Tough past 2 years.

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New Member

Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 2/15/2012 1:14 PM (GMT -6)   
I found this site about two years ago while looking up depression. I posted once. about
my childhood. I always ment to check in regularly, but.... every day I'd think "Tomorrow. I'll go on tomorrw."
After a while the only reminder I had was the occasional e-mail, but even that was scarce. I miss following through.
I'm beginning to hate the internet. Well, I'm beginning to hate everything now (except my daughter).
I feel like I'm in a black hole. A black hole I've been trapped in my entire life. For as long as
I can remember. Always feeling one way, but having to portray other, more positive, feelings. I can barely remember a time
I was truely and entirely happy. Even in this memory, the happiness only lasted a few minutes. I miss feeling wanted. I would go for
I miss being loved, but seeing Ali's face light up the second she see's my face..... it's the best feeling you can imagine (and if you
have kids you know what I'm talking about). I miss feeling loved by my husband.
A little about myself. I'm 18. I have a daughter and husband. I've been married for about six months. Shortly after my husband and I got married
I went into labor and had our baby girl. By shortly after we got married, I mean two hours later. She was in the hospital for four weeks.
Durning the four weeks, my husband and I were basicly homeless. We stayed at a charity home for a few days. We stayed at my grandparents for about
a week then we moved in to my MIL's for several months. We got evicted in early January and are now living with roomates that we had to find
over Craigslist (can you say scary!). Luckily they are very nice and haven't given us any trouble. At least we're not next to homeless anymore.
I work for my mom watching her two youngest (if you read my first post you'll notice my middle sister is mentioned). I get $1000 a month and $450
 goes to rent. The rest goes to my daughter and gas. My husband may or may not have a job. Last week he started his job working in Custodial Services.
He might get layed off today. Lastly, I miss sleep.
I can't remember the last time my husband and I weren't fighting. I can't remember the last time he wasn't mad at me for something.
I can't remember the last time I got a full nights sleep or the last time I wasn't frustrated or the last time I went a day without crying or
hurting or pretending or ready to give up (not on life just everything else). I can honestly say I'm NOT suicidal. I don't want to die, I just want
to be a better and happier person for my husband and daughter. I want to take my G.E.D. I want to go to college. I want to make something of myself. I just
don't know where to start. I miss being happy.
I still have more to say. I just don't really know how to say it. I feel like I'm at the sad part of a love story. You know, when the boy leaves the girl
and she's heart broken. She's all torn up and doesn't know what to do with herself. She wants to move on, but she can't seem too. But.... what love
story am I stuck in? The one where she can't possibly move on and the boy comes back in the end? Or the one where she's forced to move
on? Either way, she never really moves on does she? She still misses what she used to have with the boy. What if..... what if I'm in the one without a
happy ending? What if I'm in the one with the disappointing ending? The one where she knows she could never be with anyone else, but the boy doesn't come
back. I miss being in control.
Males: You know your wife can't read your mind right? We won't know why you're mad if you don't tell us. We don't know why you're stressed if you don't talk
to us.
Women: Did you know we're not always right? We can be wrong and... it's ok to say "Hey babe, I was wrong."
My heart feels shattered in my chest.
My eyes feel dry.
My lungs struggle for breath.
My brain feels dysfunctional.

Everyday is a struggle. I want to change that. I will be happy again. It just might take a little time. But I WON'T give up.

Post Edited (alicefrosting) : 2/15/2012 12:36:03 PM (GMT-7)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 2/15/2012 2:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Alice,

I think that the place to start would be to get your ged. You can take some online classes after that. I highly recommend counseling too to get a place to start. Do you get medicaid? They will pay for counseling.

But a counselor will guide you and help you along. What is it that you would go to college for? What is it that you are interested in? I think you have a very good idea and that you will go far with your studies.

Try not to guess what is on your husband's mind. Try to take it one day at a time. We often perceive the worst when the other person isn't thinking that. So just go with what you know, not what you assume.

I hope that you check back this time. The site wont send you emails about posts unless you check the box.

I hope that you are feeling better. Keep in touch.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

New Member

Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 2/16/2012 9:34 AM (GMT -6)   
Update anyone? It's not gonna be pretty.
My husband and I are getting a divorce. So much for him wanting to spend
the rest of his life with me. Last night we got into this big fight about nothing in paticular
and he said he wanted a divorce. This morning after dropping me off at work, he went home to
pack. Not without reminding me to change my name on FB of course.
I'm the one with a stable income. I'm the one that takes care of her 24/7. I feed her. I bathe her. I
change her diaper. I put her to bed. I worry about her. I comfort her. He wants full custody. After
telling our roommate I peer pressured him into having a kid he didn't want.
I'm not in pain. I'm not heart-broken. After all how do you break a heart that you
failed to heal the first 1 million times you broke it. But I'm still crying. I think it's
because I know I'm SUPPOSED to be in pain. On one hand I know I'll be happier without
him, but I still love him..... and it feels weird to say that. To say I love him feels so different.
I'm still going to get counseling, I still think it will help.
Looking back at my post from yesterday, I realize I knew this day was coming and coming fast.
I realize, maybe it's better this way. I've known for along time that he didn't love me, no matter
how many times he said he did.
I realized, in the past 48 hours, I've had 2 hours of sleep.
I'm writing my own love story. In the end, the boy loses the girl. The girl is happy with
the new boy in her life and she doesn't give the old boy another thought. She gets over him and he's left trying
to figure out what to do with himself now that he just messed up the best thing that had ever happened to him.
Not the girl, but his relationship with his child.
Everyday is a struggle. I want to change that. I will be happy again. It just might take a little time. But I WON'T give up.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 2/16/2012 10:10 AM (GMT -6)   
I hope that you feel better...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

New Member

Date Joined Feb 2012
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 2/16/2012 11:56 AM (GMT -6)   
I feel like I can't help myself... to me it sounds like you need to work on things that build your self worth, understanding our own value as people has a lot to do with who we welcome into our lives. Expectations of ourselves and those we share our lives with should be realistic and fair... and if you're busy building a love story in your head, it's hard to be happy and satisfied with what's happening in your life if it's falling short of the fantasy... being in your own head too much can be bad for your health. Let life happen, try and live in the moment and experience the here and now, the good and the bad. It's wonderful to have goals and a path you want to follow but one of the greatest coping skills a person can have is flexibility, the ability to take a hit and get back up.

I'm so sorry you are going through so much right now, I know in this moment you probably feel overwhelmed, I wish I could carry some of the burden for you. I do know the weight of being a young mother and provider, so I'm sending lotsa a love your way and hoping you can feel it surround you. There are no rules that go say you need to feel a certain way, try to treat yourself like a you would a friend, give yourself all the love, kindness, understanding, and patience you would give to someone close to you. Big hugs to you, Jen

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 2/16/2012 7:10 PM (GMT -6)   
You are a strong smart young woman....this divorce literally gives you a chance to start over. How about a story of a girl who is so confident and strrong, she and her daughter don't need a man around for awhile.

I recommend GED but also possibly seeing a counselor who will not judge or guilt trip you, and possibly meds.

I know some days, my daughter is the ONLY reason I get out of bed. You sound like a good Mom, soconcentrate on her and you.

You are so young and that is a lot of weight on your shoulders but I believe you can find your very own life again. Believe in yourself-you say it yourself in your will get thru this

Keep posting and wwelcome to the forum.

"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

seroquel, hydrocodone clonazepam norvasc multi vitamin and magnesium
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