Have been a tad quiet lately. Things haven't been going especially
well. Alot of recent stress...too much really. Stress and anxiety
wreck havoc on my body. Have been having alot of shakiness
and heart racing. Fighting very hard to control it and not go into
a full blown panic attack. Trying deep breathing and coping skills
I've learned. It's just hard because this time I can't turn to
pills to calm me down. Have a history of abusing benzo's and
will never go down that path again. So now I have to manage it
by sheer will and mind. Hard to do.
Was supposed to have my first therapy appointment today but it
was cancelled due to the snow. Oddly, I was a bit relieved.
Have been very nervous that maybe she will probe too far and
send me into a complete break-down. Am going back into therapy
very causiously but I know I need it.
Relationship with my Mother is fractured beyond repair. She has
also been contributing to much of my anxiety lately. Have made
the decision and this time I will stick with it, that I cannot have
her in my life anymore. She is too detrimental to me.
She is very unwell and off her meds again (this will be about the
50th time in 30 yrs)
She always thinks it's a miracle and she's been healed.
My two brothers and I suffered through the consequences of this
one too many times. I have reached the end of my rope with her.
This time I'm sure I mean it. Guilt has been the overiding factor
each time but I just can't do it anymore.
I'm up to my eyeballs in as much as I can take and my health is
suffering as a result.
I don't normally share so much. I'm a private person. Guess I
just had nowhere to put all of these feelings.
Spirits are suprisingly pretty good still, feel that I am coping
fairly well, just this feeling of constant tension and unease that
won't leave my body.
Thanks for reading.
Hope everyone is doing well or at least better than me at the
moment lol :)