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Posted 4/14/2005 8:36 AM (GMT -8)
i'm only 19 but already through half of my life i have struggled with depression. i was a happy-go-lucky girl until around age 10 or 11. that's when i started to go down hill. people would make fun of me because i'm short (i'm 5 feet tall now but then i was even smaller compared to my peers), i had a difficult time making friends, i wanted to be in the "popular" group but they never accepted me. i began to develop trichotillomania (plucking hairs out of anxiety) and my parents put me in Luvox and Zoloft when i was 13 which didn't help at all. they made me see therapists, pyschologists, the works. nothing did me any good because i knew they were getting paid to talk and didn't truly care about me.

i met the love of my life, my soulmate, at 14--we took eachother's virginity. we dated on again off again for about two years. he was my world, my everything. he was hot and cold towards me and i started to break away and date other people, but i still loved him so much. nobody compares to him. i still search for someone that could. nothing, he was so  unique. i am convinced that we were meant to be together. around this time, 16 years old i was rebelling heavily, doing drugs, partying, getting in trouble with the police, etc. i wanted to run away, i hated my parents so much. i'm an only child so all their attention was focused on me for better or for (mostly) worse.

after i graduated from high school i moved away. now i go to college but i'm dropping out soon. i have no friends here. my parents and i are friends again. which is good. but my depression is spiraling out of control. my soulmate i mentioned earlier? he died of a heroin overdose two years ago. i cry every night thinking about him. i look at his pictures and wish that i never moved so i could've at least been with him more. he meant everything to me. i can't explain it. another friend of mine died before he did, and i went through the grieving process like a healthy individual. not with this death. now i am sad every day. it's like part of me died with him. i don't know what to do anymore. i have no money, i have no friends, all that is keeping me going is my family, but even that isn't enough, i hate my life.

i don't know why i posted my "sob story" here i guess i just feel so alone because i never get to tell anyone about this, i think i've only told this to one friend of mine because it's such a big deal to be so open about my feelings towards some people i mentioned i'm just too scared to reveal the truth.

Post Edited (hazeleyes) : 4/14/2005 10:48:06 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/14/2005 8:50 AM (GMT -8)
Hazeleyes, Welcome. I am not sure what to say other than I am here when you need someone to listen to. Life is never easy and I often question why some events occur. I will never know the answers in this lifetime but hope to find the answers in the next life. If all that is keeping you going right now is your family, cling to them. If is enough to get started on finding out who you are and which direction to face to find the happiness each of us desperatly seeks. Good luck and please don't be a stranger.
Posted 4/14/2005 8:53 AM (GMT -8)
thanks for your kind words, CheerDad. everyone here seems really nice and the posts i've read so far are very interesting. i've noticed a lot of similarities with myself & what other members are going through. so i feel better knowing that i can at least be apart of a "community" because it would be all i have--i am too scared to go to support groups in real life, because i have a difficult time being social. hopefully some day i can figure out how to be happy again and move forward in the right direction but it's going to be a long journey.
Posted 4/14/2005 12:27 PM (GMT -8)
(((((((((((((Hazeleyes))))))))))))

Welcome and a very sincere, long, hard hug for you. I am choked up by your post. You have had a hard start to adulthood for sure. I wish I could tell you that the hurt you feel will go away . . . but it may not. You will though find a better way to cope with it. I look at it like this. . . when something awefull happens, I need to make a space for it in my brain . . . it kindof looks like a shelf to me . . . I have to make a special place there where I can keep the special times and the hurting times. Sometimes it takes a long time to make that special place for something so painful as you have experienced. I hope I'm not getting too long here . . but people can skip the rest if it doesn't interest them.

You have several issues going on with this one fellow. First: You said that you gave your virginity to him. Well, our first time is meant to be with THE guy. It is like super glue to hold you together, especially for the woman. That connection is intended to be very, very strong. I'm not critisizing permisguity, I'm simply stating that the first time has a huge impact on us. Second: He didn't dependably and consistanty return your strong feelings for him, so you felt somewhat abandoned or rejected. Third: When he died, you lost all hope of ever being able to make that relationship work again. . . Fourth: You expressed guilt in not being there for him.

These are just a few things that I could sense from my tiny knowledge of you. Those are a LOT of feelings to work through. You have a very heavy load sis! I think you did a real good thing by sharing that with us.

Do you have insurance so that you can see a counselor?? Do you have a clergy member available?? A local mental health clinic with a sliding scale??? Because you really do need to be able to share this with someone who can help you complete the grieving process and put some perspecitive on things so that a very hard situation isn't made even worse by 'junk' you may add to it. The sooner, the better, because you are slowing letting go of everything that matters to you.

I'm so glad that you found us. I read your others posts and you sound like you have developed wisdom and understanding that is beyond your age.

Thanks for sharing too . . . because as I have said in other posts, there are people reading who are unable to share and your story will help some of them too.

Blessings!
Posted 4/14/2005 3:49 PM (GMT -8)
Hazeleyes, I too, am touched by your post.As a woman in her mid 40's, I too, went through many of life's 'kicks' early on.The most important thing I can stress is," DON'T GIVE UP!"You don't know what good things life may have in store, also.I feel fortunate that I have always felt a closeness to God(even though my attending church is sporadic)and that gives me comfort for those unbearable hurts of life. But still it doesn't give answers to "why?"Life is hard and there is no way around that fact. But it is also joyous, and it can come in the form of helping someone else. Please keep posting, because you could help someone by telling your story!Take care and let us know how you are doing...
Posted 4/14/2005 7:20 PM (GMT -8)
Always Rosie--you are completely correct in your understanding of my issues, wow.. i just touched upon the tip of the iceburg but you already knew what was going on "beneath" it! i am really impressed.

the first issue, yes, i wanted to be with him forever, from the first day i met him. i didn't even want to give it up to him right away but after it was done i was immediately attached. secondly: exactly, which helped continue my path to self-destruction (thankfully i pulled myself out before it was too late). third: yep! always in the back of my mind i wanted to meet up with him again. i know he wanted to as well but we grew apart so he never approached me either. fourth: yes, it's really surreal that he's still gone. so i feel guilty because i want to change so many things. it's tough moving on because when you're young you think you're so invincible.

anyway, thank you for your thoughts, it has really made me feel better knowing that there are people out there who can really help me analyze what is going on and know that it's really complicated!!

D-Rule--i know exactly how you feel! i am sorry for your loss. i feel guilty a lot, partly because we never got to heal our wounds together. i always wanted to talk to him, tell him my true feelings and everything, but it never happened. the only thing that makes me feel better is that his pain is gone and he may be in a better place.

Jo A223--i'm glad that i may be able to help--i think just by reaching out already it's alleviating 'the fog of depression', since i was so alone for so long. like i mentioned, i could not discuss this with my friends because of the fragile nature of teenage relationships.

thank you everyone again everyone here is amazing.
Posted 4/14/2005 8:28 PM (GMT -8)
Hazel, I was happy to see you post again. Life is one big soap opera isn't it?? I'm glad we have each other to lean on a bit. It's easier here because we are somewhat anonymous.

Blessings!
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