I can see what you are trying to do, you are trying to push us away but it's not working as we care about you. I have told you many times, I want you to learn from my mistakes. Do you know how much one session is with a counseller when you have to pay for it as an adult? It can range up to $400 for an hour and who has that kind of money each week. That's the mistake I made, I didn't accept the help when I was your age, but I wish I did. Now I can't afford that kind of expense, so I carry my issues within me.
When I told you you are sensitive and feel things deeply, you have demonstrated that. Remember, feelings are unreliable.
As for this being your fault, consider this. If you had a neice, and she was 5, and she was being interferred with by an adult male, would you want to beat up the five year old, or the adult that betrayed her? You were once that five year old Jess. And if that five year old found the guts to tell her Mother, and the Mother didn't believe her, who would you be angry with? You were that five year old Jess. And as the neice grows, and is able to find the words and the courage to speak out as a Teen, and everyone beleived her except for the Mum, who would you be angry at Jess, the neice or the Mum? So answer me this, who's fault is it? That five year old girl that went through so much and lived in fear for many years until she could get away, or the adults that betrayed and didn't protect her? Drop the guilt party Jess, see it for what it is.
Do you remember I told you once you were in a safe enviroment, strong emotions that you have had to keep down all those years you were living at home would come up? This is what is happening, and the emotions are huge and overwhelmning to deal with. I will be really proud if you keep that Monday appointment Jess, perhaps print off this thread and take it with you, so you have a good starting base and the person helping you has a very clear picture as to where you are at.
Jess, I am really proud of the fact that you have not sugar coated things with us, you have been truthful and honest in how you feel, even though you thought we would all turn away from you. No-one did kiddo cause you are worth sticking by, we all see your value. You will eventually be able to take this owful time in your life and use it to help other kids once you have matured, remember the dream kiddo, you told us about it once.
Mscrow, I can't yet read your post, I skimmed it and will go back to it, but I deeply thankyou for bravely sharing your experiences, I am humbled and honoured, you are in the warrior women club.
Jess, I know you are likely to be in bed now as it is 2330 in NZ, I always seem to miss your day posts as I work nights, but you have a good day kiddo, hope you find some clarity through the fog.
Hey, I will be in Aucks in five weeks, but late at night, arrive at 10pm, and next flight out is 0130hrs, ask Dad if he can bring you into the airport, 16th Feb. I will be with another firend that is terminal, but we can all grab a coffee together with Dad as well, whatcha reckon Kiddo?