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eastern_light
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 1/22/2012 10:02 PM (GMT -6)   
if i could speak openly to this world, this is what i would say:

hello world. i am very mad at you. you have turned everything upside down and torn my life apart. i know you don't have any regards for anyone's plans and just decide to do your own thing, but please respect the plans people set out for themselves and stop getting in the way.

i was recently diagnosed with a mix of anxiety and depression and severe cases of both and i am less than pleased with it. i am also quite sick of it, seeing as how it has been months. i am only a child, twenty years old. i feel like my life has been stolen from me. from my school/career plans to my home life. i am being bounced around and want to feel stable and at ease. i'm not sure how to go about doing that though. i am so angry because i am a good person and was always known to be the beaming smiling girl who would radiate happiness. then the light lifted and showed my deep faults and depressions. and now if it's possible, i may have just messed myself up even more by doing something i really probably should not have done. does it get better? does it get easier? why can't we have everything we want? i'm trying to see the upside of this situation and know there must be a reason and that i will be a better person for having gone through it, but right now i just feel hopeless and sad. i want to go on with my plan that i had with the guy, the career, the family. i am infuriated that i have been robbed of that.

i do not think i have it the worst in the world and i am looking to help those who are worse off than me, but i just ask.. why? i am terrified about what life is bringing to me now.

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 1/23/2012 12:00 AM (GMT -6)   
Welcome to HW forum....I am sorry you are so down...have you been to counceling are you on any meds? If not then I would make an appt. asap and get yourself some help. You have to be Patient because it takes time to heal from depression it is no over night fix. May I ask what part of your life is ruined? Did you lose your boyfriend sorry if I am wrong and just confused. You are young and have a whole wonderful life a head of you....see a counceler get on the proper meds...I hope all goes well for you...Keep posting sometimes talking about it helps. Take care

Bless you, Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20227
   Posted 1/23/2012 2:11 AM (GMT -6)   
welcome from me too. jamie

maybe it is time for a chat with your dr. i am in therapy, best move i have made.
your dr. can help with on-referal and diagnosis, we all at the forum are here for you
too. sending you much healing compassion. jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42501
   Posted 1/23/2012 5:18 AM (GMT -6)   
Welcome from me too. I agree with the others, possible meds, but for sure therapy. It really helps. I have been going for many years. I have come a long ways and my depression is in remission with the help of medications and therapy.

I hope that you take this to heart. Coming here and opening up helps too. There are many caring members.

Many hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

eastern_light
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 1/23/2012 5:49 PM (GMT -6)   

Thank you all so much for caring. I really appreciate your taking the time to respond.

You all made the recommendations of medications and therapy. I am currently on an antidepressant that doubles for anxiety and have been prescribed a fast-acting pill for my anxiety also, a mild sedative for when things get out of control. I am also in a lot of therapy. I have been speaking to counselors, psychologists and have just started to see a psychiatrist. It is all really scary though.

As for the back story: I am a 20-year-old girl in college. I attend a college semi-far away from home and have never had any real struggles with being away, I am in my third year. Over this past summer though, both my mother and my sister moved away. My parents are still married though, but live five states away for the time being. It is all really weird. So anyway, I was fine with all that, too. It made me upset, but I pretty much just ignored that it made me sad by saying that I didn't want to talk about it. Now, I also had a boyfriend, who I began dating my junior year of high school. So it was pretty long term. And before him I had dated a guy for 4 years and there wasn't too much time in between. I decided to break up with my boyfriend though, and that is when it all began to go downhill. I was diagnosed with anxiety and then depression and it was awful. The breakup was the trigger for it all, but the psychiatrist believes I have had depression since my early teenage years, but used relationships to mask it. So this was my first time being single since I was 12 years old. Unbelievable. I had to leave school early, I had to take incompletes in some of my classes and am not returning this semester. I am staying with my mom for a while.

All of this is so sad to me. I am trying so hard. I don't know where I belong or who I am. Some speculations for my feelings are: abandonment, my being the third out of fourth children and just always feeling like the odd one out, and also my incredibly strained relationship with my mother as a teenager.

I had gone for so long without talking to this boyfriend (ex). We hadn't spoken in months and it was really killing me. He wasn't really the best boyfriend and I don't know if he could change, I believe he could. I think I have changed enough that he would have to. But changes for the better, I swear. But I saw him. And have spoken to him. And I am so confused. I know nobody made the decision, but me, to contact him, but now I am so unsure. I should not be in a relationship with anyone right now, due to my circumstances and feeling like I need a relationship. I am less feeling like I need one and more trying to work out the whys. I don't know what to do. He would get back with me in an instant, but I wouldn't be good for him right now. I need to focus on myself right now, but I also don't want to lose him. I am scared for a life with him and I am scared for a life without him. I don't believe that everybody gets to experience the kind of love we had. It was an amazing love that grew quick and matured and I miss it and I miss him. But thinking about all this makes me anxious. He waited for me. We hadn't spoken at all, but he waited for me. He knew I'd be back. He hoped at least. Doesn't that have to mean something? I don't think I should be in a committed relationship right now, but I don't want to stop talking to him. I don't want a life without him. I don't want to stop wearing the most beautiful ring I have ever seen that he got me on a chain around my neck.

I am also scared about my ability and my capaity to love right now. I am so unsure of myself and even though I know I love him, these feelings of anxiety and depression make me question my ability to give myself to someone right now.

I don't know what to do. I feel lost in it all. I know a lot of people's advice would be to stop talking to him, but I wish there was a way I still could and keep working on this stuff. I hurt so much. I am not, not looking for him to fix me though. I don't think he or anyone could fix me. I do know this is something I have to work through and he or any other man would be a temporary fix and these problems would undoubtedly rise again.

I really needed to open up about all this. Thank you. I did speak to my psychologist about it today and she said she believes I am doing what I think I should do and she will support me in whatever. She said she had no preconceived notions about what I should or should not do in this situation. I hate that it is entirely up to me. I have been semi-crying at some points today. I think I need to tell him everything though. He doesn't know everything and he should. I refuse to even slightly string him along and hurt him more. He should know who I am and what I am dealing with and why I cannot commit myself to him right now. But I don't want to lose him completely.

Please help me... in whatever way you can. Please. I am feeling so long with it. It's like I have two lives. At least I want to have two lives, one with him and one where I figure this out and let them converge and live happily ever after. If only, right?


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42501
   Posted 1/23/2012 6:34 PM (GMT -6)   
did you ever hear the saying "If you love something, let it go. If it is yours, it will come back to you. If it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be."?

I agree, work on yourself. Let the rest fall into place.

You keep saying he can change. What is he like or has he been like. You say that he said he knew that you would be there for him. How did he mean that? Like confidently he knew you would be there for him, or in a smart way like He knew you would be waiting because he has you wrapped around his little finger. Does he treat you well, or are you hoping he will start to? I am just curious as you didn't say what it was as the actual reason you aren't together. Or was that your decision because you wanted to work on yourself? Which is what you need to do. Work on your life with or with out him. Get your ducks in a row so to speak. Then see what happens. It sounds like you are confident he will wait for you. I would say use this time to see what it is you want to do with your life.
We will support your decision as your psychologist said she would. But if you have this oppertunity to do better for yourself and grow, I feel you should explore life with that time. Enjoy it. It sounds like you really want to do this and I support that. So go for it.

I hope that you can see how this will strengthen you and give you confidence in making decisions.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

tmjpain
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2024
   Posted 1/23/2012 6:43 PM (GMT -6)   
hello light, sorry you are suffering so much. You are in a difficult situation. I think that sitting down with him and having a good talk would help you.
Keep posting and let us know how you are getting along.

Suzane

eastern_light
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 1/23/2012 8:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you so much Karen and Suzane for your concern.

Karen, I really appreciate you asking me these questions to try to understand. We had a good relationship that I adored. A reason I broke up with him was because of me, I felt like I should take some time to myself, which I am and will continue to do, whether he wants to stay in the picture or not. I do not plan on getting into any relationship right now, nothing official. He was sometimes irritable, but I also had trouble standing up for myself, which I know I would not have that problem anymore and have in fact already done so in telling him not to say a word I see as offensive around me, which he understood and said he would not say it anymore.

He did not say he knew I would be there like he thought he had me wrapped around his finger. He just knows me well enough to know I couldn't stay away. We had talked a few times after breaking up and fell asleep on the phone together, the last time being in October though, but he intuitively saw them as signs I didn't want to be apart and waited for the next time I would call him. I do not think though, that he would continue to wait for me. He may if I spoke to him and told him everything that was going on and the new reasons (he doesn't know about the depression or the severity of the anxiety) that I cannot be with him at this moment in time. If I were to just tell him I was completely done with him, I don't think he would wait for me just out of his needing to feel like he needs to continue on with his life.

I plan to talk to him about it tonight. Not asking for any decisions, not making any decisions. I just want to inform him about my situation and why I cannot give myself to him fully right now. I also plan to continue to work on myself. I know I need to figure this out. I also know that if he continues to be a cause of my anxieties, I cannot keep speaking with him. I so badly wish he will not be apart of the added stress and fear more that he will be.

I'm just trying to find my way, I guess.
Caitlin

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42501
   Posted 1/23/2012 8:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Caitlin,

I am understanding better. But you said "I also know that if he continues to be a cause of my anxieties, I cannot keep speaking with him.", I just wondered what that meant. How he causes you anxiety.

I am so happy that you are working on you. That says a lot, you will be glad that you did. I did counseling in my 20s and have ever since. I am in my 50's now. But it has given me direction through the years.

I know that things are going to work out for you. You are trying hard. It pays off.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Betsey Ross
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 1056
   Posted 1/23/2012 8:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Caitlin,

I would like to welcome you to our forum and we have a wonderful group of warm, caring ppl to help you and give you support.

You were given great helpful suggestions and I hope you continue to work on yourself.

Take Care
Betsey
Age to a woman is like krypronite to Superman.

eastern_light
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 1/23/2012 9:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Karen,

I guess he hasn't been causing me anxiety, it is the situation right now. I am still unsure and have been thinking about it, which just makes me anxious.

I saw a psychologist in high school. The same one I spoke to today, actually, but I stopped before I went to college two years ago last August. I had anxiety in high school, based around an irrational fear that interfered with my life, but just began again this year. Did it ever worry you to think you'd be in therapy that long? It scares me.

If you wouldn't mind, I would really like to continue to talk to you, I feel like you have some wonderful wisdom. If it would be easier for you, my email address is  and I would love if you would email me.

Thank you,
Caitlin

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 1/24/2012 6:44:30 AM (GMT-7)


beagleman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 1/24/2012 6:58 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello Caitlin, I like your posts, much more positive than myself when I first started posting a few months ago. I would not try and give any advice on relationships but for me getting new friends has helped me alot, I did this through my church. The friendships have given me a sence of belonging, love, being connected and being worthwhile, some of the things i lost when i was depressed. You know I speak of depression in past tenths, but I still have it, but so much less, it is so good. If it means anything, I believe in you Caitlin, you will definately get better, I wish you much hapiness.

Stephen

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42501
   Posted 1/24/2012 8:48 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Caitlin,

I copiedd your email address add then took it out because it isnt safe to post it on the forum. If you would like to add it to your profile, only members can see it. I will send you an email...
Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

eastern_light
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 1/24/2012 8:56 AM (GMT -6)   

Karen,

Thank you for looking out for me in that way. It didn't occur to me, but I appreciate you taking me email out and look forward to hearing from you.

And Stephen,

Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. I am trying to look for more friends especially moving to a new place, I don't know anyone, but I have some plans to try. I am glad you said I was positive because I don't see it in myself too often. I try to think about how I will come out of this and how it will get easier to deal with and manage, but sometimes I feel hopeless and pessimistic. It's a rough road. I hope you are doing well and your telling me it gets easier helps me. I hope you continue on your road to recovery.

Caitlin


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42501
   Posted 1/24/2012 9:06 AM (GMT -6)   
I sent you an email. I hope that you got it...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Swim chick
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 1/25/2012 8:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Hope that you feel better today
Depression, anxiety, mom has cancer, dad is dead.....
All alone at home and at school...
It's always the darkest before dawn... Great quote

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20227
   Posted 1/26/2012 1:12 AM (GMT -6)   
hoping you are feeling better too. jamie. keep posting, we care.
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

justwant2bemeagain
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 1/26/2012 11:07 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Caitlin,
 
Sorry to hear about what you are going through. I think that if you truly love this guy, he deserves to know what you are dealing with. If his feelings for you are as strong as you think they are he will be supportive. This might be exactly what you need right now to work through your issues. I would also get back in school and get that degree. It will only build your confidence for your future. You have come this far and I think it will add to your depression if you don't go back. Finish what you started and build on that!! Please keep us updated.
 
Blessings, Michelle  smilewinkgrin

eastern_light
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 1/26/2012 11:24 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all so much for caring. It really means a lot. I have a lot of support, but not many people who understand the feelings.
 
I am feeling a little better today. Much less anxious that I was on Monday and Tuesday. The fast-acting pill was useless to me, unfortunately. I spoke to my psychiatrist yesterday and she switched my medications. From Lexapro to Paxil and told me to stop taking my fast-acting pills because they didn't do anything and presribed me a different kind that starts with a C. She wants me in weekly therapy, which I am grateful for because I like seeing someone every week. It gives me something to look forward to and a beacon of light each week. She said she wants me to be involved with someone who is experienced in CBT and is looking for someone I can see. They actually just called to set up an appointment, which made me really happy the process was moving so quick, but the person was not covered under my insurance so she has to try to look again and I hope she moves just as quickly, even though I know she is a busy woman.
 
As far as the boy stuff goes, I have not spoken to my ex-boyfriend in a few days. I feel as though I should though because I am afraid I didn't end our last conversation on a permanent basis and sort of made it seem like we could talk again. I think I was really hoping we could. But the reality I have to accept is that we can't talk... we can't see each other... we can't write. I wish I could stop myself from loving him though. At least for right now. He can't help me in this.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42501
   Posted 1/26/2012 4:39 PM (GMT -6)   
It isn't always all or nothing. Could you still remain friends? Could you use the support system that he might have to offer? Or is it not the way you want it? It sounds like you are punishing yourself for needing help by breaking contact completely. Just because you have to be the one to work on this alone, doesn't necessarily mean that you have to be alone all the time. I hope you find a happy medium with this.

Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

eastern_light
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 1/27/2012 10:55 AM (GMT -6)   
In this particular situation and with this particular individual, no, unforunately I do not think we can remain friends through this. I am having trouble being alone and if he helps me through this difficult time, I will not have worked through it alone. I have a strong support system of family and friends, but as far as seeing this guy as a sort of security in the past, he shouldn't be helping me through this. I do hope we can reconnect in the future, but it is in my best mental interest that we do not continue a relationship. This is the first time I have been able to make the difference between mental anguish and emotional anguish. I feel the terms are used interchangeably, but I don't think they should be. This is going to hurt me terribly emotionally, but it is what is best for me mentally.
 
Thank you for caring.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42501
   Posted 1/27/2012 11:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Do what is right for you at this time. I give you so much credit for working on yourself.

Keep us posted.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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