I urgently need some relationship advice

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vdogg
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 2/29/2012 10:51 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi everyone,

I used to come on here all the time but took a little break. I really need some relationship advice. I'm 27 but this is my first boyfriend and although I'm getting older, I'm really inexperienced.
Anyway, back in July '11, I started dating this guy who I met through my sister. Everything was fine for the first part of the relationship and then in Sept, he gets really drunk one night and has a very sexual conversation online with this mutual friend of ours. He even went so far as to proposition her saying he would like to do certain things to her but doesn't make any mention of meeting up or anything. This was the first time they actually talked and the main reason he even started talking to her is to explain that it wasn't him on his account the night before(my brother came to visit and started writing these funny things to the girl through status updates on my boyfriends account) Before that, we all would play softball over the summer, but their friendship was strictly platonic and they were more like acquaintances. So the next day after he talks to her, he tells me about the conversation, mostly about what she told him but leaves out certain things he told her and so I asked if I could read it. He refuses to show me and says he didn't say anything inappropriate to her and I should just trust his word. I let it go but throughout the next few months, he randomly brings her name up in conversations, even once when we were making out. I then gave him an ultimatum that if he doesn't show me, I was going to break it off with him. He then says we shouldn't let something petty like this ruin what we have. I pretended that I was fine but couldn't take it anymore so I decided to hack into his facebook account. I read the conversation and it gave me an ulcer, which left me sick for days. I confessed to him the next day that I had hacked and instead of getting mad, he gives me his password so that there wouldn't be any more trust issues. I apologized for hacking and explained that he was acting suspicious and I didn't want to be made into a fool so I had to read it. He understood and then explained he only propositioned her so she wouldn't think he's gay. I for some reason believed him and so we moved on. So a few more months pass and we get to talking about the future and how he would never cheat on me again. I was taken back because I wasn't sure what he was talking about. He then said that he "sort of had a cheating conversation" but it was only a one time thing and only did it because he was unsure of the relationship at the time. I asked him why he didn't just break up with me instead of flirting with another woman. His answer was that it was just a fleeting moment caused by an over excessive amount of alcohol use. He then tells me I was the only woman he was into and that since the incident, his feelings for me have grown much stronger. So last week, we get to talking about different things and the "sexual conversation" gets brought up again. He confesses that he was flirting with the girl because at the time, he had a small crush on her and thought she was interesting. This hurt my feelings really bad and even gave me another ulcer. A few days later, he then said "crush" was the wrong term and that it was more of a fantasy because he claims he would never actually have sex with her. He was just tempted in that one moment to flirt since he was drunk. I told him months prior after I read the conversation that I would forgive him as long as it doesn't happen again(which it hasn't). He also has cut back on his alcohol intake so to prevent anymore situations like this from arising. However, I'm still having a hard time letting this go. I want to move on from this but every time I log into facebook, I see the girl's name and I'm reminded of it all over again. I don't want to defriend her because she didn't really flirt back with him. It's been 7 months and it still bothers me. Do yall think this is considered cheating? Back when I was single, I told myself I would never let a man cheat on me. However, I didn't even consider this cheating but he seems to think so. What should I do? Please everyone. I need all the advice I can get.

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 2/29/2012 12:29 PM (GMT -6)   
The biggest problem you have is his drinking. That is causing problems for him in his life, and it isn't likely to get better unless he gets help from medical practitioners or from a group such as Alcoholics Anonymous. At best, you have a shaky relationship that gives you no real security. 

Some people, you know, are not helpful in one's life.  Please take care of yourself now and try to improve the quality of your life by associating with healthier, happier people who are interested in helping you live a life that offers security and friendship.

This is not what you want to hear; but in the long run, it's something that you will be glad you took care of for your future happiness. These relationships don't often go anywhere in terms of improving your life or your emotional state.

Take care of yourself now and try to stop worrying about his problems. "Tough love" needs to be applied, and that isn't easy to do in your young life. Keep trying, please, to improve your friendships for your best emotional health.

I.G.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 2/29/2012 10:38:26 AM (GMT-7)


vdogg
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 2/29/2012 1:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for the input but I'm not going to break up with him unless he actually physically cheats. If every couple broke up because a significant other flirted, half of the couples in the world would no longer exist. I don't want to give up so easily especially when my feelings for him have grown just as strong. I mainly just need advice on how to handle the situation(sans breaking up.) Delete the friend from my list? Ask him to delete her? He actually did at one point on his own but she added him back, because she actually is a nice person. We've had a few conversations ourselves so I don't really want to delete her. I'm in a rut. The more I talk to him and hang out with him, the better I feel but it's when we are apart that I feel insecure. At the beginning of our relationship, I didn't really express my feelings toward him because this was all so new to me and I would barely even kiss him(I had never kissed anyone before him) so maybe he felt like his needs weren't being met and since the girl did give him a little bit of attention, maybe that's why he was drawn to her. Either way, I am not putting all the blame on him so I won't give up just yet. We have a pretty open relationship and this is really the only problem we've had thus far. Ever since I've read the conversation between the two, I've actually felt much closer to him so while it may seem like a curse, maybe it's a blessing as well.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 2/29/2012 1:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi there,

I think IG is right about the problem with the alcohol. That is the only time he does things that aren't really appropriate for your relationship. So I would focus on that and try to let the other go if you want to continue the relationship. I told myself once, if the relationship was meant to be, it would be. Being insecure and maybe a little jealous can ruin a relationship. So try to put this situation behind you and move on. But if the alcohol becomes a problem again, I would be concerned. It sounds like you really want to make this relationship work. I suggest you work on yourself and being happy and your self esteem, let the rest fall into place. Take it one day at a time. Each day is a new beginning for you.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

vdogg
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 2/29/2012 3:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for the advice. I think alcohol has played a major part in our problems especially since I don't drink and never have, so I can't understand how "good" it makes him feel. He is doing a lot better though. He says he has cut back 75% since we've started dating and is even taking a 3 month hiatus so hopefully things will start to improve. We just recently had our last(hopefully) fight about his "cheating" convo and for him to describe it as such disturbed me because I see all these other women in my town deal with cheating boyfriends/spouses and I told myself I would never put up with it. He is not a christian but I am so I am trying my best to practice what I preach and forgive him but at the same time I don't want to be made into a fool. Thanks for listening everyone.

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 2/29/2012 3:35 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm not quite sure what you wanted advice on, because you already decided you were going to stay with him... Maybe you just needed to vent that you were bothered by the flirty conversation. I think you are obsessing over possibly being cheated on and honestly, if it's never happened again, what reason do you have to continue fearing your boyfriend will cheat?

No one enjoys looking like a fool, but in the end, you wouldn't be the one that looked foolish should someone cheat on you. I think you should focus more on the bigger picture: the drinking and difference in faith. Is this a man you would spend your whole life with, knowing that he is capable of drinking heavily?

I agree with Karen that you need to focus on yourself and your self esteem. Just because he is your first boyfriend, doesn't mean he has to be the last. Evaluate what you are looking for in a partner. And imagine how annoying it is that this happened months ago and you're still uncomfortable with it, though he hasn't done anything else.

I hope venting helped you and that you will be able to move forward with your relationship.

Courtney

vdogg
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 3/2/2012 9:00 AM (GMT -6)   
Well like I said, he has cut way back on his alcohol intake since we've been dating so I'll give him that and since no other incidents have happened, I'm trying to let this go and move on. It just hurts that he had feelings for another woman, even if it was only temporary(so he says). I guess I should have never hacked into his account but I hated the fact that he was hiding something from me. The odd thing is after I found out, we got a lot closer and our relationship became stronger but for some reason, I still cannot get this out of my head. There are days when I will completely forget about it and others where I obsess over it in my head all day long. Ugggh! Anyway, I guess I just needed to vent because I don't have many friends, especially girls that I can ask for advice on when stuff like this happens. Thanks everyone.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 3/2/2012 9:23 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Vdogg,

I guess this all depends on how important this is to you. If you can let it go, do so. But if you can't, you may need counseling to deal with it. I highly suggest that for you. A counselor can help you get past it or deal with it, whichever you prefer. Maybe even couples counseling would help you two put this behind you.

I hope things get better soon. Keep posting and getting things out, it really helps.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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