Hi...I'm back. It's been several months since I've been here, was doing fine, healing, growing but just running into loneliness seemingly on Sunday nights. I guess a light insomnia may contribute to it...although I don't stay up as late and as frequently as I did before.
Allot has happened to me since I was here last and I thought I stop in to get some things off my mind. I'm still separated from my spouse, it's been well over a year now and I've really healed more than I had imagined although things have not progressed toward a divorce, guess I'm just as afraid as my spouse is to a degree. Seemingly she's come around allot, we've been going out to eat, meeting at different places to talk and share our feelings. She seems to want the relationship to work, but I still have reservations concerning the daughter, my spouse being truthful and
open more. It's what I need to know.
This past weekend I spent time over my parents home after many years, it was enjoyable and it gave me a chance to talk to my mother and share many of the troubles that I had been through. I know there's been allot of damage in my relationship as far as the disrespect from my spouse, misunderstandings on both our parts and so forth, but I'm just being careful not to jump back into things. We've been through counseling, but I still think that we need to go back to resolve or at least find a resolve for some of the questions I yet have concerning her.
Anyway, my reason for jumping in here tonight is just due to a little loneliness.
I will be transparent, I have not been sexually involved with any other woman while I'm separated. But I did meet a very beautiful girl who stays close to me in the same complex. I wanted to just get to know her, she's so well mannered and it caught my attention. We've become friends over the weeks and months now, about
4. We've been out to ice cream, lunch and dinner twice. I believe she likes me and I feel the same with her, but we both are in the same boat in terms of relationships. So I've been very respectful to honor that, she has told me she has a boyfriend but he's out of state. I respect that and have respected her, and I must not lie....it's been challenging not to be closer to her, but I don't want us to get in trouble. I've told her that I'm married also, and I've been divorced also so she respects me as well. Tonight I find myself thinking about
her and wanting to talk to her, but I've just tried to maintain our friendship, not bother her much and just speak whenever we see each other outside on the go. It's better that way. We've not kissed, although I honestly would love to. We've hugged, but that's as far as things have gone. We try to maintain distance and it's just easier remembering where we both are.
I would not reveal her name, and I know this is anonymous as a posting so she would have no idea I'm just needing to
open up right now, but she shared that her relationship was abusive, and I've shared with her my troubled relationship also. Nevertheless, I just wanted to make a friend at least for now while I'm out here, until I can figure out where things need to go in my relationship.
I love my spouse still, but I'm afraid of things just going back to the way they were. I don't know if she'll love me again, but I pray that she will be much more
open to me this time. I do have a fear with her and that is due to a male friend that seems to like her and have interest in her. Again, I don't want to compete with anybody and I wonder if she's been faithful to me during our separation also. I don't want to be troubled anymore...but I'm just praying and I'll be pr aying all this week. I'm just venting I guess at the moment (in a good way). I'm not angry or jealous, but I just want to know that she wants me...not just the same...but that she has a desire to be with me. Afterall we've been married over 14 years, and we're nt getting any younger. Things still hurt sometimes when I think of it, but I've made significant progress over that past year and few months.
Just want to know what some of you who have known me from past posts might think of this. And again, I feel it's always good to just be
open and share. I'm feeling somewhat confused, but hopefully you guys can offer some comfort or sound advise. And please forgive me for jumping all over the place with my writing, I'm just writing as I feel it come to me.
Hope the moderators I've know here are ok. Thanks for letting me come back and post here. It feels like a safe haven when I feel like this.