Lonely and Jealous ≠ A Good Combo...

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BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 2/25/2012 4:56 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm lonely. Really lonely. I moved to this city almost exactly a year ago, and I don't have anything to show for it. I have a dead-end job, no friends, and a boyfriend I only get to see on weekends. I realized today that when he's busy on the weekends, I have no one else to hang out with and nothing to do. I'm feeling really lonely. The plan was for my boyfriend to call me when he was done with work, so I'm trying really hard to distract myself and not bug him. It's really hard.

The jealousy kicked in when I talked to an old friend (who lives on the other side of the country) this afternoon. She told me she's moving to a different city with her boyfriend. I wish I had that. Now I'm lonely and jealous and generally crabby and I don't know what to do. I don't like the all I do is go to work, eat, sleep and repeat. I am barely able to that, sometimes, because I'm so depressed.

I cancelled my psych appointment today because I thought I would be hanging out with boyfriend. I realize now how stupid this was, because I'm FREAKING OUT and it's my own fault I have no one to talk to about it. I got out of my house to go to the library. I tried to force myself to go for a walk, but I ended up just coming back to my apartment. What is wrong with me?! I've been on Wellbutrin and Abilify for long enough that I should feel at least a little bit better, and I don't. No meds have ever helped, and I feel like I'm just going to be in a constant state of bleh for the rest of my life...

I'm really lonely.

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 2/25/2012 5:16 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi, Blue Moon 878, your medications might need to be "tweaked" somewhat. Missing your psychiatric appointment was not beneficial, as you recognize. You need those appointments to talk about what's happening with you and the jealousy. That needs to be resolved for you to feel your best.

Keep working with your doctor; read something on the subject of jealousy and see if that helps you understand why you feel that. It's closely related to envy and that you definitely don't want in your life.

Envy is resentment that somebody else has what you want or don't have. We have to learn to strive for what we want, and let other people have what they want. The expression "live and let live" applies in these situations.

You are important and what you want and need are also very important in your life, but you have to work for them. Very few people have it handed to them on a silver platter. We all work for something that we really want, truthfully.

Keep up your good psychiatric work and do some research on the things you feel are bothering you emotionally.

You will get better if you listen to your psychiatrist--provided he's a good one. You might benefit from some involvement with other people, say in child care at church if you like children or in attending a Sunday School class in the church of your denomination. Good people help build a sense of security.

Take care.

It's Genetic

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 2/25/2012 6:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi there,

You should be living your life for you, not for your boyfriend. Make up a schedule for yourself on the weekend and if you don't see him, you will still have something to do. If you do see him, well, that is all the more better. Live your life for you, not lieing on the assumption of whether or not he is going to be in the picture.

I guess it is hard if you only see eachother on the weekend. It is only natural that you would want to be with him. I guess I think you need a plan B for the times that it doesn't work out. I imagine that is what you were trying to acheive.

Jealousy, the green eyed monster... It can drive us crazy... I think IG has a good idea to get a book on jealousy, find out what it is within you that is making you feel this way. Is there any plans for the future of you two living together? Or moving closer to eachother? What is keeping you apart? Is it your job? It seems like you have been struggling with this for awhile now. The fact that you live far apart that is. What is the distance?

Back to the jealousy... Try to be happy for others who are together. I know it stinks. But do the best that you can. Work on it, talk to your pdoc about it. Or your counselor, whichever you see. It is a lousy way to feel. Try to avoid it. And it can make us do stupid things. So keep a wrap on it and learn more about it. I am glad that you posted, I know, I am all over the place today, that is just how my mind is. I am doing the best that I can anyway... Got a med change coming up. I am looking forward to that.

Keep on keeping on...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Abby3
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2012
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 2/26/2012 10:19 AM (GMT -6)   
Getting out to be around people is hard when you're depressed but I think it's worth the effort (speaking from experience). It's great that you got to the library. That's a good place to start. Maybe you could go there once a week when they're open after work and sit and read a magazine there or a book - just to get out. Or take a class or join a group in something that you're interested in, for example yoga, craft group, book discussion group, whatever. Something in the evening after work to do so that you aren't just on the "work-eat-sleep-work" treadmill.

take care
carol

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 2/26/2012 8:07 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you everyone for listening to me. I really need it right now.

My boyfriend and I live about 13 miles apart, but it takes about an hour door-to-door on the bus. It's hard to see each other during the week. There is definitely no talk of us moving in together, and I feel like he's the only reason I would move closer. And that's not a good reason. I really am trying to live my life for myself, but I'm afraid I'm not. Even though he ended up coming over last night, I thought about what would happen if we broke up. I would have no reason to live here. I'm so far away from my family (the other side of the country), and he's the only reason I haven't given up and gone running back home. If he moved away or broke up with me, I would have nothing. Even writing that is scary, but it's how I feel.

I'm sorry for complaining. I know I should join a group or something - the problem is I'm not interested in anything. I'm having trouble doing even the most simple things (e.g. eating, bathing, getting to work on time). I do all these things, but it's really hard and I feel like it shouldn't be. I should want to make myself dinner, but it's so depressing cooking for one person. I always end up eating junk food. I've gained a bunch of weight too, which really doesn't help anything. I hate my clothes because nothing fits. I feel like nothing is going right. I put on such a facade when my boyfriend is here that I feel like he doesn't really know what my week looks like. I clean like crazy before he comes over, I get groceries, we cook dinner... it seems like I have everything together but I really don't. I'm living in hell. I don't do anything. Ever. I just work and watch too much TV. I try to read books, but I can't focus long enough. I also live in a tiny studio apartment, so the only place to sit is my bed, really. It's depressing. I just moved here in November, and I've moved twice since coming here a year ago. I feel like I can't ask my family to help me move again. It wouldn't be fair, because I never talk to them. I don't talk to them because I'm depressed and I don't want everyone to know how much I hurt inside. I can't help thinking that life would be so much easier with a partner. I talk to him practically every day on the phone, so I know I can't complain, but I really wish things were more adult. I wish I had stability and I could know that he wasn't going anywhere, but I don't know that. He could leave me at any time and I would be even more alone.

I can't get off the work-eat-sleep-work treadmill. I don't even eat that regularly and I don't sleep well, so I don't even know what kind of treadmill I'm on. But it's not a fun one. I keep thinking I should go back to school, and every day that I don't make a plan I get more depressed. I'm so anxious all the time. How hard is it to go to the store and I can't even make myself do that? Even when I do cook, I'm too anxious to eat. Boyfriend and I cook breakfast in the morning, but I never eat all of it because I'm anxious. I know he has to leave and on some level I'm already depressed about it, even when he's still here. I think part of me feels like he's leaving because of me. If I were better, he would stay. I know tomorrow's Monday and he has to go home, but - I don't know. Logically I know that it's not that long until I see him again next Friday or Saturday (most likely Saturday because I can't cancel another appointment with my psychiatrist Saturday morning), but it feels like forever.

Speaking of psychiatrists, why can't I ever remember on Saturday mornings that I'm going to feel this terrible the next day? I feel like I never get to the root of my problems in therapy because I'm fine on Saturday mornings. I'm about to see my boyfriend, so it's the only time during the week I'm not sad. Not really a great representation of the way things really are. Maybe I should write something down. Maybe I should read him this. I feel so awful.

This is one place I feel like I can vent all this stuff without anyone judging me, so thank you all for that. It really means a lot to me that someone is listening...
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 2/27/2012 9:20 AM (GMT -6)   
I thik you need to liearn to live in the moment. This sounds like anxiety creeping in. Basically it would help you to enjoy the time you are with him, and not worry about him leaving. It is hard to start living in the moment, but with practice, you could do that. Talk to your psychiatrist, they will help you learn to live in the now. I really think that is the problem, but I could be wrong. The anxiety is getting you to worry too much. One day at a time. That is the best we all can do. Stop being so hard on yourself. Relax...

Hugs, Karen

PS You may want to learn some meditation. It really helps.
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 2/27/2012 9:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks, Karen.

I think you're right about living in the moment. That was a big theme in DBT that I really struggled with. I am going to start taking things a day at a time. Or at least I'm going to try. Thank for your kind words and support. It really means a lot to me that someone is listening...

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 2/27/2012 4:08 PM (GMT -6)   
It was a struggle for me too. But it can be done. Just takes constant awareness and practice. Being you have tried it before should help you along.

Good luck, Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

beagleman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 227
   Posted 2/29/2012 3:41 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello Bluemoon, loneliness was the big theme for my depression, I really know where you are coming from. After a lot of distress, sadness, absoulute no hope i eventually got a relationship and joined a church and now have some friends. You just sound lonely, in my case zero self esteem, self hate, total despair. My point is I was able to keep going despite hopelessness. You need friends, i know this is hard because this is what my psychologist told me 12 months ago and it took over 12 months to get a friend. By far the biggest sucess was at my local church which I joined only 6 weeks ago. If it helps you, log on anytime, we are all firends here, Karen helped me so much.
Stephen
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