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life, a maze
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 1/27/2012 2:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi everybody. I feel very weird today! I'm very tired of all this working hard to be happy and smiling thing! I feel tired! Last night was crazy for me. I went in my room and my heart started racing. I heard some sound in my room, under my bed. And as my ex bf knew where I live. My sixth sense thought it was him! My heart came in my mouth. I got so unbelievably scared. But turned out that when i looked inside my bed, there was nobody.

I have been fearing him a lot. I am a very weak person. I dont know if its hope sometimes and sometimes fear that when ever I enter my room, I look under my bed and in my washroom and around my window. Its stupid that I haven't gotten over him yet. I feel so sick of myself sometimes when I remember how I used to think that hes my soul mate.

Earlier this day, I had to switch on my number to call my friend. As I have all my numbers switched off for the moment. I received a prank phone call. Seemed like some drunk girl called me or something. Not sure if she was drunk. But she called me and started abusing me. She said so much to me. Even though I had no fault. My mouth was zipped. I couldn't come up with anything. She was probably calling some one else and mistakenly called me. Cause she told me some information that I was unaware of.

But I felt so crap. She called again. I tried to build up courage. But dint come up with anything else other than asking her why she was doing this to me and that she should fear that her words might hurt some body. But she didnt stop. She had this scariest, monstrous sound I had ever heard. She was constantly abusing me without a pause. Which scared me to hell.

I dont know if im being over thoughtful about this but I have this feeling that my ex bf might have come up with this plot to scare me up. I feel very crapty right now. Because even though I have always been very careful to never hurt somebody BUT time and time again people hurt me and make me feel like crap. Without any mistake from my side.

I still cant figure out the reason why my ex bf cheated and faked our 4 year old perfect relation.. Until I hadn't figure out that he was faking all the time I always thought that my life was perfect and prayed and was always thankful. I cried and asked God to take away everything that I owned and give him happiness and solutions to his problem when he had a bad phase.

Some days I recollect myself and can be at comfort but some days its like my world has come to an end. I don't know where to hide all the gifts, notes and surprises he used to give me all the time. I hide them everyday, then start missing him so much and then hug them and cry aloud.

P.S: I'm a waste atm!!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 1/27/2012 4:10 PM (GMT -6)   
Do you think it is time that you part with all the things he gave you? If he is actually doing this to you, the tormenting and stuff, I think you should forget about him and move on with your life.

Why do you fear him being under your bed? Are you afraid of him?

What do you mean by the title of your thread and your last comment? Do you mean that you are wasted? Or that you are a waste? I don't understand. If you mean that you are wasted, that is no answer to your problems and is only going to make things worse. If you mean you are a waste, you are totally wrong about that. I feel you are very worthy. I hope that you are okay. I am a little bit worried about what you are thinking about. Especially your fear of him being in your house or around you. Could you explain more?

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

life, a maze
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 1/27/2012 4:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Karen you are such a sweet heart!

By wasted I mean that Im a waste now. Because theres nothing more in my life than tears and regrets that I loved the wrong person and bound my self for him. There were a lot of things I wanted to do but he never let me do. Because he was very possessive. I was too but I let him do things. He stopped me and now Im like him. Even though we arent together, I do things that he wanted. Im just like him. Just because Im used to being like this..

Yes I fear him a lot. My heart starts racing. Its because hes been very mean to me and abused me when we broke up. He called bad names. He said that I was yet another girl he wanted to sleep with and that was all that he wanted from me all this time (even though we never slept together) His anger is very intense. He gets wild when hes angry and cant control himself. That is why I fear him. I fear that he might some day come face to face with me and see how weak im!

Jim1969
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 1/27/2012 7:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Have you ever considered taking some martial arts classes or even a self defense class?

I am not suggesting this because of any chance that you may need to defend yourself from your ex, but rather that it can help you gain confidence in yourself to handle what ever life may throw at you.

I was bullied a lot as a child and it really effected my self confidence. It made me afraid of the new and/or unexpected. When I was 14 I convinced my Mom to let me study Tae Kwon Do. I made it to within 3 levels of a black belt and I was also granted an honorary black belt in Karate when I studied that art form for about 6 months because I had temporarily moved to a new city when I was 15. It tremendously helped my self confidence as well as my self esteem.

Anyway, it is a thought.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.
Moderator Depression Forum.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20282
   Posted 1/28/2012 5:47 AM (GMT -6)   
sending healing compassionate prayers to you.

have you thought about some counselling? we are here for you. jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

life, a maze
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 1/28/2012 7:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Jim- I have never received such an advice and I believe i'm definitely going to try this one out. Even though it seems totally opposite to my personality BUT i WANT to be brave and fearless about everything. I wont fear losing people anymore or them physically harming me. I have been fearing to lose people all my life but now when I meet them I'll satisfy myself with the thought that in the END, they leave. No strings attached. So hope that it will work for me. :) Thanku for ur advice. :)

Jamie- Awwwwhh! thanku!! :) ummm, I haven't yet but I believe i ll prepare myself for it sometime! :)

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 1/28/2012 8:27 AM (GMT -6)   
I understand what you mean that you put your whole heart into this relationship.....You thought he did too! Then you find out he did not feel the same way. I did that and even married and had 3 children with this person He also like your cheated. I was devasted we had been together for over 18yrs and basically he was saying this whole part if my life was all a hoax. I had put so much into that marrige and find out it was all for nothing. In the end the man that was suppose to love treated me like I was garbage calling me everything in the book it left me crushed. The reason for me telling this story is I three years later met and married a man who treats me like a queen, we are truely each others best friend.(we will be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary on Valentines Day) I want you to see there is someone good out there for you if you would only move on.....you deserve better than what you had....I never realized before until I found this wonderful man. Get rid of the stuff that reminds you of him that will make it easier to move on. YOU ARE NOT A WASTE!!!!!

Be good to yourself and take care....
Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

life, a maze
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 1/28/2012 12:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Wowww Amy!!! This makes me sooo happy for you and for me!! I'm so glad that you are through it. Because I know this feeling and its crap! Thank u so much for sharing your story! It gives me a lot of courage to face the circumstances right now!! Im going to throw all the memories away definitely!! Thanks sooo much! U are truly amazing!! Lots of love! :)

Post Edited (life, a maze) : 1/29/2012 6:32:02 AM (GMT-7)


theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20282
   Posted 1/29/2012 6:12 AM (GMT -6)   
yep wowwwww amy and congrats!!! :-) jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.
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