i'm only 19 but already through half of my life i have struggled with depression. i was a happy-go-lucky girl until around age 10 or 11. that's when i started to go down hill. people would make fun of me because i'm short (i'm 5 feet tall now but then i was even smaller compared to my peers), i had a difficult time making friends, i wanted to be in the "popular" group but they never accepted me. i began to develop trichotillomania (plucking hairs out of anxiety) and my parents put me in Luvox and Zoloft when i was 13 which didn't help at all. they made me see therapists, pyschologists, the works. nothing did me any good because i knew they were getting paid to talk and didn't truly care about me.
i met the love of my life, my soulmate, at 14--we took eachother's virginity. we dated on again off again for about two years. he was my world, my everything. he was hot and cold towards me and i started to break away and date other people, but i still loved him so much. nobody compares to him. i still search for someone that could. nothing, he was so unique. i am convinced that we were meant to be together. around this time, 16 years old i was rebelling heavily, doing drugs, partying, getting in trouble with the police, etc. i wanted to run away, i hated my parents so much. i'm an only child so all their attention was focused on me for better or for (mostly) worse.
after i graduated from high school i moved away. now i go to college but i'm dropping out soon. i have no friends here. my parents and i are friends again. which is good. but my depression is spiraling out of control. my soulmate i mentioned earlier? he died of a heroin overdose two years ago. i cry every night thinking about him. i look at his pictures and wish that i never moved so i could've at least been with him more. he meant everything to me. i can't explain it. another friend of mine died before he did, and i went through the grieving process like a healthy individual. not with this death. now i am sad every day. it's like part of me died with him. i don't know what to do anymore. i have no money, i have no friends, all that is keeping me going is my family, but even that isn't enough, i hate my life.
i don't know why i posted my "sob story" here i guess i just feel so alone because i never get to tell anyone about this, i think i've only told this to one friend of mine because it's such a big deal to be so open about my feelings towards some people i mentioned i'm just too scared to reveal the truth.
Post Edited (hazeleyes) : 4/14/2005 10:48:06 AM (GMT-6)