Thank you all so much for caring. I really appreciate your taking the time to respond.
You all made the recommendations of medications and therapy. I am currently on an antidepressant that doubles for anxiety and have been prescribed a fast-acting pill for my anxiety also, a mild sedative for when things get out of control. I am also in a lot of therapy. I have been speaking to counselors, psychologists and have just started to see a psychiatrist. It is all really scary though.
As for the back story: I am a 20-year-old girl in college. I attend a college semi-far away from home and have never had any real struggles with being away, I am in my third year. Over this past summer though, both my mother and my sister moved away. My parents are still married though, but live five states away for the time being. It is all really weird. So anyway, I was fine with all that, too. It made me upset, but I pretty much just ignored that it made me sad by saying that I didn't want to talk about it. Now, I also had a boyfriend, who I began dating my junior year of high school. So it was pretty long term. And before him I had dated a guy for 4 years and there wasn't too much time in between. I decided to break up with my boyfriend though, and that is when it all began to go downhill. I was diagnosed with anxiety and then depression and it was awful. The breakup was the trigger for it all, but the psychiatrist believes I have had depression since my early teenage years, but used relationships to mask it. So this was my first time being single since I was 12 years old. Unbelievable. I had to leave school early, I had to take incompletes in some of my classes and am not returning this semester. I am staying with my mom for a while.
All of this is so sad to me. I am trying so hard. I don't know where I belong or who I am. Some speculations for my feelings are: abandonment, my being the third out of fourth children and just always feeling like the odd one out, and also my incredibly strained relationship with my mother as a teenager.
I had gone for so long without talking to this boyfriend (ex). We hadn't spoken in months and it was really killing me. He wasn't really the best boyfriend and I don't know if he could change, I believe he could. I think I have changed enough that he would have to. But changes for the better, I swear. But I saw him. And have spoken to him. And I am so confused. I know nobody made the decision, but me, to contact him, but now I am so unsure. I should not be in a relationship with anyone right now, due to my circumstances and feeling like I need a relationship. I am less feeling like I need one and more trying to work out the whys. I don't know what to do. He would get back with me in an instant, but I wouldn't be good for him right now. I need to focus on myself right now, but I also don't want to lose him. I am scared for a life with him and I am scared for a life without him. I don't believe that everybody gets to experience the kind of love we had. It was an amazing love that grew quick and matured and I miss it and I miss him. But thinking about all this makes me anxious. He waited for me. We hadn't spoken at all, but he waited for me. He knew I'd be back. He hoped at least. Doesn't that have to mean something? I don't think I should be in a committed relationship right now, but I don't want to stop talking to him. I don't want a life without him. I don't want to stop wearing the most beautiful ring I have ever seen that he got me on a chain around my neck.
I am also scared about my ability and my capaity to love right now. I am so unsure of myself and even though I know I love him, these feelings of anxiety and depression make me question my ability to give myself to someone right now.
I don't know what to do. I feel lost in it all. I know a lot of people's advice would be to stop talking to him, but I wish there was a way I still could and keep working on this stuff. I hurt so much. I am not, not looking for him to fix me though. I don't think he or anyone could fix me. I do know this is something I have to work through and he or any other man would be a temporary fix and these problems would undoubtedly rise again.
I really needed to open up about all this. Thank you. I did speak to my psychologist about it today and she said she believes I am doing what I think I should do and she will support me in whatever. She said she had no preconceived notions about what I should or should not do in this situation. I hate that it is entirely up to me. I have been semi-crying at some points today. I think I need to tell him everything though. He doesn't know everything and he should. I refuse to even slightly string him along and hurt him more. He should know who I am and what I am dealing with and why I cannot commit myself to him right now. But I don't want to lose him completely.
Please help me... in whatever way you can. Please. I am feeling so long with it. It's like I have two lives. At least I want to have two lives, one with him and one where I figure this out and let them converge and live happily ever after. If only, right?