I am 16 and have been experiencing depression since the age of 11, but only got in to treatment for it a year ago. For the first few months of therapy I did well; took my meds, went to counselling every week... and after finding the right antidepressant, things began to get better.
But I have a tendency to be very reckless and impulsive, and find it hard to resist doing destructive things. I feel like I deserve to be punished. My mood swings up and down very regularly and sometimes I feel out of control. I have overdosed quite a few times on my prescription meds and a couple of months ago I stopped attending counselling and stopped taking my meds altogether. Since quitting therapy, I have also dropped out of school and have just been lying in bed literally all day. My psych has tried to get me to go back in to therapy but has since given up and stopped making appointments. I guess you can say I relapsed back in to a very deep depression.
A few days I overdosed again and got severely ill, and now I know that I can't go on like this. I know I need to get back into recovery, but I am so worried that I will do something stupid, relapse and waste everyones time again. You may say that perhaps my meds weren't right for me the first time, but they were. I was actually getting better - but I felt like I didn't deserve to get better or to feel happiness. That's one of the reasons I stopped taking them.
If I do start going to therapy and taking my meds again, how can I cope better with the idea of recovery? I find it very hard to stay stable and I was wondering if anyone else felt this way while in recovery, and if there's anything I can do to prevent relapsing again.
Thank you for any replies, they are much appreciated!