Trying to remain optomistic

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daisy76
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 218
   Posted 1/13/2012 7:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey everyone,
Have been a tad quiet lately. Things haven't been going especially
well. Alot of recent stress...too much really. Stress and anxiety
wreck havoc on my body. Have been having alot of shakiness
and heart racing. Fighting very hard to control it and not go into
a full blown panic attack. Trying deep breathing and coping skills
I've learned. It's just hard because this time I can't turn to
pills to calm me down. Have a history of abusing benzo's and
will never go down that path again. So now I have to manage it
by sheer will and mind. Hard to do.
Was supposed to have my first therapy appointment today but it
was cancelled due to the snow. Oddly, I was a bit relieved.
Have been very nervous that maybe she will probe too far and
send me into a complete break-down. Am going back into therapy
very causiously but I know I need it.
Relationship with my Mother is fractured beyond repair. She has
also been contributing to much of my anxiety lately. Have made
the decision and this time I will stick with it, that I cannot have
her in my life anymore. She is too detrimental to me.
She is very unwell and off her meds again (this will be about the
50th time in 30 yrs)
She always thinks it's a miracle and she's been healed.
My two brothers and I suffered through the consequences of this
one too many times. I have reached the end of my rope with her.
This time I'm sure I mean it. Guilt has been the overiding factor
each time but I just can't do it anymore.
I'm up to my eyeballs in as much as I can take and my health is
suffering as a result.
I don't normally share so much. I'm a private person. Guess I
just had nowhere to put all of these feelings.
Spirits are suprisingly pretty good still, feel that I am coping
fairly well, just this feeling of constant tension and unease that
won't leave my body.
Thanks for reading.
Hope everyone is doing well or at least better than me at the
moment lol :)

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 1/13/2012 7:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey daisy...I think you are alot of us...we tend to put on our supportive costume when we are here because we don't want to dump it all in another's lap...but it is ok to be really down here, that is why it's called depression forum-lol.

You are always =very supportive and sometimes we ourselves need the support.

Is you Mom Bipoar-my hubby has these incredible comebacks too "I don't need those meds-i'm doing great" and my daughter and i just cringe cause we know itis all in his mind...he is irritable, manic, critical, sopends like we have apot to pee in, lots of great money making ideas (NOT!) and when we are struggling with our own issues it just gets harder for us to improve...

I am glad you g=felt comfortable to vent here, I apprecaite the trust implied in that...

Benzo's are just a false calm...I try deep breathing and creative visualization, music , distracting muyself, cleaning anything to stop that crazy gerbil wheel of destructive thinking.... I hope you find something to help you...keep posting..we will be here

maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

seroquel, hydrocodone clonazepam norvasc multi vitamin and magnesium

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 1/13/2012 7:40 PM (GMT -6)   
thank you for being brave in sharing. the therapy route is a very important one-remember that you are in control of the session. we are here for you daisy76. one day at a time my friend. take care of you. slow and steady is the way to go. keep being strong, we care. with much healing compassion, jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

daisy76
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 218
   Posted 1/13/2012 7:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Aww thank you Maggie,
That meant so much to hear that. I do try to put on a brave face. Most times I really mean it too. But lately I haven't even been giving as much support because I don't feel that I can contribute very much. My plate is running over and truth be told, I feel that I am teetering dangerously close to some sort of emotional collapse or breakdown.
One thing on top of another keeps piling on top of me and for someone who wasn't coping very well to begin with, as far as the amount of stress I was capable of handling, it's been extra hard.
Just wish I could calm this racy heart feeling! So scary!
Yes, my Mother is an extreme case of bi-polar (probably as extreme as you can get) She gets manic, and grandiose and mean and disphoric and paranoid all rolled into one. Thinks the whole world is conspiring against her.
Sorry you have to go through it with your husband, it can really weigh heavily on us. It's so hard.
My heart is big and endless and so is my compassion, but I simply can't take it anymore.
Thanks for listening and responding. That meant alot. Hope you are doing well.
Amber

"But that was yesterday and I was a different person then" - Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

daisy76
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 218
   Posted 1/13/2012 7:58 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Jamie!!
I'll remember what you said and keep taking it one day at a time.
Thank you for your support!
Amber

"But that was yesterday and I was a different person then" - Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 1/13/2012 8:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Amber, I had to do the same thing you are doing for my health as well. I was surprised at how well I did when I had my mother out of my life. I gained weight back, there was 0 stress. It was like a dream come true. She was hard to deal with. She was bipolar too and paranoid schitzophrenic. It is hard, but you have to do what is right for you so that you can feel well. It will change your life.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

daisy76
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 218
   Posted 1/14/2012 8:19 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Karen,
Sorry you had to go through that too.
Almost every therapist I've seen has told me that I might have to do this for my own sanity. Problem is, neither of my brothers have anything to do with her and I've always felt like I had to or she would mostly have noone.
But when she stops her meds, it just brings back all the stress and feelings of helplessness I had as a child. I was powerless and had no voice. I waited for my step-father to step in, for her sake and on our behalf because we were children and were helpless. But no, he was afraid of her anger, afraid of her leaving and him being alone (co-dependant) and he did nothing. Acted as if it were all normal. I've grown to hate him. Maybe I don't really mean it and I'm just so angry I can't see strait, but I blame him for how bad she got, how much her illness progressed because of her erratic behavior with taking meds.
We had a screaming battle on the phone last week over this. As usual, he said she's fine, she doesn't need them. Wouldn't listen to a word I was saying, I began to tell him I held him responsible as the "sound minded" adult in the situation, that he didn't step in on her behalf as she clearly is not capable of making these decisions on her own. He told me that was
baloney, wouldn't listen. I was a child again-voiceless and totally powerless.
Told him I'd have nothing further to do with either of them until she was back on her meds and hung up the phone.
But then I thought about it. I'll just go through this in another year or two again anyway. And that's when I decided I was done.
Anyway, thanks for listening. Didn't expect to ramble on like this. Have just been holding it all in so long now.
One question though, it hasn't yet, but when it does creep back in, what do I do about the feelings of guilt?
See, just writing all this I'm shaking again and on the verge of tears.
Guess I'll go do some deep breathing and relaxation. Thanks for listening and responding.
Amber

"But that was yesterday and I was a different person then" - Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 1/14/2012 9:52 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Amber,

Stick to your guns, the more you are away from her the stronger you will get. I know it is hard and you worry, but maybe it is time to put it in God's hands. Or somebody elses. I called my mother's social worker and told her I was stepping out of the picture, she was mad at me. But I didn't care. I just couldn't do it anymore, and I lived near her so it was really hard. But I had to do what was right for me. You will too. You will get stronger,and maybe even be able to deal with her again. Though I don't recommend that. I think you will find that the happiness and strength that you are going to get will highly outway the guilt that she causes you to feel. One day at a time my friend.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

daisy76
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 218
   Posted 1/15/2012 9:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Karen,
You're right. I will get stronger as time goes by.
One day at a time is my new mantra :)
Thank you for your support. Hope you are doing well.
Amber

"But that was yesterday and I was a different person then" - Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 1/15/2012 11:30 AM (GMT -6)   
hugs Daisy!!!

Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

daisy76
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 218
   Posted 1/15/2012 12:40 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Karen :)
Hugs to you too!!
Amber

"But that was yesterday and I was a different person then" - Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
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