Posted 2/26/2012 6:07 PM (GMT -7)
Thank you everyone for listening to me. I really need it right now.
My boyfriend and I live about 13 miles apart, but it takes about an hour door-to-door on the bus. It's hard to see each other during the week. There is definitely no talk of us moving in together, and I feel like he's the only reason I would move closer. And that's not a good reason. I really am trying to live my life for myself, but I'm afraid I'm not. Even though he ended up coming over last night, I thought about what would happen if we broke up. I would have no reason to live here. I'm so far away from my family (the other side of the country), and he's the only reason I haven't given up and gone running back home. If he moved away or broke up with me, I would have nothing. Even writing that is scary, but it's how I feel.
I'm sorry for complaining. I know I should join a group or something - the problem is I'm not interested in anything. I'm having trouble doing even the most simple things (e.g. eating, bathing, getting to work on time). I do all these things, but it's really hard and I feel like it shouldn't be. I should want to make myself dinner, but it's so depressing cooking for one person. I always end up eating junk food. I've gained a bunch of weight too, which really doesn't help anything. I hate my clothes because nothing fits. I feel like nothing is going right. I put on such a facade when my boyfriend is here that I feel like he doesn't really know what my week looks like. I clean like crazy before he comes over, I get groceries, we cook dinner... it seems like I have everything together but I really don't. I'm living in hell. I don't do anything. Ever. I just work and watch too much TV. I try to read books, but I can't focus long enough. I also live in a tiny studio apartment, so the only place to sit is my bed, really. It's depressing. I just moved here in November, and I've moved twice since coming here a year ago. I feel like I can't ask my family to help me move again. It wouldn't be fair, because I never talk to them. I don't talk to them because I'm depressed and I don't want everyone to know how much I hurt inside. I can't help thinking that life would be so much easier with a partner. I talk to him practically every day on the phone, so I know I can't complain, but I really wish things were more adult. I wish I had stability and I could know that he wasn't going anywhere, but I don't know that. He could leave me at any time and I would be even more alone.
I can't get off the work-eat-sleep-work treadmill. I don't even eat that regularly and I don't sleep well, so I don't even know what kind of treadmill I'm on. But it's not a fun one. I keep thinking I should go back to school, and every day that I don't make a plan I get more depressed. I'm so anxious all the time. How hard is it to go to the store and I can't even make myself do that? Even when I do cook, I'm too anxious to eat. Boyfriend and I cook breakfast in the morning, but I never eat all of it because I'm anxious. I know he has to leave and on some level I'm already depressed about it, even when he's still here. I think part of me feels like he's leaving because of me. If I were better, he would stay. I know tomorrow's Monday and he has to go home, but - I don't know. Logically I know that it's not that long until I see him again next Friday or Saturday (most likely Saturday because I can't cancel another appointment with my psychiatrist Saturday morning), but it feels like forever.
Speaking of psychiatrists, why can't I ever remember on Saturday mornings that I'm going to feel this terrible the next day? I feel like I never get to the root of my problems in therapy because I'm fine on Saturday mornings. I'm about to see my boyfriend, so it's the only time during the week I'm not sad. Not really a great representation of the way things really are. Maybe I should write something down. Maybe I should read him this. I feel so awful.
This is one place I feel like I can vent all this stuff without anyone judging me, so thank you all for that. It really means a lot to me that someone is listening...
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."