my life

Hazeleyes, Welcome. I am not sure what to say other than I am here when you need someone to listen to. Life is never easy and I often question why some events occur. I will never know the answers in this lifetime but hope to find the answers in the next life. If all that is keeping you going right now is your family, cling to them. If is enough to get started on finding out who you are and which direction to face to find the happiness each of us desperatly seeks. Good luck and please don't be a stranger.

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(((((((((((((Hazeleyes))))))))))))

Welcome and a very sincere, long, hard hug for you. I am choked up by your post. You have had a hard start to adulthood for sure. I wish I could tell you that the hurt you feel will go away . . . but it may not. You will though find a better way to cope with it. I look at it like this. . . when something awefull happens, I need to make a space for it in my brain . . . it kindof looks like a shelf to me . . . I have to make a special place there where I can keep the special times and the hurting times. Sometimes it takes a long time to make that special place for something so painful as you have experienced. I hope I'm not getting too long here . . but people can skip the rest if it doesn't interest them.

You have several issues going on with this one fellow. First: You said that you gave your virginity to him. Well, our first time is meant to be with THE guy. It is like super glue to hold you together, especially for the woman. That connection is intended to be very, very strong. I'm not critisizing permisguity, I'm simply stating that the first time has a huge impact on us. Second: He didn't dependably and consistanty return your strong feelings for him, so you felt somewhat abandoned or rejected. Third: When he died, you lost all hope of ever being able to make that relationship work again. . . Fourth: You expressed guilt in not being there for him.

These are just a few things that I could sense from my tiny knowledge of you. Those are a LOT of feelings to work through. You have a very heavy load sis! I think you did a real good thing by sharing that with us.

Do you have insurance so that you can see a counselor?? Do you have a clergy member available?? A local mental health clinic with a sliding scale??? Because you really do need to be able to share this with someone who can help you complete the grieving process and put some perspecitive on things so that a very hard situation isn't made even worse by 'junk' you may add to it. The sooner, the better, because you are slowing letting go of everything that matters to you.

I'm so glad that you found us. I read your others posts and you sound like you have developed wisdom and understanding that is beyond your age.

Thanks for sharing too . . . because as I have said in other posts, there are people reading who are unable to share and your story will help some of them too.

Blessings!

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In His Grip,

Always Rosie--you are completely correct in your understanding of my issues, wow.. i just touched upon the tip of the iceburg but you already knew what was going on "beneath" it! i am really impressed.

the first issue, yes, i wanted to be with him forever, from the first day i met him. i didn't even want to give it up to him right away but after it was done i was immediately attached. secondly: exactly, which helped continue my path to self-destruction (thankfully i pulled myself out before it was too late). third: yep! always in the back of my mind i wanted to meet up with him again. i know he wanted to as well but we grew apart so he never approached me either. fourth: yes, it's really surreal that he's still gone. so i feel guilty because i want to change so many things. it's tough moving on because when you're young you think you're so invincible.

anyway, thank you for your thoughts, it has really made me feel better knowing that there are people out there who can really help me analyze what is going on and know that it's really complicated!!

D-Rule--i know exactly how you feel! i am sorry for your loss. i feel guilty a lot, partly because we never got to heal our wounds together. i always wanted to talk to him, tell him my true feelings and everything, but it never happened. the only thing that makes me feel better is that his pain is gone and he may be in a better place.

Jo A223--i'm glad that i may be able to help--i think just by reaching out already it's alleviating 'the fog of depression', since i was so alone for so long. like i mentioned, i could not discuss this with my friends because of the fragile nature of teenage relationships.

thank you everyone again everyone here is amazing.