If you have not already, please get professional help. I know it is difficult to motivate yourself to do so when you are feeling so down. Reaching out here is a good start, but it sounds to me as if more is needed than we can offer here. I am not saying don't come back, just saying to add more than just coming here. I can also tell you that when I am in the depths of life's struggles like it sounds like you are, I reallyhave to force myself to get out of bed and do something. Anything. I also know that it is important to reach out to others and I am glad you reached out to us. Take time to see some good in each day and try not to define if it is a good day or a bad day. Days are just days with many minutes and happenings that make them up. There is good in all days. Some more that others, but there is always good there if I look for it. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Good luck!!!
We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.