I am just waiting...

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fadingstar
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2012
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 2/11/2012 7:24 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm 16 and have been severely depressed since the age of 11. Currently stopped all therapy and medication. School drop-out.

...a little background info...
I once made a promise to myself that I would never  without having tried EVERYTHING to get better first. So, I told someone. I got myself help at 14, and was so scared. But I was hopeful. I really did think someone could save me. I started on Prozac and counselling weekly. I was doing good... until I had a manic episode which lasted a week,  This was a few month ago. I then stopped on that medication and got put on Zoloft, which helped me so much. With the medication and the counselling, I was starting to get better. Slowly, but surely. I was feeling again. Positivity, hope, love, joy. It was as if someone had opened those curtains one morning, which had been closed for decades. I felt overwhelmed, undeserving of happiness. I am a bad person - I don't deserve to get better. I started to feel again, and that scared the hell outta me. So I closed myself off. I stopped my medication, I stopped counselling, I dropped out of school, I stopped speaking to my friends and family.

So here I am. Waiting. But it's not working anymore.  I'm so tired of trying to get better and then getting scared and making relapsing. I don't have the strength to do it anymore. Doesn't anyone get it? I have no fight left in me. It's defeated me. It's won.

The only only thing stopping me, is my family. I don't want to hurt them. But I can't go on like this anymore... can't they understand?

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 2/11/2012 6:13:10 PM (GMT-7)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 2/11/2012 8:16 PM (GMT -6)   
Fadingstar,

Welcome to the forum. I know it took a lot to post what you did. I am sorry that you are feeling defeated. I had to edit your post as we aren't allowed to discuss suicide here. Why do you keep going off of your meds and stopping counseling? You have to keep at it until you find the right mix. You found something that helped you, stick to it. Get your ged or go back to school because without that, you don't stand a chance in life.

Don't give up. I know that it is hard. Talk to your parents about how you feel. That is the only way that they will understand. They are probably scared too. You must keep on with counseling. Many of us take years to find the right meds, and the right therapist. If the medications are working, stay on them. Maybe add a mood stabilizer, that worked wonders for me.

Keep trying, know that we all care about you here.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

esoR
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 4147
   Posted 2/11/2012 8:44 PM (GMT -6)   
fadingstar, You are only 16, you have an entire life ahead of you. What you need is the right med or combo of meds and the right counseling. You have made good starts, you just haven't hooked into the BEST for you. The reason it appears that nobody understands is that you are young, and likely physically healthy. OF THAT BE GLAD. More on that in a minute.

I was a teacher of people your age until I got life threatening complications/damages from a gut surgery (which on review was deemed to be unneeded)! The short form of a 13 month horror show was that my small and large intestine were scarred shut. It took me 13 months, 11 docs, and 7 medical centers before I found someone to save me the best that could be done, and due to the fact that I can still form internal scar tissue, there are no guarantees. BUT, here I was 50 and fighting for my life because I wanted to live. The best that could be done for me was that the scar tissue which was closing my small intestine could be taken off of it, and an end ileostomy could be created. This means that I pass stool from my small intestine into a bag and will be lucky if this arrangement continues to work. I am now 55 and so far so good.

Since I got my life saved the best that could be done, I have travelled extensively, taken up ballroom dance as a hobby, and eat the best that I can. I have to eat pretty bland. I don't always feel systemically normal as I lose a lot of salt and potassium and liquid as my colon was too damaged to be saved from the original unneeded surgery. It's the colon that absorbs salt and potassium and water back into the body.

So when I found out that the original damaging surgery was not even needed, yet was done anyway (procedures for dollars I guess at that hospital) then that lead to me almost losing my life, then to be saved I have to live with this arrangement for the rest of my life, however long that may be.

I only share this to try to give perspective. I hope you get the help you need and try to see beyond the now and try to appreciate likely the physical health you likely have. I hope you are physically healthy anyway. And just need the emotional help. Best wishes. Sincerely, Rose

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 2/12/2012 8:58 AM (GMT -6)   
Rose,

Thank you for sharing your story. It goes to show that there are always others worse off than ourselves and they still survive. You were very generous to share with us, what you are going through. I hope you keep posting here. You are a survivor and it really helps to hear this.

Thank you again for sharing.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

fadingstar
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2012
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 2/12/2012 9:33 AM (GMT -6)   
Rose,

You are a really strong person and I admire you for carrying on in life and living it to the full. I wish I had that same strength and determination to get better and live.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 2/12/2012 11:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Fadingstar,

I hope that you are feeling better. Take care, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

esoR
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 4147
   Posted 2/12/2012 1:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Karen and fadingstar.

Fadingstar, You DO have the same strength as I. Here is a little trick I learned though our issues are so different. Naturally all I went through severely traumatized me and I am now in Post traumatic stress syndrome therapy. PLUS I do have the risk of recurrence of small bowel adhesion obstruction, though so far so good for 4+ years now since the "rescue surgery" the best that could be done.

BUT, I found that singleness of purpose really helped me in my travels over 13 months of chasing help. I got up every morning and I actually worked at it like a work day. I got on the net and googled adhesion doctors. I faxed, I phoned, I kept a log. I made it my daily job. I flew to the Mayo Clinic for testing on a med flight. Their tests showed the trapped small bowel loops but even they said the surgery I needed to untrap them was too risky. THAT REALLY depressed me, if the Mayo Clinic could not handle or did not choose to deal with something. So I got all my records and brought them home with me. I had already seen the other 9 docs at major med centers. Basically docs were leaving me to die because I had been injured by a doc. Suddenly no doc wants to deal because there is this "brotherhood." Be that as it may...........

I had ONE MORE SHOT at getting saved by an older very experienced surgeon back in Mass where I live. I had seen this man prior and I just sensed that he was in medicine for all the right reasons to save lives even if he could not restore them to what they were. I was too damaged for that and recognized that easily. I sent all the tests from Mayo ahead so he'd have time to review them. The night before my appt with him, I went to a minister and I said, how do I phrase what I need. He said just say that to live you have to be able to eat, take in nutrients, and pass waste SOMEHOW just like other people do. Then just say, with the damages I have, how can that be done? And BINGO, the "cure" the best that could be done was found.

So in your search for help with the depression, treat each day as a work day. Research meds you have not yet tried, research the best docs in the field of depression, make calls, fax info, do emails, make it your daily job to get help. You will be working toward saving your own life. There is NO BETTER MOTIVATOR than that. PLUS you will be busy and have a purpose toward which you are working. I honestly think this is what got me through.

I was a teacher of kids your age, an my maternal instincts are going wild! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!! YOu have to reach out and attack this problem head on. You can do it. Don't expect your docs to do all the research on depression meds or find you just the right counselor. YOU have to do it. Depression is an illness like I had internal injury. Neither of us were at fault. We both had things that need to be taken care of. Keep me up dated as to your progress. Rose

Post Edited (esoR) : 2/12/2012 11:44:29 AM (GMT-7)

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