Posted 2/21/2012 8:15 PM (GMT -7)
I am 17 and though I have never been diagnosed with any form of depression, I see a homeopathic counselor. It all started back in Eighth grade. The second half of that year, was a steady down spiral. I couldn't bring myself to go to school, I had to be put on homebound, and I was constantly lethargic and depressed and had some major stomach issues. Naturally, at the time, I didn't even realize that I was depressed...but it makes sense. I was holed up in my house with all my stomach and bowel pain and rarely got out because I didn't feel like it. As time went on, nothing really changed. My doctor at the time had no idea what was wrong with me except to tell me that I had IBS...which wasn't any help at all. After a while, they decided I needed to go to St. Louis, MO to the children's hospital to be checked out where, guess what, they told me I had IBS. So, then, we were still lost and my mood and pain did not improve at all.
Finally, through one of my little brother's friend's mom, I met my now doctor. She figured out that I had major problems digesting sugar and carbs, and she could give me a list of all the food that I probably shouldn't eat along with other issues I won't go into. Needless to say, she worked. At each visit we sit down and she reads my journal, talk about it, and she does an examine on me. But that isn't why I decided to post this. I decided to post this because I feel like I am falling into a never-ending pit and there is no way out. I just don't care about anything anymore. I have seemingly random bouts of crying and often feel like I just want to cry. For me, right now is either cry or feel nothing, and I am starting to go back to that dark place. I don't want to...I just don't know how to stop myself. I don't think my depression, anxiety, whatever you want to call it, ever went away. I think I have always had it...just in different degrees. And, right now I am trying not to cry so I can at least finish this post.
The main reason, I guess, that I posted this is so I can get it off my chest and have someone know...even if we don't know one another. I keep wanting to tell someone, but I don't want to bug them or burden them (another problem of mine). I know it sounds crazy, and I know I should, but, every time I gather the courage and think I will, when it comes time to, I don't. I don't know what to say to make them understand. I wrote something today about what I have been going through lately (more like the past couple of months) and I don't know if it would help or make it worse to show it to them. And I can't decide who to tell first or how to even tell them. I guess I should probably end this post now as it is all ready quite long, so bye.