Posted 2/4/2012 8:25 PM (GMT -7)
Hello my HW family,
I miss you all. I see that we have lots of new family members. Hello, it is nice to meet you all, although, I wish the reason we are meeting were different.
So let me bring you up to date. You know that I experienced a break up that has taken me to the lowest point ever. A place that had/has such a strong hold on me no matter what I do. I have had fits of uncontrollable crying that lasted about 6 months. I still cry but not like that. I started with the psych dr and therapist in September. I have been on lithium, wellbutrin, lexapro, ativan, and lamotrigine during this period. At one point i was taking 11-13 pills per day and the dosages increased every time I went back to the psych. Nothing was really working. Then, I started to have a little relief in Dec. but as luck would have it, I experienced this dizziness, blurred then double vision. Acute bronchitis and Acute Sinusitus (Dec 28 - Jan 3) Of course that brought on the anxiety. I thought I was drifting away because I couldn't breathe sitting, lying, or standing. I stopped taking all of medication, because I wasn't sure if I was reacting to them. Good thing none of them give any real withdrawal. I do have the brain zaps and hope they eventually go away.
The sadness started to creep back in without the medication, but I am too afraid to take it. The neurologist wants an MRI with contrast but the thought of lying flat on my back sends me into a bit of anxiety. Then I am afraid to take the valium so that I can go on with the test. Well, the radiology center has been messing up for about 4 weeks so I haven't had to have it yet. Go to a new dr on Feb 14.
So, I went through a while without being sad about the breakup because I was so worried about my eyes and being unable to breathe. Thought I was getting over it. Well, a facebook notification came through. I have only been on mine 2 or 3 times. I go to the page and find that my ex has put up a photo of she and her new girlfriend. This sets me right on back.
An old friend said she isn't worth all that I have been going through. She then tells me that my ex had been seeing other people as far back as summer 2010. Telling me she is tired, or working late, or out with coworkers. Then she lets me see the facebook page. I was blocked from it I guess. There are many pictures of them. She posted that they were a couple in July, before we had officially split. She went on a trip during the same time that we were supposed to go but couldn't because she had to go to training, which is what she told me. She calls her, her wife. Our mutual friend even told me the 2 of them had been on a trip while we were still together - she said she went because the girl had already paid for the trip. Well, I had already begun paying on our trip but she made an excuse not to go.
Everything we had was a lie. She told me she wanted to marry me. When I mentioned this to my friend she said she never told her that. Which means that was a lie too. She told her about her escapades but not about that. She say that she loved me. Did she. Couldn't have.
Mutual friend didn't tell me while we were together because she said I was so happy. Tells me now because of what I am going through.
So at this point I am feeling bad. Sort of ready to cry off and on but not uncontrollably. Hurt in a different way. I trusted her. Was going to alter my whole life for her. A liar and a cheater. Still telling me she cares deeply for me and would do anything for me.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. She introduced me to someone. Said she had someone she knew through a friend that might be good for me. WHAT!!! Well I talked to the lady and found out that they met online while we were together. She doesn't know the nature of our relationship. I am so hurt. But silly me right, for giving my heart. Guys, I gave more that my heart, I gave all of me only to have it all ground to the finest of dusts and then blown away with the most powerful of fans. (Tears roll down my face as i write this)
I hope after the dust has all settled that I can still find me. Did I tell you that my psych dr said I am one of the worst cases she has seen in a while? Said we will have a celebration when I am able to go to once every 3 months. Wow, I don't want to be the worst.
Now I have been off of work and my leave has run out. Which means no money. Have a little in the bank, but once Feb mortgage is paid that's it. Just something else this beast called depression can use to dig into me. I am going to the social services office Monday to see if I can qualify for anything until I go back to work.
Ok, that's all for now. I think of you all often but with my eyes like this it is hard to sit here and read or type.