need a little boost... haven't posted in awhile

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greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 2/2/2012 2:10 PM (GMT -6)   
I haven't posted in awhile, but I'll try to keep it short. I think I have really been doing well with "taking care" of myself aka getting my life back on track. I have been able to spend time alone, without feeling lonely. I have been less fearful of running errands and running into ex. I have been A LOT more social (like I used to be). Even paying attention to some dating prospects. I have started making plans again for the future and looking forward to them.

Today, I woke up from an odd dream. The bad dreams have gotten better, but usually, when it gets close to my bi-weekly therapy session, I start having odd dreams and getting anxious. It always helps meeting in my group therapy and EMDR sessions.

Anyway, I suddenly burst into tears while on the phone with a friend. For so long, I had asked my supporters to tell me that ex wasn't (and couldn't) be happy with her llife, not after how she ended things and treated me. I thought I wanted to hear that until I actually heard it. Back when things were really rough, I asked my friend, Jessica, to take all of ex's things out of my house. I apologized for making it her responsibility to see to it that they were returned, but I really just couldn't handle it. Ex went to her house last night to get the things.

Jessica said she stared at the box like it was death. She also said ex made a comment to Jess, asking "Why don't you ever text me anymore?". Jessica told her the phone worked both ways and after never hearing from ex, she just stopped texting. Anyway, when asked how she was, ex replied, "same as I was 'back then', just a different day". Then she proceeded to talk about her friend that committed suicide.

It broke my heart that as much as I wanted her to be miserable, that she really is. Since she left me, I thought maybe I was part of what made her so miserable. I'm still hurt some days, but I'm thankful she's not in my life. I'd still be where I was in September, wondering how I woke up one day single (literally). Got told goodnight, wake, BAM single.

I don't understand why she doesn't do something to improve her pain. I honestly think she's so depressed and consumed in herself that she probably wasn't even conscious of how horrible she was to me. It hurts so badly that she threw away our relationship of 2 years over not being able to process her grief.

I know I have made progress because I asked Jessica why my love wasn't enough. And I said, no, don't answer that; it's irrational thinking and not the truth. My love wouldn't have fixed it.

It still hurts to know that someone I cared for so deeply isn't even aware of the pain she caused. I guess I just wanted her to miss me. And I want to hear that it's not my fault.

Man... I was doing so well! I haven't cried in weeks. And now I'm at my desk again in tears. Like Karen says, one day at a time.

Courtney

PA_grandma
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 3667
   Posted 2/2/2012 3:01 PM (GMT -6)   
Courtney, I'm not able to give advice...but since we've 'met' I've seen so much progress in your life.
Hang in there, lady...
The nicest thing about the future is... that it always starts
tomorrow.

Joyce

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 2/2/2012 4:25 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Courtney,

There is no way that you are responsible for her feelings and actions. When somebody is that depressed, sometimes they don't even realize it. At least not until they start to feel better. And that could be awhile, I doubt that she is even going to counseling. Though she really needs it. I don't see anything as being your fault. And I think it is going to be a long time before you hear an apology if ever. Once she realizes what she did, she will probably be quite embarrassed. If she even realizes. It sounds like she is quite a self centered person, so she may never see your side of it.

Don't let that make you feel bad though. Just learn what you can from the experience. If you have any fond memories, keep them. It was just a part of your life. It is your history. And just because it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, doesn't make it necessarily bad. It was just a part of your life. You had an experience from it and we grow from that.

I do agree one day at a time. That is really all we can do...

Peace be with you...

Have a wonderful evening Courtney...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Jarad
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2012
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 2/2/2012 6:26 PM (GMT -6)   
I went through a similair thing with my ex. two years later she called me out of the blue to apologize for how crazy she was. When we broke up i was devestated for a long long time. Now i have a wonderful girl who treats me so so well. You will find someone that will change everything for you. Just keep what was as a learning expirience. I used to think i was the only person that had lived like that, but a lot of people have, and a lot of people are now very happy wit there lives. You will be to. I never thought i would be, but here i am :)

Best wishes!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 2/2/2012 7:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Very happy for you Jarad. Thanks for sharing and for the advice for Courtney.
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 2/3/2012 8:11 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you everyone for the kind words. I do know that things are better this way. I could still be as lost and in pain as I was three months ago and that is BAD.

I guess yesterday was just a rough day-- I was warned I would have them. So, today is a new day with new things to anticipate.

Jarad, I'm glad you have someone so wonderful. I am sure I will too, I'm not worried about that part. I guess I'd just like for the pain to be so far out of me it can't creep up like it did!

Again, thank you. Back to the "anything about everything" thread I go!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 2/3/2012 9:42 AM (GMT -6)   
You sound good today Courtney. Keep up the fantastic work...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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