Posted 2/2/2012 1:10 PM (GMT -7)
I haven't posted in awhile, but I'll try to keep it short. I think I have really been doing well with "taking care" of myself aka getting my life back on track. I have been able to spend time alone, without feeling lonely. I have been less fearful of running errands and running into ex. I have been A LOT more social (like I used to be). Even paying attention to some dating prospects. I have started making plans again for the future and looking forward to them.
Today, I woke up from an odd dream. The bad dreams have gotten better, but usually, when it gets close to my bi-weekly therapy session, I start having odd dreams and getting anxious. It always helps meeting in my group therapy and EMDR sessions.
Anyway, I suddenly burst into tears while on the phone with a friend. For so long, I had asked my supporters to tell me that ex wasn't (and couldn't) be happy with her llife, not after how she ended things and treated me. I thought I wanted to hear that until I actually heard it. Back when things were really rough, I asked my friend, Jessica, to take all of ex's things out of my house. I apologized for making it her responsibility to see to it that they were returned, but I really just couldn't handle it. Ex went to her house last night to get the things.
Jessica said she stared at the box like it was death. She also said ex made a comment to Jess, asking "Why don't you ever text me anymore?". Jessica told her the phone worked both ways and after never hearing from ex, she just stopped texting. Anyway, when asked how she was, ex replied, "same as I was 'back then', just a different day". Then she proceeded to talk about her friend that committed suicide.
It broke my heart that as much as I wanted her to be miserable, that she really is. Since she left me, I thought maybe I was part of what made her so miserable. I'm still hurt some days, but I'm thankful she's not in my life. I'd still be where I was in September, wondering how I woke up one day single (literally). Got told goodnight, wake, BAM single.
I don't understand why she doesn't do something to improve her pain. I honestly think she's so depressed and consumed in herself that she probably wasn't even conscious of how horrible she was to me. It hurts so badly that she threw away our relationship of 2 years over not being able to process her grief.
I know I have made progress because I asked Jessica why my love wasn't enough. And I said, no, don't answer that; it's irrational thinking and not the truth. My love wouldn't have fixed it.
It still hurts to know that someone I cared for so deeply isn't even aware of the pain she caused. I guess I just wanted her to miss me. And I want to hear that it's not my fault.
Man... I was doing so well! I haven't cried in weeks. And now I'm at my desk again in tears. Like Karen says, one day at a time.