Posted 2/12/2012 11:35 PM (GMT -7)
Sorry for the length but I need to let out what is bottled up inside.
For the first time in my life I can say I do not know what to do. I am very depressed, I am 20 years old, married and we have one child who will be 7 months tomorrow. All my life I have been very busy in sports or working, well when I met my husband I got screwed over in my job and wasn't working and I am still unemployed. That set made me unhappy, but I didn't look for work because I am in college and I was focusing on school. So being a hyper person I have no outlet for my energy to go to, so it turned into anger, I took it out on the best thing that has ever/will ever happen to me (my husband) over two years later we are still together but I no I am pushing him away, I am being very mean to him. Currently I don't know If I want to be with him because I am depressed. I have always been a loner, in elementary no one wanted to be my friend because I was different, in junior high I had friends and in high school I had friends, I am only currently friends with one person. I lost all of my friends, I feel very lonely. My husband is in the Air Force so I really only get to spend time with him on the weekends, so during the week it is just my daughter and I. I most of my friends when I married him, and the rest when I got pregnant. I do not let people get close to me because my two best friends in the whole world screwed me over big time, but I do hang out I just don't let them fully in if that makes sense. Every time I would get on Facebook and see pictures people posted of them having fun, out of town/country, at the lake, party..etc I would/still do get very depressed because I feel that I could be doing all of that if I didn't get married. I blame my husband, when in all actuality it is my fault. So I deleted my facebook, I started to feel a little happier, I started to go out and do things with my daughter, well for the past week I have been very very depressed, I look in the mirror and I tell myself how ugly I am now, how my body is disgusting (my whole stomach is full of stretch marks and when I wear a swimsuit that is the first think people look at are my stretch marks) how fat I am now, because I can't loose this baby weight. Since I have had my daughter I have had my period straight I have told my doctors and they don't do anything so now I am going to go to a new dr. I feel this is a reason why I am depressed. I beat myself up all the time (not physically) So today I was feeling extremely depressed, so I reactivated my facebook saw how a fun time everyone has been having and got mad lashed out on husband and I deleted my facebook. I feel so stupid for writing this. I don't want my daughter to see my like this. I have no one to talk to, so I had to let it out. Also two weeks ago I had a chest x-ray and they found something so I have an MRI this month. I am upset about that, I think about it ever day. I also do not no what I want to be when I get older and I friends with someone who is about to start med school, so it sucks it leaves me lost and confused. All I do is sit home all day and think and think and think, I try to go things with my daughter but I am still not making friends but at least my daughter is =].
sorry that this is very jumbled I suck at writing. Am I over reacting? Should I try to rekindle some friendships? It is just hard to hang out with people who do not have kids.