I am in emotion-mind, and it's almost like I want to be. I've noticed, lately, this deep willfulness inside me that fights against being my own advocate, my own comfort, my own source of love or validation. Like I WANT to make it worse.
It's so confusing... it seems the best way to describe it is as a schism; two conflicting parts of my personality that I slowly but surely feel becoming more distinct from one another...both so extreme that neither is safe place to be.
One side, that sympathizes for myself so fiercely... it's becoming a part of me that is willing to provide any excuse, if I'm honest with myself, to give in to anything I want. I don't have to go to school... my life has been so hard. I don't have to exercise, my life has been so hard. I don't have to get out of bed, my life has been so hard. I have not admitted to anyone, not even myself, how dangerous or out of control this part is. I can eat anything I want. I can sleep all day, or not sleep at all. I can starve, I can binge. I can ignore my bank account until it's negative hundreds of dollars. I can ignore my room until I can find nothing. I can waste my money until there is none to pay bills, none to buy food. It's all okay, because I deserve a break. When did I start to confuse destruction for self-love so extremely?
The other side... hateful, vengeful, regretful. It thinks I am lazy, wasteful...bad.
They used to be so separate... they become so much more separate, until now they blend together. It's a volatile cocktail I can see, but feel like I am helpless to stop. It says: Stop living, stop trying, because you need to save yourself from suffering... or: you're worthless, you're squandering, you don't deserve a chance.
A week ago... maybe it was two weeks ago (I don't know, time is starting to blend) I was driving to my new babysitting job 45 minutes away in the snowstorm. A job I took, despite I was accepting half of what I should charge... driving so far it wasn't worth the gas, because I guess I just wanted to feel like I was doing something... and I wanted to help the family, who seemed nice and knew no one in the area. I had just decided to give up on the class I was taking this semester... my last four credits I needed to graduate. I'm out of financial aid, and now I'll owe them money and won't even be able to enroll in a class to finish, but somehow I convince myself this doesn't matter now. I'm faced with the realization that my parents are leaving the state, I have nowhere to go, I have no money saved. My relationship with my parents is becoming abusive and painful. So... I cry, from somewhere deep that I'm detached from. I talk to God for the entire car ride.... begging, shamefully (yeah, not shamelessly) for things to get better. Please, help me finish school. Please, make my professor help me. Please, help me find a way to care. Please, help me to feel less alone. Please, please, please. What have I done to deserve God's help but spit in the face of every blessing I've ever had? Squander every opportunity? Care about everyone, honestly, except me.
That night, I found out that the family I was sitting for, who I had given up many better opportunities to be loyal to... was going to replace me because they didn't want to have to commit to the hours they promised me. They accidentally sent my replacement to interview while I was babysitting... humiliating me and the poor girl who I guess had no idea she was taking my job. I didn't know if I was supposed to leave in the middle of the night and leave the kid with this random person... and the mother, I assume embarrassed by her mistake, wouldn't answer my calls. I got a text message from a good friend that my abusive ex-boyfriend had contacted her husband in effort to be friends again.... to gloat about all the money he made, a new girlfriend, all the traveling he's been doing. So I sat there, all night, knowing I lost my job but couldn't leave... worrying that my ex was going to get back into my life, that my friends were going to choose him over me, that he was "winning the breakup", that I was a loser. If he was so bad, why am I the one doing so bad after we're done?
The next day my mother berated me and told me I haven't accomplished anything since highschool, that I haven't tried to change at all, that my ex is doing better than me because I wallow and he lives life. That I should stop taking medication. All of this, and i had just begged for an hour to be saved. Is it a sign?
I try to pick myself up... reach out to a nice guy I knew from high school. Quickly, we get together and he seems dazzled by me. I'm at ease, finally feel something for someone again, feel pretty, wanted, needed. It was going great... then it wasn't. Then I was coming on too strong, scaring him with my past... until he ignored me for an entire day, broke up with me in a text message, and told me he was "mailing me my stuff". I wasn't worth giving a chance to fix whatever I did wrong.
Now I'm here... no job, no boyfriend, worse for wear.... *****ing in a long email people probably don't want to read because it's so freaking depressing.Why did I trust someone? Why did I think someone could handle me? Why did I think things were going to get better? Why am I even here?