this is going to be a little long so please bear with me for a while
when I was in elementary school I was always at the top of my class, liked by almost everyone and good at almost everything an elementary student could do so I grew up thinking that I'm the best, maybe also because I live in a particularly small city.
I am now in my last year of middle school and my parents had always have high hopes on me and I always tried my best to never disappoint them. I love my parents so much, they're the best things that had, is and will happen to me. Lately, my family's financial condition isn't good, so my parents have to work very hard to have enough money for our living, my highschool entrance and my sister's college entrance. They never complain about
anything, always hide the financial problems our family is going through, but I know because they usually talk about
it in the middle of the night and I eavesdropped from my bedroom.
Recently, I was in the National Science Olympiad. I studied night and day, I tried so hard but maybe not my best because I didn't score any medal. I was extremely sad, because I knew I disappointed my parents, I knew that I had just lost the chance to get a scholarship to help my parent's pay for my highschool. They said it's okay, that I have tried my best, but that only made me feel worse because they're still too nice to me even after I fail.
I just want to be the best, to make my parents proud of me again, to achieve more, to make more out of my life. I feel like my life is such a waste of time. I am surrounded by kind, loving, forgiving, caring people around me, but I know I don't deserve them. I don't know why God gave me those people, I just don't deserve them. They make me happy, but I can't make them happy no matter how hard I try.
I push people away not because I think they don't understand me, it's because I would feel like they're too good to talk or to even know me. I know I will always feel worthless like this until I achieve something great that would make my family proud of me again.
So, I just want to know if there are people with problems like me, I need someone to talk too
Thankyou for the answer