Down Somewhat Again

Having a Female friend at This Stage
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It's ok as long as we don't cross lines? - 0.0%
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I should not get too close to her and build friendship too tightly? - 0.0%
1
More counseling might be good for my relationship w/ the spouse? - 20.0%
3
I should start posting here a little more to stay open? - 60.0%
0
Things will get better? - 0.0%
1
It's time to move on? - 20.0%

 
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youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 1/9/2012 12:50 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi...I'm back. It's been several months since I've been here, was doing fine, healing, growing but just running into loneliness seemingly on Sunday nights. I guess a light insomnia may contribute to it...although I don't stay up as late and as frequently as I did before.
Allot has happened to me since I was here last and I thought I stop in to get some things off my mind. I'm still separated from my spouse, it's been well over a year now and I've really healed more than I had imagined although things have not progressed toward a divorce, guess I'm just as afraid as my spouse is to a degree. Seemingly she's come around allot, we've been going out to eat, meeting at different places to talk and share our feelings. She seems to want the relationship to work, but I still have reservations concerning the daughter, my spouse being truthful and open more. It's what I need to know.
This past weekend I spent time over my parents home after many years, it was enjoyable and it gave me a chance to talk to my mother and share many of the troubles that I had been through. I know there's been allot of damage in my relationship as far as the disrespect from my spouse, misunderstandings on both our parts and so forth, but I'm just being careful not to jump back into things. We've been through counseling, but I still think that we need to go back to resolve or at least find a resolve for some of the questions I yet have concerning her.
Anyway, my reason for jumping in here tonight is just due to a little loneliness.

I will be transparent, I have not been sexually involved with any other woman while I'm separated. But I did meet a very beautiful girl who stays close to me in the same complex. I wanted to just get to know her, she's so well mannered and it caught my attention. We've become friends over the weeks and months now, about 4. We've been out to ice cream, lunch and dinner twice. I believe she likes me and I feel the same with her, but we both are in the same boat in terms of relationships. So I've been very respectful to honor that, she has told me she has a boyfriend but he's out of state. I respect that and have respected her, and I must not lie....it's been challenging not to be closer to her, but I don't want us to get in trouble. I've told her that I'm married also, and I've been divorced also so she respects me as well. Tonight I find myself thinking about her and wanting to talk to her, but I've just tried to maintain our friendship, not bother her much and just speak whenever we see each other outside on the go. It's better that way. We've not kissed, although I honestly would love to. We've hugged, but that's as far as things have gone. We try to maintain distance and it's just easier remembering where we both are.
I would not reveal her name, and I know this is anonymous as a posting so she would have no idea I'm just needing to open up right now, but she shared that her relationship was abusive, and I've shared with her my troubled relationship also. Nevertheless, I just wanted to make a friend at least for now while I'm out here, until I can figure out where things need to go in my relationship.
I love my spouse still, but I'm afraid of things just going back to the way they were. I don't know if she'll love me again, but I pray that she will be much more open to me this time. I do have a fear with her and that is due to a male friend that seems to like her and have interest in her. Again, I don't want to compete with anybody and I wonder if she's been faithful to me during our separation also. I don't want to be troubled anymore...but I'm just praying and I'll be pr aying all this week. I'm just venting I guess at the moment (in a good way). I'm not angry or jealous, but I just want to know that she wants me...not just the same...but that she has a desire to be with me. Afterall we've been married over 14 years, and we're nt getting any younger. Things still hurt sometimes when I think of it, but I've made significant progress over that past year and few months.

Just want to know what some of you who have known me from past posts might think of this. And again, I feel it's always good to just be open and share. I'm feeling somewhat confused, but hopefully you guys can offer some comfort or sound advise. And please forgive me for jumping all over the place with my writing, I'm just writing as I feel it come to me.

Hope the moderators I've know here are ok. Thanks for letting me come back and post here. It feels like a safe haven when I feel like this. confused rolleyes confused cry

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20140
   Posted 1/9/2012 1:05 AM (GMT -6)   
we are here for you my friend, jamie.
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

Jim1969
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 1/9/2012 7:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Just my 2 cents but I think you need to resolve the issues surrounding your marriage before jumping into any kind of romantic relationship with anyone else.

It has been a year now since your separation and it sounds like you have been left in limbo by your wife, and it kind of sounds like to me that your wife wants her cake and eat it too. She wants that safety net that you provide but she wants her "freedom" too.

To be fair to you I think she really needs to make a decision on truly working on repairing and re-entering your marriage or ending it. If she won't then it really, totally becomes your decision.

I realize that you do not want your marriage to end and do not want to push her on things but I think a year is long enough to sort enough out to make a few concrete decisions. You have been patient and supportive and now it is time for you to think about what is right and best for you.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.
Moderator Depression Forum.

youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 1/9/2012 9:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Jamiee, thanks for the support.
TY

youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 1/9/2012 10:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Jim, thank you. I appreciate the comments and suggestions. I think she's trying. I remember when we were together and the many days upon days that I would pick her up from work, she would get in the car and hardly say anything. Nothing about "how was your day?" or anything...she would simply start playing around with her iPhone, which I began hating. No communication, no conversation. Tried many days to just be gentle, sometimes wanting to hold her hand while going down the freeway, she would hardly hold my hand back with any kind of affection, just a limp hallf-acknowledgement. So I began pulling away understanding that you can't force someone to respond to you if they don't feel the same. Many small things like this I would try. And the list goes on and on...
I hear some women say (not all women), that men don't know how to be affectionate and romantic, but I've never tried to listen to negative stuff like that. Any yes, I know...there are men who don't (it's true for some), but that doesn't categorize me. I never fought the negative statements, I just always tried to exemplify the love and care that I felt for my spouse.
I can say that when we made plans to get together this past october, we went to a fair that was in a neighboring city and spent time together...it wasn't rushed, it wasn't tense, and coming out of the park we held hands. It was the first time I felt her really hold my hand with meaning. It was memorable. So, in various times that we've been meeting to talk and be open, I've tried not to be argumentative or brash or anything that would make the atmosphere between us tense. She's responded with positive feedback. Now, she says that she has been faithful to me also, but I just really wonder if whomever the person that had an interest in her didn't try to touch her or caress her in anyway....but I'm not spending time wastefully worrying about it. But I do wonder during the times that we were together and she withheld herself from any affection with me, that she hadn't already done so with someone...
I do want to go back to ask in counseling about this, just to settle the curiosity. I've wondered why would she not sleep close to me, why when I tried hugging her in the mornings, she would barely hug me back? This just drove me further and further away from her, because I didn't perceive that she really wanted me to interrupt the feelings that she might have been open with someone else with. I just don't know and for many, many things of this nature and questionable things, I often wondered. Nevertheless that was then, and this is a new place. So, I'm being very prayerful and careful. I want to talk about many things, with her, I must know within my spirit that she really desires "us"
TY

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42308
   Posted 1/9/2012 10:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Youngmil,

I know I posted this morning, but I was having trouble on the forum. I wasn't able to get on for a long time, so maybe it was this afternoon, but I don't see my post. I just didn't want you to think I didn't reply. It is late here now. So this will be short. But know I am thinking of you and hope all is well. Sounds like you are coming along just fine. One day at a time. I hope you can get back into counseling and talk about these things.

I have to go now, bed time...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 1/10/2012 9:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Karen,

It's so wonderful to hear from you, and thank you for the support. My apologies, I didn't see your earlier post, I'm not sure what happened but it's nice to know you're still around. Yeah, I've just been having a hard time for the last couple of days especially. Hope you had time to read my posts...just thought I'd hang out here for a little bit.

What do you think about emotional attatchment? I might have developed an emotional attachment to my new friend. I'm finding it hard to not think about her, wonder what she's doing and thinking. Is this wrong? Is it just the need to want to have someone to talk to...If so, I may have gone too far, and I don't want to do this.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42308
   Posted 1/10/2012 10:32 AM (GMT -6)   
This is where you wait and see I guess. I have a new friend, and we see eachother everyday. Her husband works in another state. But I know when he gets home, it will be coming to an end. Because of course she will want to be with him. I will miss her, but I accept this. Plus I will be doing other things at that time of year too with my husband. So I am enjoying this while it lasts. I don't know if this helps you any or not. But as they say, love is as perennial as the grass. It may leave you, but it always comes back in another way.

One day at a time TY. Do be careful, but if you are finding friendship in this person, I think it is okay. But it is what you are comfortable with. Have you talked to your wife about the divorce proceedings? Or are you wondering if it will work out? It must be so difficult for you right now wondering what to do. But when I was little my grandmother would always say "if you don't know what to do, do nothing". And that works.

Keep posting, Keep up the good work.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 1/10/2012 7:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you, Karen. When you say ...[This is where you wait and see I guess]..., can you clarify for me?

As for the new friend, I thought it might be ok also but the complications create the boundaries...and in a way that's good. Neither of us have crossed the line with a more intimate approach. No kissing, just three hugs (to be exact). The marriages help keep the distance, her boyfriend of whom she's not sure about and taking things slow with, is the other buffer.

The first hug was moderately long, initiated by her, the second hug was the same, mutually given for the same length of time, and the third initiated by me and it was short.
I think the complications come in with emotions just knowing that she at least likes me enough to share the hugs. And when we talk she looks right at me. But anyway, so much for details.

My spouse is communicating more with me and I with her via text, it's comforting to say the least and let's me know she cares. And as far as divorce, both of us have leaned toward it, but not gone through due to just a very ambivalent state, wondering where we both are with everything. Remember, I've already been through a divorce, but it was over 20 years ago and I never wanted to go through another one. So that's why I say I'm trying to be prayerful. Karen you are right, it is difficult not knowing what to do, with so many questions in my mind. So when you stated what your grandmother shared with you, I can relate and actually that's what I had been doing for a long time until she started writing to me in emails with questions of where are we.
TY

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42308
   Posted 1/11/2012 4:51 AM (GMT -6)   
When I say wait and see, I guess what I mean is, I don't know if you should push the relationship with this other woman when you don't know where you are with your wife. I know you are doing that anyway. Being very careful. So see what is going to happen with your wife. I just don't want you to get into a sticky situation and have guilt there where your wife is concerned. You may have to eventually make a decision which you are going to do. I know that you are an honerable man and would not want to see you stress over the situation. It seems funny to me that your wife is changing her tune so to speak and is communicating with you now aobut the relationship. Maybe she is comtemplateing getting you back. Take it slow....

One day at a time TY... Be careful...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 1/11/2012 9:46 AM (GMT -6)   
A h h h h, I understand you now, Karen. You're absolutely right, I am not trying to push with my friendship of this nice girl. I do understand the ramifications of such, and this is where most men and women miss it...they allow their emotions to dictate their choices and end up in an affair or very sticky circumstances that make it hard for them and the other person. So yes, I hear you loud and clear. And you know there is just a level of understanding that has to be taken account of in situations like mine, and although I don't like it -it's taking precaution that supersedes the choices I make.

I appreciate you seeing my heart and understanding my concern, I do want to be honorable and thank you for noting that also...it just helps me to know that I'm on the right track and not skidding off the path with emotions. And as far as jumping back into the boat with my spouse, I am being careful. It's true that she is changing and she desires to see us together. As a matter of fact my mom was telling me the same thing last week, and when I talk to my aunt she tells me the same thing. So, out of the mouth of two or three witnesses every word can be established.

Thank you! I'm hanging in there, trying too :-)

Post Edited (youngmil) : 1/11/2012 8:49:14 AM (GMT-7)


theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20140
   Posted 1/11/2012 6:51 PM (GMT -6)   
keep hanging in there, with healing compassion, jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 1/11/2012 8:39 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you, Jamiee.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42308
   Posted 1/12/2012 7:35 AM (GMT -6)   
Good Morning TY.

HOpe all is going well for you today. We are suppose to get a winter storm. Have to run to town to get scripts today so I have to brave the weather. Hopefully it will hold off until later.

Do keep us posted on what is going on with your life. Many changes I see. Hopefully all for the good. Know that we are thinking of you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 1/13/2012 8:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you, Karen. I trust that the weather holds up for you today, sorry to hear about the frigid temps...I like the cold somewhat as long as I have things to do inside. Most of the time I do, if it's not music then it's writing or working on different websites.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42308
   Posted 1/13/2012 10:02 AM (GMT -6)   
TY,

Thanks for the post. I am so glad that you are feeling well, enjoyed our chat.

Keep posting and letting us know how things are going. We all do care.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 1/17/2012 12:04 AM (GMT -6)   
I was very depressed today. I woke up early, feeling ok...but after going out for a bit, a barrage of things began to flood my mind. I felt like crying, I was so lonely, felt in between decisions, felt hopeless, even felt somewhat suicidal in thought. Felt like no one cared.
I did get one call today from a very sweet friend and her husband who called to say how much they appreciated me (I'm just remembering). They are a much older couple, but they seem to think a lot of me. It's really nice, although they are a very, very busy couple. I must say a bit eccentric in thought, they kind of think on a very sweetly different-strange way of putting things, but they are very nice people.
I was going to call my spouse today, but I was frustrated from our conversation on this past Friday in reference to a funeral -so I didn't. I just said to myself that she would have to call, I don't feel like forcing anything. Funny...she text'd me...we went out to a restaurant to talk. I opened up and shared more with her, she listened, I'm so surprised she's listening. But there's another dilemma (I guess I'm the one to talk?) she met someone. She was open a little bit but she was holding back seemingly. I had to suffer was this almost same situation at the beginning of our marriage, it devastated me. I told her I would not compete with anyone for her. It's not worth it, and it's hard enough just keeping my self-esteem up in regard to women. I guess it's because I've never thought of myself as being attractive. Anyway...I'm feeling somewhat better,,,,but I feel very unsure. I am glad that she still wants to be with me, but I still have more questions.
TY

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42308
   Posted 1/17/2012 9:10 AM (GMT -6)   
If she met someone, why is she saying she still wants to be with you? I don't get it, or did I miss something?

Tread lightly...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 1/17/2012 11:04 AM (GMT -6)   
She said she met someone, but she doesn't keep in contact with him. She met him at some kind of meeting out of town, once here in our home state and again out of town in another state at a meeting. She said he called at christmas to wish all of his friends a merry christmas. He also told her that he respected our marriage, but if things didn't work out he would be available to talk.
I asked her "so do you still talk to him?" she said "no." She said she doesn't call him and let him know at christmas time that she doesn't think its a good idea to keep calling. I asked her "so what if he decides to check on you to see where you are?" she said that she's not keeping in contact with him. Afterwards I sited to her that this same type of issue was going on at the beginning of our marriage and it hurt me deeply. She said she doesn't have his number or contact information. I was quiet for a minute or two. But I can't help but think about how she says to me "I just want to know where you are?" Funny, because I sited to her all the times that I tried talking to her when picking her up from work, and then she said she tried also. But the truth is she did not. Not with any frequency, She was always on her iPhone, very distant, couldn't touch her, she didn't respond when I wanted to just hold her hand going down the freeway. Now after several months of being apart she's waking up. She said at the time she ran into this guy at this out of town meeting (which was a legitimate conference), she didn't care for me. Yet she tells me that she's not comfortable telling anyone about our relationship...??? I'm trying to wonder if this is the truth. I didn't argue with her or say anything negative to her, I was very gentle in my conversation with her.

In my mind, doesn't this sound like, 'if I don't want to continue the relationship, she's got this guy in the background waiting?' I don't want to be stupid, but it sounds like it. She says she's not been with anyone (sexually), but I' still have questions. With this girl, if you don't ask the right way its like she won't say anything until you hit a nerve or within the ballpark of what's not shared. I've dealt with this for years.
It's funny because our conversation last night, she started opening up saying I didn't do everything right and she didn't do everything right either.

I do not want to compete with some other guy. It hurts too much. I think we still need more counseling.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42308
   Posted 1/17/2012 2:44 PM (GMT -6)   
I think you are right. It almost sounds like she hasn't changed. Causing all this unnecessary drama in your life. Partial truths. I don't know if it is worth all the effort you are going to have to put towards a relationship with her. I could be wrong. But something isn't right in her talk and actions. Don't let her hurt you again. But if you want to persue it with her, I would definately go to counseling (maybe together).

I think you are right about the guy in the background. Maybe she should have him. I don't like the sound of this at all.

Take care,

Keep posting and keep your witts about you where she is concerned.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 1/17/2012 10:49 PM (GMT -6)   
The word that comes to mind is "safety net." I'm sorry to sound that way, but it's like having someone to fall back on. I don't like it, I don't have anyone to fall back on, so why do people do stuff like that?
Remember a few months ago when I shared with you guys about the woman that was interested in me? And remember I told you guys nothing became of it, because I would not allow it. I genuinely didn't try to pursue anything with the lady, although she was very nice, it was too much for me. And besides I just didn't want to cross the line with another woman. The same applies to the nice girl who lives across from me. The reality of it all is, I don't desire to make my life any more complicated than it has been. I know that sounds kind of harsh, but I believe if you're going to see someone (guys!), make sure you're SINGLE, and available and out of the relationship you're in (if you're married).
Anyway, Karen I'm listening to you (and my mom, and my aunt, and my sibling)...I'm treading very lightly. I will ask her again to break things down to me. I don't want to frustrate her, and I don't want to raise problems, but at this stage I believe it is important for me to ask serious questions...and if she's hesitant or drawn up about sharing a truthful answer, then its either we go through counseling again or we arrive at a decision. I am at the stage in my life that being transparent about people in my life should be without secrecy. Here on HW, it is a place where I can be open and share my thoughts...however if my spouse and I reconcile, I will no longer feel the need to share my frustrations here. I'm grateful to finally be able to share with my spouse, but I don't want to do it at a strain or with the lingering thought "Is she sharing with another guy?" I don't like it, and I don't want to create a double standard either.

Sorry all, I know I'm venting quite a lot, but I want to just get this off my mind.....
TY

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1196
   Posted 1/18/2012 5:36 AM (GMT -6)   
hi tyyoungmil. sorry i havent talked in awhile been busy working 2 jobs barely any time for me. i have alot going on in my life right now and am stressed beyond belief but i cant publish my problems because they could harm my family if i did.
 
first off, it could be two things with the wife. either she is using him as a back up or she was just wanting to be honest with you. IF you want to work things off with the spouse you need to stop worrying about the what if's as they will eat you up inside. ask your questions and then move on. you either accept the answer or you dont but you cant harp on the issue.  it does sound to me like the wife is trying. i do have to agree that it takes two to make a marriage work and it does take two to bring it down. i am sure both of you  have made errors in the marriage while hers could have been worse. do you want to make it work with the spouse? if so you guys need to work on it more often. date again and dont act like your married act like your dating. if you dont want to work on it then you need to dissolve the marriage. you cant leave the marriage the way it is for too long. its not fair to you or your wife. its been a year and i think its come to decision making time. you may not get all your answers to your questions but the most important question is can you live with that? you need to tread lightly but you need to make a decision before one is made for you.
 
as for your friend i dont think you have crossed any lines but you could be crushing a bit but that could stem from your lonliness. its understandable and normal. we all crush on others when we are married but its how you deal with it. its normal to have a crush on someone else even when married and its not bad but acting on that crush is what causes issues.

youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 1/20/2012 12:00 AM (GMT -6)   
WG! Hi!!! It has been a long time, wow -nice to hear from you. Sorry to hear of the stress and I understand.

I think in some ways you're right, she's trying to be honest...I think she's really trying, so I'm trying to make sure to communicate also. And you're right, worrying never solved anything, but I do need to be precaucious because there are a lot of unanswered questions that I'm trying to address with her. So far she hasn't refused to answer them, which is a good sign, but I don't want to run things into the ground either. Yes it does take two to make things work, and we're trying to make things work with more communication. It's been good so far. We have been going out on so called "dates" dinners, short meetings and texts. True it's been a year, but I'm not rushing back into things either, the advice I'm receiving from my mom is valuable to me, and she respects my decision but she also knows the pain that I've endured emotionally and psychologically, and that has really affected the way I communicate with the family and others who have known my character over the years. I know that I have not been the same open, happy person to many, but I've worked really hard to move forward and change that with the help of God.
WG, I've regained so much of my personality back through this separation, and I can't begin to tell you how healing it has been coming home to a quiet house, no craziness, no running this person here and there, no fussing, no begin worried about not saving funds and staying ahead. I don't have to rush home from work anymore or stay at work because I don't want to go home....it's totally different. I feel like I have my life back.

As for my new female acquaintance, I'm not pressing into that with any assertiveness or further interest, and yes I think I was just infatuated with her because she's so beautiful and friendly...but she has issues also. (Who doesn't coming from another relationship). I haven't crossed the line and stand genuine in my day-to-day life. I haven't really seen her face to face in a few weeks now, so I feel no pressure. You're right, acting on the infatuation or crush (as you call it) is moving in the wrong direction, so I'm careful not to complicate things.

Thank you for your advice, this is the best I think I've heard from you in a long time. You sound good, WG. I know things are a bit rough for you right now, but nothing stays the same long, so please be encouraged and keep moving forward. Stay in touch.
TY
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