Hey guys -
I wanted to follow up. First off, meant to reply earlier - Maggie, I have 2 yorkie-poodles (sisters from the same litter). I have been a bad doggie-mama this week and haven't taken her to the vet. She does seem to be better though but I will get her checked... just been a little - no, a LOT busy as of late. But that doesn't mean I'm not helping her - she still has steroids that she's been taking consistently since I took her to the vet 2 months ago (it says take them til they're gone) and I have a humidifier for her. Her nose looks so much better - it's all squishy and wet like normal and she seems happy. Hopefully it's just a lingering cough from her bronchitis. Still need to bring her to the vet soon.
So this morning I woke up with a sort of messed up blessing in disguise. I had some really strong pain in my side, nausea and a slight fever. It was my first day of my patch, so usually I feel at my best (which isn't great but not usually sharp pain). It had all the signs of a kidney stone so I quickly got to a urologist since today was the last day of my insurance. Unfortunately it turned out I have a 10mm stone - completely unpassable - in the joint of my kidney, trying to pass. If it gets out it could block my kidney. It's also been forming for a while, like a year, and apparently it's been the primary reason why I've had increasing pain for a while in my side (that comes and goes because according to my doc it's been rolling back and forth from my kidney to the joint - where the kidney joins to the ureter). So yeah - it won't pass and I HAVE to have surgery or it won't ever go away and it could cause serious problems.
Hearing this made me immediately start crying in the doctor's office - I mean how would I deal with this with no insurance? I mean it seemed pretty impossible. So you're thinking - how is this a blessing in disguise? Well... it sucks, I'll give you that, and it will mean a lot of pain. But, it also sort of helps. First, at least temporarily I don't have to worry about detoxing as I now have pain meds to help with the agonizing pain. Of course, its not the same meds or as strong and considering I'm still in horrible pain with the meds my urologist gave AND the patch, I'm scared of how it will feel in a few days when I don't have more patches but my doc did say that if I need something stronger he will help (keep in mind - this is NOT about getting high in any way - and I know I'll have pain either way but I just want to avoid horrifying screaming pain if I can). So yeah, temporarily I have access to pain management and it buys some time until I can find a pain doc (and this should actually help my case in finding a pain doc). Next, I am extremely fortunate enough to have a father that doesn't want to let me miss out on a totally necessary surgery. He is helping me get insurance even though it costs an arm and a leg and he's going to go with me to the hospital. That and he helped calmed me down when the run around from the insurance company gave me a panic attack.
So yeah, it's not a normal thing to think of a huge painful kidney stone as a "good" thing but in a lot of ways it's actually helping me. It's been impossible to get any support from my family (well my dad is good - just that he thinks I'm a lazy good-for-nothing and that my problems were caused by my own bad choices). Now I actually have irrefutable evidence that I am sick - a tangible proof - a visible (on an x-ray) sign that I am not just a slacker with hypochondria. Sure I had proof before but it wasn't strong enough for my family to believe - this stone is something they can understand. It's such a relief! I don't want their pity - I just wanted them to understand I'm not a big faker.
Unfortunately my mom is still having some issues. We stopped talking for a month because of an argument we had when she called me a drug addict. When she heard from my sister about the detoxing (this was before the stone was discovered) she called me today to see how I was, which was good. The only problem is she still thinks I'm an addict. She said she knows I'm not and crackhead, but there's all kinds of addicts - like an coffee addict - so I think she was trying to say that I wasn't a drug seeker which is good... but then she follows that up by saying she wants to hear from a doctor herself that I need these meds. Then she said I should send her my doctor's records! I'm 34 years old - she can't take my word? Why would I even be on these meds if a doctor didn't prescribe them? I'm not buying them on the street or something. I told her (and this just happened recently) that I went to the county run detox center to see if they could help with my withdrawal symptoms when they eventually hit. The guy I spoke to was the expert on pain killer addictions and he said that I don't need to detox, I need pain meds - if that's what a doctor gave me to manage my pain then that's what I need to manage my pain. I have to say - hearing that from someone who's profession is telling people to stop taking pain meds was pretty uplifting. I also told my mom that just because a medicine causes a dependence doesn't make it bad - all kinds of meds cause a dependence like blood pressure medicine, non narcotic neuralgia meds, epilepsy meds, and anti-depressants... it doesn't mean they should never be used! She offered to pay for my insurance for 2 months (I hadn't mentioned yet that my dad had already said he would) - I thought, great! One thing dad won't have to pay (since all this drama started my mom has not helped financially, not that she has to in any way, but what bothers me is when she offers but then makes it so in order for me to get her support I have to concede to her control). She then said she would only give me money if I did everything she said including get off pain meds. Now keep in mind, most of the stuff she's asked for I've already done or may be forced to do because of lack of a doctor - so it's not the requirements that are the problem. I just refuse to bow down and do what she thinks is best. It's one thing to make suggestions (most of which I take) - it's another thing to force her will and specific religious practices on me. I don't take kindly to threats. Plus I just didn't have the time or energy to put up with arguing with her because I had to deal with the insurance company. Later tonight she called but I was enjoying a welcomed break from stress by watching Glee so I let it go to voicemail. I listened to her message and she was crying and saying she's not sure why I took what she said the wrong way and just a whole bunch of guilt-trippy stuff. So what, I'm supposed to call her up to comfort HER? Somehow this is all about how I'm unfair to HER now? My sister did the same guilt trip, passive aggressive crap and it drives me crazy. My dad may be a bit gruff and not all warm and fuzzy but at least he never pull this guilt trip passive aggressive stuff with me.
Wow that was a long ramble - but I just wanted to say that despite all this mess, the horribleness of pain, and my psycho passive aggressive mother - I'm actually feeling less depressed. I'm still lost and have no idea what will happen to me but I think sometimes when things get to the point of being so bad they're ridiculous it actually makes you take a step back and have some... perspective. I'm not sure if I'm explaining it right. Not to say I'm "fixed" - I'm still having a lot of problems obviously, but now I at least have my dad in my corner... and I guess my mom "thinks" whatever she's doing is supportive... at least I know in some messed up way she cares. So yeah, I guess I'll be ok for a little while longer :) Thanks for your support!