Posted 3/18/2012 12:06 AM (GMT -7)
This is my first time doing something like. Normally, like for the past several years, I would've kept all this to myself; however, something that happened today pretty much triggered something inside me. And even though I know some people who try their best to give me support, I can't help but lock myself away from them. The reason being: is that a few of them had played a part on how I've come to be today.
I've grown up being taught to never rely on others for help and that I should learn to be strong and do things on my own. But if there is ever anyone who needs a helping a hand, I should never say no. I guess my story starts right before I had graduated high school, when my grandmother suffered a stroke. That incident took a toll on my family and especially on me. I tried my best to not show how sad I was when this happened and after she passed away. My parents were always abroad and my grandmother took care of me like I was her own daughter. When I graduated high school, the economy was already going down hill, so in order to help my parents I went to a community college and after a semester I took on a part time job. During my time in college I tried my best to work hard, but because my parents couldn't afford to put me through school I had to pay for everything myself. Which was alright because I didn't want to burden my parents when I knew about their financial difficulties, and it allowed for me to become independent. However after a while their financial problems grew worse and they turned to me for help. I wanted to help them, and I did. After a while of doing the same thing I had to quit school and work full-time.
A little background note: Years ago my depression got to me. I guess I won't have to go into detail in this subject. Everyone knows what could happen when some one is depressed and they come to a boiling point. My family chose to ignore this no matter how much obvious of a wreck I was. I think they must've thought that if they didn't acknowledge me it would all go away.
I became so worried, constantly worried, about what was going to happen. To me, friends, family--future. I wanted to make it better for everyone. I worked hard to do my best...financially support my family. There were times however, when all I could think about was how come no one else wanted to help? My family turned to me for their financial problems. Finally one day I over heard my parents talking about how the bank possibly taking our home away. They tried their best to save everything. But the people who promised them help, ended up stealing their money. I stayed in that house for almost a year while my parents moved out to fix things. They were trying to sell the house, hoping...So I lived in that house, no furniture except for a fridge, microwave and broken stove. I slept in a sleeping bag. Everything became such a routine for me, that even when some one would find it embarrassing to live that way, I no longer cared. I was grateful; and yet, I felt cheated. Soon things things got worse: the water was turned off, followed by gas, and then the electricity--then the bank eviction notices taped all over the door. I would use the shower in the gym before work, worked really late into the night just so I could stay and sleep for a few hours in that house. I remember sleeping in the living room by the entrance door because I was afraid some one would attack me. With no lights in the house--I couldn't see a thing. The street light was my only source of light...After that night, I finally left. I shuffled my suitcase from my best friends house to my boy friends. But it became to humiliating. To have my best friend, who had known me to be strong, see me worn down. To have the man I loved see me like that as well. And even though I tried hard to pay them in return, I felt like a leach. I had always been so proud of my accomplishment only to fall back down, begging. Where was my family in all this? After a while, one of my siblings agreed to let me stay in the apt. I slept on the floor, in my sleeping bag. I was thankful and I tried to return the favor. After a few weeks I learned that I was going to be kicked out, by my own sibling? I couldn't understand what was happening. I had helped them..paid for a major part of their medical school, wedding and, sickeningly, their divorces, when they ran into trouble, and other expenses. I was sleeping in the corner of the living room, on the floor...My possessions were always in the trunk of my car. Because this particular sibling wanted it as if I wasn't there, I had to always get a change of clothes in my car every day, and make sure that my sleeping bag was rolled up and stored in my car. I became like a robot. I shut myself away from them, continuing to live like this even up until now.
I tried to save up, and at one point I thought it was all going to be alright again. But then I was asked to help financially. My boyfriend tried to tell me I had to finally learn to say no. I couldn't. No matter how hurt I was, they were my family. My savings depleted. I stopped talking to my parents for a little bit. I was sorry to do so but I just needed my mind to get away. In doing so I've ruined my relationship with my friends and family. There are times when there are family and friends functions and I am there, but I am not really there at all. My boyfriend went abroad because his career needed him to go. I supported him but I felt like I was losing my lifeline. I did things that weren't good for my health, but I realized it just wasn't smart. I went cold turkey, and after a while I was happy I quit.
I tried very hard to bring myself back up on my feet. I know there are others out there who are going through worse experiences compared to me, and I am sorry for what you are experiencing and I hope things get better for you. I try to be optimistic in life. That all I have gone through at such a young age will make me grow wiser and mature. Except that--I really am tired. My energy is drained and all I want to do is sleep. I want some one to help me for a change, but because I had been so stubborn trying to do things on my own, I never really knew how to ask. It's such a simple word, but it can create a wonderful or terrible effect on others.
I'm sorry I've ranted...I know no one can really help me, but I just needed to get everything out of my mind. For someone to just listen to me. If you read all this, thank you. If you haven't, well, you wouldn't be reading this very end and it's alright. I hope what ever you're going through, everything will soon get better.