Welcome and a very sincere, long, hard hug for you. I am choked up by your post. You have had a hard start to adulthood for sure. I wish I could tell you that the hurt you feel will go away . . . but it may not. You will though find a better way to cope with it. I look at it like this. . . when something awefull happens, I need to make a space for it in my brain . . . it kindof looks like a shelf to me . . . I have to make a special place there where I can keep the special times and the hurting times. Sometimes it takes a long time to make that special place for something so painful as you have experienced. I hope I'm not getting too long here . . but people can skip the rest if it doesn't interest them.
You have several issues going on with this one fellow. First: You said that you gave your virginity to him. Well, our first time is meant to be with THE guy. It is like super glue to hold you together, especially for the woman. That connection is intended to be very, very strong. I'm not critisizing permisguity, I'm simply stating that the first time has a huge impact on us. Second: He didn't dependably and consistanty return your strong feelings for him, so you felt somewhat abandoned or rejected. Third: When he died, you lost all hope of ever being able to make that relationship work again. . . Fourth: You expressed guilt in not being there for him.
These are just a few things that I could sense from my tiny knowledge of you. Those are a LOT of feelings to work through. You have a very heavy load sis! I think you did a real good thing by sharing that with us.
Do you have insurance so that you can see a counselor?? Do you have a clergy member available?? A local mental health clinic with a sliding scale??? Because you really do need to be able to share this with someone who can help you complete the grieving process and put some perspecitive on things so that a very hard situation isn't made even worse by 'junk' you may add to it. The sooner, the better, because you are slowing letting go of everything that matters to you.
I'm so glad that you found us. I read your others posts and you sound like you have developed wisdom and understanding that is beyond your age.
Thanks for sharing too . . . because as I have said in other posts, there are people reading who are unable to share and your story will help some of them too.
In His Grip,
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptylene, Salagen, Lotrel
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