Viewing Page :
 1  2  3  4 
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 1/8/2012 1:59 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi everyone,
 
It has been a long time since i have been on here. I am currently on school holidays and have been since the 7th of December. I am back on the 2nd of Feb. Now, ALOT has happened in a short space of time and i am sick to death of EVERYTHING and im ready to jump off a blimin cliff so here it all goes.. (Sorry, its going to be long!)
 
Just before xmas at the start of Dec, i went down to Wellington because everything was getting too much for me in Auckland and i needed a break. It wasn't much of a break though. Nana was going through a very very bad patch and she was in hospital as she was vommtiitng, falling over, feeling dizzy and was not keeping up with her fluids. I was going back and forth from the hospital and it was really hard seeing nana in such a state. She was very very happy to see me as i was for her, although, it broke my heart! She got discharged after a couple of weeks and had weekly visits as well as daily home visits to her house. She was and still is getting injections every day and ever week she goes into hospital to get poison into her. She has a bag and looks awful. Christmas was especially hard because it will be her last. Its only a matter of time now and im always worried when the phone rings that its "the" phonecall.
 
I have been getting into ALOT of arguments with the family. Mostly mum, my brother and his girlfriend. I have made up with my brother and his girlfriend after months of abusive txts, phonecalls and emails but am still at war with mum. My nephew was born on 07.01.2012 at 2:13am and his full name is Lucas Francine Read. I have only seen him in photos which breaks my heart because already i have sooo much love for that child and i cannot hold him in my arms and tell him that. I want to see him but at the same time, i cannot be too pushy and all that.
 
My aunty came up a week ago to talk to me about HIM and things like taht as she too was abused as a child. During our talk, i told her alot of things i had never ever told anyone and i thought at the time it was good for me and i felt alot better for doing so. However, that night, i couldnt sleep and i just cried. I had bought alot more things up thats i had blocked out before and i was just more upset and it gave me more to think about. She only stayed for one night before she left again becaus eshe has two kids. That was not good for me cuz i was left with no on to talk to and all these feelings and thoughts but i had no who i felt comfortable sharing them with. For the next 3 days after that, i stayed in my room and cried. I came out for meals which was about 2 and a bit hours in total. My aunty was texting me and asking me if i was ok and i blurteed out things that i shouldnt have like, "no, im crap. I cant sleep, ive got headaches, sore stomachs, my mussles are achey and i feel like jumping off a bridge". Of course, that got her very worried so she phoned my dad and told him. He left it for that night the the next morning he went to work and my stepmum came into my rooma nd had a go at me and told me to not be soo mopey and that i have to stop expecting things to get better overnight because realistically, they aren't. She then started to cry and told me that i need to start talking about things more because im closing myself up and im gettoing everyone more and more worried that because of past things i have done, they are afraid that if im left to shut myself out from everyone for too longm i will end up taking my own life. That got me really upset seeing how sad she and my dad were so i put on my "happy mask" and now they think everything is allgood. I have put on weight, then lost it, then put it on and so forth.
 
I feel like absolute crap and i want to go and jump off a bridge or something like that. Im over everything and i feel sooo sad and upset. I feel more and more guilt every day for everything especiially the end result of HIM!!! I feel guilty for the pain and heartbreak my dad and stepmum feel because they feel helpless towards me because they dont know how to make me better. I feel guilty for everything that has gone down. I just want to get away from everything, but i hhave no where to go. No one wants me. Im worthless. Im a nobody and im stupid and pathetic. I feel so empty and numb. Things aren't going to get any better. If they were going to, it wouldve happened by now. No one understands me and im sick of being so alone in this screwed up world. I hate life, i dont see the point in it. Call me selfish for wanting to end mine, but what are the options? I have tried so much. There is nothing out there for me. Like my mother said, im a waste if space and a liar. Im sick of all this crap. 1 step foward, 100 backwards. Whats the point!? Everyone keeps telling me how much i have changed and they are saying they dont really know me anymore. The truth is, i dont know myself anymore.
 
Me. cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry shakehead shakehead shakehead shakehead shakehead shakehead shakehead shakehead shakehead shakehead shakehead shakehead

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 1/8/2012 6:17 AM (GMT -6)   
First of all,

You are not pathetic, you are not a liar and you are not selfish. This is not your fault. It is HIS fault. Your mother is blaming you because she is selfish and pathetic. You did nothing at all wrong hon. You are the victem here, not your mom...

I am happy that you talked to your auntie. Even if it stirred up some memories. That is going to happen, it is a part of healing hon... It isn't easy, I know, but this is going to resolve itself and you are going to get better. It is hard, you have been abused and violated. It takes time for the mind and body to heal. I think you have gotten better, you just can't see it yet. But you will.

I am glad your stepmum is good to you. Talk to her... I know it doesn't feel really comfortable yet, but it sounds like she genuinally cares about you.

No jumping off bridges unless you have a bunjy cord. lol... Get that out of your mind. Do something nice for yourself hon... Take a nice bubble bath and play some music that you like, something soothing.

Know that we all care about you here. You can come here to talk, and you got my email address.

Take care Jess,

Luv and hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 1/8/2012 7:58 AM (GMT -6)   
Everyone here really does care, Netball, and I want to know why you haven't been in touch more often? You've got to get to know people who are positive and genuinely good and how they behave toward you. That will help you get better, too.

How about asking your dad to permit you to see a doctor now? Maybe a little anti-anxiety medication is called for to help you in moments of stress when all these memories begin to flood your mind.

If you're still seeing a counselor, keep going for visits. The more you get all this out, the sooner you're going to recover. One day all this will have made you into a strong, gentle woman who will be protective of her own life and children and you will know a beautiful love that brings you joy each day.  Try to think about believing in that, because we become eventually in life what we believe.

Take care; keep posting.

It's Genetic

netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 1/8/2012 12:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Karen: I got next to no bloody sleep last night! I kept having dreams aabout my nephew being hurt and my aunty, brother and nana fighting (physically). You know when someone tells you something enough times, you start to live up to it and believe it. Im not talking to ANYONE at home abotu thhis sort of crap cuz they worry too much and dont leave me alone. Believe it or not, im feeling even  worse today and im OVER IT ALL!

I.G: I haven't been posting here because i havent had much access to the computer and i have been out alot. Its only in the last week and a half i have been home. I haven't been back to see my psycologist because we havent been home long. I told him i wasnt going to go anymore because i hate it and i dont want to talk but thatt made him more certain that i WAS going back and that i NEED help. Dad was going to take me to the doctors when i was shutting myself out from everything and everyone because he thought i was "depressed". Im NOT!

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 1/8/2012 1:46:48 PM (GMT-7)


It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 1/8/2012 2:35 PM (GMT -6)   
All right, Netball, I hear you.

You go back to counselling and take any medications prescribed.

School will begin soon and you need to be with young people your own age.

Remember when you rewrote the letter to your mom and we talked about the negativity in it? Turn that negativity around now so that you're looking at the other side of your brain where the positive is begging to be released.

Take care; post as you would like.

I.G.

awty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 790
   Posted 1/9/2012 8:16 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey Kiddo,

There you are, Happy New Year to our Lil Ole Jess, you have been missed around here.

You know I won’t beat around the bush with you, I will be straight up, so that being said, here goes. You are once again being loaded up with adult problems, but you are still a teen. As a result of the things you have been through, you are much more sensitive than others around you, what that means, is you feel on a much deeper level than your peers. I need you to take on board, that feelings can be unreliable. Sure, we feel them, and they can make us think some dark thoughts, but feelings are changeable, they can go up and down many times a day, this makes them unreliable, so we have to be careful about how we act on them.

So next time you are feeling so much pain and doubt, just understand this, feelings change, we can’t rely on them, so we just have to wait for them to pass.

I also want to say, I do not find someone’s choice to say they have been through enough a selfish act. It is the hardest decision a person can make, and it takes so much courage. I don’t encourage it, the aftermath is so raw, as you know, and it takes an age to process it for those left behind: but at the end of the day, no-body made that person do it, they choose to do it and we don’t know how long they have been thinking that, so it does us know good thinking we caused it. We caused nothing, they made a choice.

I want to encourage you to post more often, we could have supported you through every stage you have been going through at the time, which will make you stronger for the next hurdle you are going through. I agree with IG, we all need other people that understand us and genuinely care for us, and I think over time we have shown you this.

What a shame I didn’t know you were coming down to Wgtn, I would have loved to meet you, and give you a big ole bear hug, heck I would be the envy of many, as I get the feeling we all want to wrap you up and keep you close to us at the moment.

I will tell ya a secret kiddo, sometimes when an adult is crying and saying they don’t want you to close up on them, it means they care and they are waiting for you to let them in, and because you aren’t they are hurting. Adults don’t want a fake ‘happy’ Jess, they want a Jess that can say, I am really hurting today, I am having a really crap day. They want the opportunity to be the strong one for a change. You are so lucky to have that Jess, use your Dad and Step Mum, let them be a hero for you; you should not be the one to solve problems that are adult issues.

When your Mum loads you up with her blame and negativity, tell her, it’s not my issue and walk away, don’t stay and argue, she won’t get it for a very long time, if ever. Stay strong Kiddo, you know what’s coming, Kia Kaha Arohanui

netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 1/9/2012 1:35 PM (GMT -6)   
Yeah, i know whats coming, and i know where im heading. You wont want to hear it though. And yeah, my feelings have changed, not for the better though. But i dont even know why im posting. No one cares. Im all alone. Im this cruel cruel world. :'(

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 1/9/2012 1:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Oh Jess, we care so dearly about you. Do keep posting, we want to be here for you the best way that we can. Awty is right, you are a teenager having to deal with adult problems. It is hard, but you are growing and will evolve from the experience, even if it is a negative. It will become a positive in the future, because you have experienced and you have learned.

I just want you to know how much we all care about you. A lot of us have even gone through what you are going through. Some of us can talk about it and some of us can't. But I am sure that there will be somebody who can shed some light and optimism with you.

Just remember through all of this, you have done nothing wrong. You have been wronged, but you have dealt with this in the best way that you have known how. And that is all that you can do. Things are going to get better even if it doesn't feel that way right now. We are all here to testify to that. I have had times I sunk so low that I didn't want to see another day. But I got through it and you will too.

Just know how special you are to us hon. Know we want to support you and help you by understanding what you are going through. And never hesitate to email me. I will always write back to you.

Try to find some positives in your life. I know things probably don't look very positive at the moment, but they will change and you will have options and paths to choose in your life. It will be better, I promise...

Hang in there sweetie.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 1/9/2012 2:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Im hanging iff the edge of the cliff and all thats keeping me from falling is string. I COULD have STOPPED all this crap that im feeling IF I HAD TOLD SOMEONE EARLIER. Looking back at it now, its ALL my fault. Everything adds up. Truth is, it shouldve been me dead, not him. Thats it. :'(

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 1/9/2012 2:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Do not ever think that Jess. You still didn't do anything wrong no matter when you told. You are the victim here, not him. You were taken advantage of in the worst way. This is going to be hard to get through, but you got to start being good to yourself and give yourself a chance to get better. This is so unfair to you, but you can get through this. Please don't feel that it is your fault in any way. You did what you had to to get through what was going on.

Know we all love you here... You are important to us. Don't ever forget that...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/9/2012 2:53 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jess,
 
This is Kitt and I am here to tell you that you cannot change the past,  telling someone sooner may not have changed the final outcome so please do know that you are not alone as many of us here in the forum have gone through what you have. Do not heap any more blame on yourself - in fact start changing your thinking.
 
So many precious lives have been ruined or tragically shortened by unfounded or hideously distorted feelings of guilt and worthlessness.  An obvious factor in self-blame is that hindsight allows you to see things you might have been able to do to avoid the horrible experience. The key point, however, is that only the offender knew where this was leading.
 
To be healed and freed from the oppressive burden of blame, I feel you  need to stop blaming yourself and work through your problems with the help of the people who love you as well as a therapist .  Do not deny your family the opportunity to help you and trust that we here care for you and want to help you to.
 
We want you to be well Jess and I believe you want to be well.  Remember we know where you are coming from and what you are going through so reach out my young friend to the people who want to help.
 
Gentle Hugs,
Kitt
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety, Osteoarthritis,
GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.

www.healingwell.com

"only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be"

mscrowbar
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 877
   Posted 1/9/2012 3:34 PM (GMT -6)   
My dearest Jess,

This is in no way your fault. He commited a crime against you. He was the adult you were the child. Adults are supposed to protect us, not violate us.
You had every right to tell people what he had done to you. He commited a crime and needed to pay for it. Its no different than someone that murders or steals. A crime is a crime.

The thing is, family, and others, can make you feel that it is your fault. That kind of thinking only allows that person to continue committing his crime (in this case, molesting other young girls) Would you want that on your shoulders? No, I am sure you would not.

Now Jess I want you to know that it is possible to get through this. I know, I lived the exact same thing. The only difference was that the crime was committed by my biological father, not a step father.

Here is my story.

I can vaguely remember my father molesting me since the age of 5. 5 years old. Can you even imagine that. I was just a baby. This went on till I was 13. Do you know what he gave me for my 13th birthday present? RAPE
Just after this terrible act he called my mother and step father and told them that he no longer wanted to be a father. He was giving up his parental rights. Its like he bred me to be his own personal sex slave. I hated him for this and yet at the same time I loved him.

There was no way to keep this hidden. It tore me up inside and I became a loner. I gained lots of weight and became emotionaly unstable. I grew angry at the slightest hint of discipline and wanted no one to touch me. Eventually I had to let it all out and tell someone. My Aunt is the one I told and she told my mother. Together they took it to the law and he was arrested for molesting a minor, rape of a minor, and endangerment of a minor. Before he could go to trial he drove his car in front of a speeding train. He knew he would go to jail and for a very long time. He knew he had committed a crime and he was going to be punished - he had been caught.

I was hurt, I was angry and I felt everyone knew when they looked at me that I had killed my father. If I had just kept my mouth shut he would be here today. But you know what? Shortly after he committed suicide my mother told me that he had also molested my young cousins and his girlfriends young daughter. He was a monster and he deserved to pay for his crimes. As soon as I was able to accept that, I was able to move on. I was able to start on the long road of healing.

Jess, I am now 51 years old and married to the most wonderful husband. He is kind and caring and will do anything for me. I have 5 grown children and 11 beautiful grandchildren. I have learned to love again and have reaped the rewards many many times over.

The memories of the rape are long in the past, hidden somewhere in the spider webs of a long closed door.


You can do it Jess. Accept that he is at fault. Accept that he was a coward for taking the easy way out. Accept that this is now in the past and that you are responsible for making sure you move past it. Accept that you and only you can take that first baby step to healing and moving forward. Be strong, don't let him continue to molest you even in his death. Hold your head high and say that you are worth the life that you were given and someday you will have children and grandchildren to prove it.

We love you and care about you Jess but getting past this and moving on with your life can only be done by you. You do what it takes to get thru whether it be counselling or medication or meditation. You have to take that first step........start now.
Denita

forum moderator/RA

Rheumatoid arthritis, Fibromyalgia, meniscus tears in left knee, Cancer survivor

netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 1/9/2012 4:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Im so sorry for what he did to you. I really am.

I cannot accpet a lie. Im sorry. There is no point me writing anymore. Im just pushing everyone away. I will never believe a lie. I have been bought up being lied to, and i do not choose to believe in a lie anymore. It WAS my fault and i am the one to blame for many other things that have gone wrong.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 1/9/2012 6:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Jess,

It is not a lie. It is not your fault. And even if you have done things that were wrong, we all make mistakes. So you have to accept that you are worthy of love and support. We aren't giving up on you.

hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 1/9/2012 6:02 PM (GMT -6)   
It is. I am horrible. I am a liar.

Jim1969
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 1/9/2012 6:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Ok, so what are you lying about?
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.
Moderator Depression Forum.

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 1/9/2012 7:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Oh Netball...you sound like your in so much pain, I really do not know your story but I can tell you are hurting. I also do not believe you are horrible. Don't quit posting there are many members who will be able to give you some advice. It does help talking to others. I wish you all the best...hang in there!

Take care, Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 1/9/2012 8:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Jim 1969: If i choose to think that this is not my fault, then i would be a liar. I am a liar also because for so long, i have blamed my mother for everything, when its actually all my fault.

Yes, i am in ALOT of pain. Both emotional and physical. I fell over today straight onto my kneecap. All swollen and bruised. Oh well, physical pain is my escape. Just wish it would take away the emotional stuff!!!! :'(

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 1/9/2012 10:07 PM (GMT -6)   
Your mother did not believe you when you told her the truth. That is your mother's mistake. You forgive your mothers mistakes, if you did make a mistake, you should be able to forgive yourself too. Give yourself a fair chance to try to get through this. Are you still seeing a counselor? I hope so. You need to be after such a traumatic event in your life.

I am sorry about your kneecap. I fell on both of mine once on concrete steps. They turned instantly black. IT was horrible. And it hurt and stung. I have had problemws with my knees ever since.

Keep in touch with us. You have so many here that want to help you in any way that they can. We don't want to see you hurt so. We want to let you know we are here to support you and just plain listen. Let us be here for you Jess. Let us try.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 1/10/2012 2:32 AM (GMT -6)   
Im a failure. I have failed so many people. You cannot see it and i wish you could. I am seeing my psycologist next Monday. I dont want to and i dont talk to her much. She is going to get me into some S.A specialized councilling but im not going to go. I dont need help. I dont need anything apart from a bullet. Thats it.

awty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 790
   Posted 1/10/2012 4:29 AM (GMT -6)   

Hey Kiddo,

I can see what you are trying to do, you are trying to push us away but it's not working as we care about you.  I have told you many times, I want you to learn from my mistakes.  Do you know how much one session is with a counseller when you have to pay for it as an adult?  It can range up to $400 for an hour and who has that kind of money each week.  That's the mistake I made, I didn't accept the help when I was your age, but I wish I did.  Now I can't afford that kind of expense, so I carry my issues within me.

When I told you you are sensitive and feel things deeply, you have demonstrated that.  Remember, feelings are unreliable.

As for this being your fault, consider this.  If you had a neice, and she was 5, and she was being interferred with by an adult male, would you want to beat up the five year old, or the adult that betrayed her?  You were once that five year old Jess.  And if that five year old found the guts to tell her Mother, and the Mother didn't believe her, who would you be angry with?  You were that five year old Jess.  And as the neice grows, and is able to find the words and the courage to speak out as a Teen, and everyone beleived her except for the Mum, who would you be angry at Jess, the neice or the Mum?  So answer me this, who's fault is it?  That five year old girl that went through so much and lived in fear for many years until she could get away, or the adults that betrayed and didn't protect her?  Drop the guilt party Jess, see it for what it is. 

Do you remember I told you once you were in a safe enviroment, strong emotions that you have had to keep down all those years you were living at home would come up?  This is what is happening, and the emotions are huge and overwhelmning to deal with.  I will be really proud if you keep that Monday appointment Jess, perhaps print off this thread and take it with you, so you have a good starting base and the person helping you has a very clear picture as to where you are at.

Jess, I am really proud of the fact that you have not sugar coated things with us, you have been truthful and honest in how you feel, even though you thought we would all turn away from you.  No-one did kiddo cause you are worth sticking by, we all see your value.  You will eventually be able to take this owful time in your life and use it to help other kids once you have matured, remember the dream kiddo, you told us about it once.

Mscrow, I can't yet read your post, I skimmed it and will go back to it, but I deeply thankyou for bravely sharing your experiences, I am humbled and honoured, you are in the warrior women club.

Jess, I know you are likely to be in bed now as it is 2330 in NZ, I always seem to miss your day posts as I work nights, but you have a good day kiddo, hope you find some clarity through the fog.

Hey, I will be in Aucks in five weeks, but late at night, arrive at 10pm, and next flight out is 0130hrs, ask Dad if he can bring you into the airport, 16th Feb.  I will be with another firend that is terminal, but we can all grab a coffee together with Dad as well, whatcha reckon Kiddo?

 

 


bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 1/10/2012 6:18 AM (GMT -6)   
You will NOT push us away as hard as you are trying...we are your family too and we won't abandon you, even if you want us to go away.

We can ber very stubborn too y'know....see a counselor...just walk in the door and sit, that's all...just once, try it please

As a mom, I love you and hurt for you and am mad at you for blaming yrself

We care and we won't let go
Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

seroquel, hydrocodone clonazepam norvasc multi vitamin and magnesium

Jim1969
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 1/10/2012 8:42 AM (GMT -6)   
I assume you are talking about the abuse inflicted upon you by "HIM", and/or other events related the "HIM".

Quite frankly I do not understand how any of it could be your fault. It really does not matter what you did because "HE" was the adult and you were the child. It was his job to protect you, to see to it that certain lines were not crossed even if you did everything to push his buttons.

Saying it was your fault would be like saying someone who was sitting on their porch reading a book and got hit by a drunk driver who drove off the road and up onto that porch is at fault.

The only lie I see is the one you keep telling that any of this is your fault in any way. So yeah, I guess you can rightfully call yourself a liar. The problem is you are admitting to the wrong lie. Once you are able to see the real truth about what happened and release your misplaced guilt over it you will be able to heal.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.
Moderator Depression Forum.

mscrowbar
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 877
   Posted 1/10/2012 9:03 AM (GMT -6)   
Jess, I will tell you another truth. And then you will see that we are not much different and that you can and will get thru this.

about a year or two after my father committed suicide I asked my mother if she had known. She said that she suspected but did not know for sure. I asked her "why did you not ask me"? Her answer was "I didn't want to know. I just could not accept the fact that it may be true and I couldn't or wouldn't be able to do anything about it". Jess, I hated her for being so weak. I hated her for not doing everything in her power to protect me. And from that moment on I knew that I was the only one that could. I had to be the strong one. Not only for myself but for my daughters and her daughters. I had to be strong for my cousins, my nieces and for any other little girl out there that suffers at the hands of a loved one whether it be the molester or the nonbeliever.


I loved my mother Jess but at the same time I hated her for being a weak person. We never did talk about it again. She carried that shame to her grave. (she died many years later from a rare disease)

Jess, your step father had molested you, it is almost a guarantee that he has or would have continued to molest other young girls. It is a sickness. It is a crime. No matter who loved him or missed him, no matter who believes you or doesn't, it doesn't change the fact that you stopped a criminal from repeating his crimes. You saved the life of another young girl, something your mother could not or would not do.

Jess, you have already proven that you are strong. You have also proven that you want and need help. You just have to push forward, take that first step.....you can do it.
Denita

forum moderator/RA

Rheumatoid arthritis, Fibromyalgia, meniscus tears in left knee, Cancer survivor

netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 1/10/2012 2:46 PM (GMT -6)   
AWTY:
Im not really trying to push people away, just trying to get you guys to realize who i REALLY am and what a BAD person i am. That is alot of money and i am sorry you have to carry your issues within you. I dont have any nieces, so if one of my little cousins came to me and told me that a male adult had been interrfering with them, i would be devistated. If their mothers didnt believe them, i would probably murder them as i would be soooo furious. However, tthat wont happen. I know it wont. If iit does though, i will NOT let them blame theirselves if they were at that age. BUT i was 7/8 when it first happened, so i was older and should've told someone sooner. I will not be in Auckland on the 16th sorry. I would LOVE to meet you, but i will be in Waiheke for a wedding.

MAGGIE:
Even if i tell my psychologoist that i dont want her to come and see me, dad will call her and tell her that she needs to come and see me and try and get me to talk to her. She also comes to my house so thats worse for me if i dont want to talk. SHe will just come in and sit, even if i say nothing.
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
86 posts in this thread.
Viewing Page :
 1  2  3  4 
Forum Information
Currently it is Friday, June 22, 2018 2:57 PM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 2,974,565 posts in 326,189 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 161253 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, A_Warrior's Queen.
288 Guest(s), 8 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
GreenBeans, imagardener2, mattamx, Kent M., BBN!!, lymedriven, Subdenis, Michael77