I'll try and be as thorough as I can. Apologies for the length but I need to cover everything as I really don't know what to do.
My girlfriend has depression. This has been caused by a number of reasons, including not grieving for a dead relative years ago and suffering for months at the hands of a physically abusive relationship. We met in september and had an instant connection. We started hanging out quite regularly. This in itself was a massive thing, her friends tell me that since being diagnosed she lost most of her friends and I'm the first person she really let into her life in nearly a year. Anyway we got on really well and by the end of October she decided the time was right to become a proper couple. We have been taking it slowly and it is slightly different from other relationships in that she struggles with intimacy of any kind, especially when she is down, which recently has been most of the time.
November was great for us, she was so happy with me and generally everything. December was a little harder as Christmas was a tough time of year for her as that's when she was diagnosed the previous year. Despite this we were making progress, she decided to come round my house to meet my parents which was a very hard thing for her to do. It took a while for her to let me in properly but by Christmas eve she invited me over (which isn't new, it's just that particular day was the day she was diagnosed), which was huge because that was the hardest day of the year for her. Since Christmas things began to get better, she decided to come around more often and I began to see her more during the week. Her friends started to tell me that she's been the happiest they've ever seen her since she's been with me, even her mum says she thinks so highly of me.
The past couple of weeks were really tough. 2 weeks ago she thought she was going to lose her cat, which she took very badly. She didn't, but the worry was enough, then last week we had a couple of small arguments. We were messing around and I put a dog toy in her face. Her mood changed instantly. I thought it was me so I apologised for it. It wasn't me, but like an idiot, despite her telling me this, I apologised again and made her feel a lot worse. I know when she gets down it isn't me that's the problem, but this time it was just the timing that made me think it. Anyway, I don't think she's got over that yet. 2 days later I mentioned I had a little surprise for her for valentines day and she shot me down saying how she didn't like it. I have a feeling it's because of something that happened with her ex last year, but she won't say what it is. I was in kind of an awkward position because I didn't know she had this problem and just thought it'd be a nice thing to do. She then told me I made her feel guilty for getting her the gift because now she feels like she has to get me something. She revealed that every time I get her a present she feels very guilty. Up until that point I would get her a little chocolate as something to cheer her up when she's down. I didn't realise it was making her feel guilty every time I did this, I thought it would cheer her up. Anyway, I now know and will hold off in future. Guilt is a big part of her depression.
One other thing is that her therapy ended on friday.
This brings us to saturday night. We were out with some friends, generally having a good time and she had a few drinks. Normally she has a few drinks, gets very happy, then gets to a point and gets very depressed. She's her own worst enemy there. This didn't seem to happen though, in fact she said for the first time in weeks she had felt happy (the only other time she said that recently was our first date). I thought it was a good night, but got a text from her saying that I a made her feel like a joke and so small. I have no idea what she was on about. She gets extremely sensitive after drinking so it could be the most insignificant thing, problem is I can't remember everything that happened that night (I wasn't drinking btw, I just can't remember it minute by minute). She mentioned the fact that I spent a lot of time talking to her cousin, but we've done that before, I know them, we're all friends. Besides she spends most of our nights off talking to friends of her own. I apologised for it anyway, but she persisted with the argument that it didn't look like I wanted to be with her that night. I kept apologising for it from every angle I can think of but every time I tried she'd text back getting more and more p*ssed off saying I just don't get it. It got to the point yesterday (she refused to speak to me, only by text, saying I really made her feel awful on saturday) where she said I obviously don't understand her and that we got on better as friends.
I am not confused and upset about this as you can imagine. Not so long ago she was the happiest she's ever been with me. Before last week when we had a couple of arguments, we only ever had good times together, now all of a sudden I don't understand her. We got together precisely because I was one of the few people who does. I knew about her issues from the day we met. Only a few weeks ago she told me she loves me. Now every time I contact her I say something wrong and upset her more, on convince her that I don't understand her. It makes me think there's a bigger issue here and she's looking for a reason to push me away. I know she has a self destruct mode. It's like she's just flipped out. She told me not so long ago that she was afraid her issues would push me away and I assured her this wouldn't happen. Now she is pushing me away I really want to stand by her but don't want to seem like I'm being a nuisance. I don't know what to do, any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm not going to walk away from this and just let her bring it to an end. She won't even give me an explanation which makes me wonder if there even is one. She wants me to tell her exactly what I did and how I affected her but everything I can think of fails. I'm considering ringing her mum and getting her to meet me in confidence to talk about her. Me and her have spoken about my girlfriend's depression before so I'm (fairly) certain she'll agree to meet me without telling her. Her family do all like me and think I'm good for her so I'm hoping that credit counts for something here, but it's the only thing I can think of doing.
I've seen her depression mixed with alcohol make her lash out like this to other people fairly often before but never towards me, this is the first time I've been the target and I don't know what's happened.
She's 18 by the way.
Post Edited (ash86) : 1/24/2012 7:03:40 AM (GMT-7)