How to deal with depressed spouse

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New Member

Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/19/2012 5:04 PM (GMT -6)   

  My wife and I have been married for 20 years, she is a great wife and excellent mother, we always got along perfect. One day she said something has changed and did not what is was.

I thought for sure it was over, after talking some more she said she was stressed and depressed, we went to the doctor and started some counseling. I also found out she was talking to a male friend from high school on facebook that really set me off, she said she need some she could talk to, the more I question her more and more and I drove her away for me, so she turned to him to talk to instead of me, lucky for me he works in Asia, two weeks ago she admitted she seen him when he came in the states to visit his daughter, now I am rely freaking out.

   She said she just need to talk to someone and they were just friends its not what you think, I believe her and said  ok go ahead and talk to him if you need to, I was such an ass when this was going on. I do not blame her for talking to him ,but put the shoe on the other foot and see how you would feel. She said she loves me, but did not admit she was in love with me.

  Her depression is driving me nuts I miss my wife and the affection I use to get, not to mention no sex.

Its been about 60 day of this crap, I under stand the situation a lot better now, been helping around the house cooking and cleaning, helping with the children and working my ass of at work. I know see needs her space right now, but what about me, how long does this last. I am going nuts missing the wife I married.

She been on Celexa now for a week, I hear it may take 6 weeks before she feels the full effect.  

My question is how should I treat her? I am always calling her when I am at work and when we are home I am kissing her ass, I just love her so much.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 1/19/2012 7:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes, it can take 6-8 weeks before it will be known if the medication is going to help at the current dosage. At that time the doctor will decide decide what to do...leave it at the current dose, increase it, stop it all together and try a different med or add a medication to the treatment.

Depression is not like getting a sinus infection where a few days or weeks of treatment will cure it. It can take months or sometimes years before a person who is suffering from depression to start feeling "OK" and it can also be something that will have to be dealt with for the rest of their lives. It really depends on the reason for the depression, the effectiveness of the treatments, the support system, etc that will determine how soon the depressed will emerge from the worst of it.

It is also very common for a person to get better and then worsen some. It is often a 2 steps forward and one step back process.

You and your wife are just going to have to take it one step at a time. I don't know what kind of counseling is involved at this time, but you and your wife would probably benefit both from individual counseling as well as couples counseling. The individual counseling for your wife is likely self explanatory. The individual counseling for you though can help deal with the stress you are and will feel during all of this and can help you learn how to deal with it effectively. The couples counseling can help you and your wife deal with issues within your relationship.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.
Moderator Depression Forum.

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/19/2012 10:02 PM (GMT -6)   

So I am watching the bachelor show with my wife to night, and told her I want our marriage to last for ever. She replied so do I, but it doesn’t mean I feel this way.

Dam what the hell does that mean?

Are depressed people that confused on there emotions?

I am upset again. This is driving me nuts.

I think I am going to totally back off.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 1/19/2012 11:14 PM (GMT -6)   
I posted to you on another thread that was exactly like this one. Did you delete it? You had two fo the same and this is the third.

But anyway, I don't really trust the way that your wife is acting. I think you should start counseling so that you can get an objective view of what is going on. She was sneaking around with this guy on the internet because she wanted somebody to talk to??? That just doesn't make sense. The reason that I think that the counseling would help you is that it would help you sort all through this. Put you on an even level with her to where you can see through what she is talking about.

Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/20/2012 10:56 AM (GMT -6)   
Let me re quote what she said.
I want our marriage to last for ever,
But I dont feel that way.

Dam ,how much more can I take?

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 1/22/2012 10:01 PM (GMT -6)   
I think you need to approach this with a little more sensitivity. You don't just "deal" with someone with depression - you empathize and comfort them. "60 days of this crap" is also not very sensitive - I'm sure she is feeling absolutely terrible, worse than you (she is the one with depression, after all). It sounds like she is very confused.

And actually, part of depression is that people tend to exaggerate less and see things for what they really are, or over analyze - which can be very depressing! So don't think that people suffering from depression are all messed up. She just may be thinking more deeply than usual, and it is leaving her unsure.

Making her feel like there is something wrong with her that you are sick of dealing with is only going to cause a deeper rift between you. It is not a good sign that she is talking and secretly meeting with this other man. But rather than being defensive and hoping the medication will magically cure her, I would suggest couples' therapy and trying to understand her and support her as much as you can. Also, make it clear how you feel about this other man, without being angry. Just be honest and open up as much as you can. Let her know it hurts you.

If you have been married for 20 years, 2 months of depression should not leave you feeling like "how much more can I take?" Marriages have their ups and their downs. You need to be open and honest with her and probe her a bit more to see what she meant about "not feeling that way." Don't just sit wondering - talk to her! Try to understand. It takes work, and time. I wish you the best of luck working things out.

"Life's journey is like driving at night in the fog.
You can only see as far as your headlights,
but you can make the whole trip that way."

Chronic Lyme, Depression, Anxiety, 12+ Years

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/22/2012 10:23 PM (GMT -6)   
You are right , I appreciate your opinion ,
Last night we talked about her mother that died last year do to depression, she drank her self to death , at the age of 56 , She was depressed do to devore . .got to go

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 1/22/2012 11:45 PM (GMT -6)   
Bac1....I am not sure what to say in one hand I agree with Karen...why would your wife go behind your back to talk to a high school friend. I mean with facebook now alot talk to old school friends not sure why she would have to sneak around. Then I read her mom died from depression....maybe depression runs in the family. I still am stuck on why she felt like she would have to sneak around. howeve,I do think counceling for yourself would be great, it will help get you through this rough patch.

Blessings, Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others
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