I found this site about two years ago while looking up depression. I posted once. about
my childhood. I always ment to check in regularly, but.... every day I'd think "Tomorrow. I'll go on tomorrw."
After a while the only reminder I had was the occasional e-mail, but even that was scarce. I miss following through.
I'm beginning to hate the internet. Well, I'm beginning to hate everything now (except my daughter).
I feel like I'm in a black hole. A black hole I've been trapped in my entire life. For as long as
I can remember. Always feeling one way, but having to portray other, more positive, feelings. I can barely remember a time
I was truely and entirely happy. Even in this memory, the happiness only lasted a few minutes. I miss feeling wanted. I would go for
I miss being loved, but seeing Ali's face light up the second she see's my face..... it's the best feeling you can imagine (and if you
have kids you know what I'm talking about). I miss feeling loved by my husband.
A little about myself. I'm 18. I have a daughter and husband. I've been married for about six months. Shortly after my husband and I got married
I went into labor and had our baby girl. By shortly after we got married, I mean two hours later. She was in the hospital for four weeks.
Durning the four weeks, my husband and I were basicly homeless. We stayed at a charity home for a few days. We stayed at my grandparents for about
a week then we moved in to my MIL's for several months. We got evicted in early January and are now living with roomates that we had to find
over Craigslist (can you say scary!). Luckily they are very nice and haven't given us any trouble. At least we're not next to homeless anymore.
I work for my mom watching her two youngest (if you read my first post you'll notice my middle sister is mentioned). I get $1000 a month and $450
goes to rent. The rest goes to my daughter and gas. My husband may or may not have a job. Last week he started his job working in Custodial Services.
He might get layed off today. Lastly, I miss sleep.
I can't remember the last time my husband and I weren't fighting. I can't remember the last time he wasn't mad at me for something.
I can't remember the last time I got a full nights sleep or the last time I wasn't frustrated or the last time I went a day without crying or
hurting or pretending or ready to give up (not on life just everything else). I can honestly say I'm NOT suicidal. I don't want to die, I just want
to be a better and happier person for my husband and daughter. I want to take my G.E.D. I want to go to college. I want to make something of myself. I just
don't know where to start. I miss being happy.
I still have more to say. I just don't really know how to say it. I feel like I'm at the sad part of a love story. You know, when the boy leaves the girl
and she's heart broken. She's all torn up and doesn't know what to do with herself. She wants to move on, but she can't seem too. But.... what love
story am I stuck in? The one where she can't possibly move on and the boy comes back in the end? Or the one where she's forced to move
on? Either way, she never really moves on does she? She still misses what she used to have with the boy. What if..... what if I'm in the one without a
happy ending? What if I'm in the one with the disappointing ending? The one where she knows she could never be with anyone else, but the boy doesn't come
back. I miss being in control.
Males: You know your wife can't read your mind right? We won't know why you're mad if you don't tell us. We don't know why you're stressed if you don't talk
Women: Did you know we're not always right? We can be wrong and... it's ok to say "Hey babe, I was wrong."
My heart feels shattered in my chest.
My eyes feel dry.
My lungs struggle for breath.
My brain feels dysfunctional.
Everyday is a struggle. I want to change that. I will be happy again. It just might take a little time. But I WON'T give up.