Can someone please confirm my existence?

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No Worries!
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 225
   Posted 3/20/2012 9:01 PM (GMT -6)   
I've been posting replies and advice on several different forums here at HW, especially within the last week and no one acknowledges me. I have CP, Fibromyalgia, depression, bad back and neck plus a bladder disorder! Did I mention major depression? I keep saying how wonderful this website is and how supportive everyone is...then I get SILENCE.

I'm not asking for a pat on the back, but come on already. I check my email when I get a notification someone responded to the post. Then I read replies that don't include me. I'm sorry, I spend my days alone at home in pain. Besides my wife, who works all day, I have no family or friends to spend time with or talk to. I should be embarrassed to complain about this, but it's how I feel...frustrated and as if I don't exist. My physical limitations don't allow me to do the things I once enjoyed and I feel overwhelmed and trapped in a broken body. I can't begin to think of things I enjoy and can do to occupy my time. I can't sit, stand or walk for longer than 20 minutes at a time without severe pain. I have nerve damage in both arms, hands and fingers causing indescribable pain and numbness. I also have low back pain and nerve damage/pain in my left leg. I use a cane to get around, but I may soon be in a wheelchair. I don't know what to do. Why should I continue living like this? What to do? What to do?

I exist, I don't exist, I exist, I don't exist, I exist, I don't exist, I exist................

Is there anyone out there?

AlexanderKnollwood
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2012
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 3/20/2012 9:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Please don't worry about existence. You're here, okay? I know it's hard to fathom that in light of how you feel, but sometimes you have to take solace in the fact that all you'll ever have is now, right here where you are. You sound like a great person and i feel on a minor level that I can definitely relate to your problems. They're not embarrassing or at least half as embarrassing when divided among two people, right? I'll do you one better than the e-mail thing, though. i've noticed that no one ever says bless you to me. And sometimes when i feel a sneeze coming, I try hard to make it sound way more serious of a n issue than it is. And still, the most i'll get is, "oh, man. you sound pretty sick." It's really ridiculous, but you notice a lack of blessings after awhile.

That pithy example aside, it takes a lot of guts to post your problems here, and it's an aspect of your character that can and should be celebrated (especially since it's a risk that nobody will reply). But I'm glad you did because I'm in the same boat. i'm kinda young. But old enough to realize i'm not getting younger. I got high a few nights ago and realized that I was letting a throat condition I have worsen. I just decided not to care. I'm with a girl that I may or may not love and she wants to get married. And i just decided, again, not to care. I'm coughing up blood every other day and, well, I realized that I'm letting myself die.

you can't let yourself get to that point. keep sharing. i know it's hard when there doesn't seem to be any proper comeuppance, but keep going. you do exist and so does the world around you. I'm not a religious man, but I'll risk it in saying that this time we have in this world isn't gonna come back again. make yourself a memory even if it's just a ride or looking through old pictures (doing the latter sometimes makes for tears, but many of the grateful). Make yourself commit to the time you've been given. Don't think too hard about what's bothering you otherwise you're just pushing a microscope closer to a glass window pane on a burning skyscraper, trying to figure out what's going on. take a step back, breathe, and reassess your life. the things you value. the things you don't. the things you'd like to change. the things you can't change. god bless you man, i hope you'll be okay.

AlexanderKnollwood
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2012
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 3/20/2012 9:26 PM (GMT -6)   
I quit doing pot so don't discount me as a hippie trying to save the world, though, k?

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 3/21/2012 4:47 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Done
 
I am so sorry you feel ignored..that is certainly not what we try to do here. We do care about each other and we try to support everyone, so if you ahve fallen thru the cracks, please forgive us.
 
I too suffer from MDD and it is severe right now. It takes every ounce of life I have left to get out of bed and take care of my daughter and husband. I rarely leave the house. I knwo most of it is because my anti-d is not working. Forgive me if you answered this before, but are you on meds and a counselor? I have bad cognitive skills due ti fibro and depression, so I forget alot.
 
Sometimes I read posts but do not have the wherewithal to answer. PLease remember that we are all suffering to one degree or another from a paralyzing condition...
 
Anyway, I just wanted to say you ARE important and we do care. Please hang in and keep posting
 
Take care
Maggie

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20134
   Posted 3/21/2012 5:04 AM (GMT -6)   
we do care,

with healing compassion.

jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42289
   Posted 3/21/2012 5:26 AM (GMT -6)   
Yes, we do all care. Maggie is right, when you are on a forum like this, some people read but do not post due to their own conditions. Same with fibro. Many people are really sick. I don't know if you have posted on chronic pain or not. But that is also a good forum.

Keep posting. Don't give up. And as was posted above, try not to analyze yourself. Just accept who you are and work on that.

Depression is so hard. I see there were only three threads active this morning. But it will pick up throughout the day. And there are also people in different time zones who post at different times. So be patient. And know that you are cared about here.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

No Worries!
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 225
   Posted 3/21/2012 3:31 PM (GMT -6)   
I want to thank everyone for your responses and well wishes.  I knew when I posted this thread that I would get several replies and a ton of support.  I still feel ashamed and weak for saying, "me, me, me".  My whole life has never been about me.  I am THE ROCK...the one others turn to for support.  I give the advise and lend the shoulder.
 
Giving is the easy part...receiving is too difficult!  I'm not strong enough to receive...I feel its not my place.  I am alone all day long with my thoughts.  I am taking wellbutrin and cymbalta for my depression.  I don't feel its helping me.  In fact I decided to stop taking the wellbrutin, because of the side effects.  I'd stop taking the cymbalta too, but it is suppose to be helping me with pain management?  I will probably stop taking it too.  I saw a counselor for one session and got nothing at of it.  I don't need a shoulder to cry on and validation to feel the way I do.  I have to wait for three months to see a Psychologist!  I just feel useless and without direction.  I'm bored and I can't think of anything I can and want to do because of my physical limitations.  I'm lost.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42289
   Posted 3/21/2012 3:48 PM (GMT -6)   
Seeing a counselor once is not enough. I would continue unless you don't feel comfortable with them.

I know it is hard to receive help and to help ourselves, but we have to learn to do that in order to heal. Try and open up to others about how you are feeling. At least until you can see a psychologist. I am glad that you are at least on a waiting list. Are you?

Can you get out for a walk? Our weather has been really nice and I have been walking daily. Today I went twice. It was really nice. I have fibromyalgia, but I started out slow and built myself up. Before I couldn't walk for five minutes, now I go for twenty. Try to get outside and walk or just sit in the sunshine. If you have any. We are suppose to get rain now for three days. We'll see. I want rain for mushroom picking. So I am welcoming it.

I hope that you feel better soon. Keep posting, know that we care.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

No Worries!
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 225
   Posted 3/21/2012 8:39 PM (GMT -6)   
Gettingby,

I don't have anyone to open up to! My wife works all day and has been working overtime everyday to help make up for my lack of income. When she gets home she doesn't want to deal with my issues and I understand. We speak with one another throughout the day, but I keep my depression mainly to myself. My wife has enough stress/worries and besides she shuts me up if I try.

I don't have any friends that live near me. My two friends live too far away and have their own work and family to deal with. I've tried to speak wit them, but they hardly ever return my calls or text messages. If they do, it's short conversations and brief text messages. It's difficult for my to type/text because of the intense pain in my arms, hands and fingers.

As for seeing a counselor, I did see one and she told me there wasn't much she could offer me other than to listen to me. I know I need more help than just a expensive symphathetic ear. I called and tried to get in to see Psychologist about two months ago and they were booked up until May 11, which is my appt. I don't want to go to the ER in order to see a shrink. I would never consent to being 'placed' in a mental institution. If I was forced to go I would lie my arse off like I've been doing for years. Then when they released me I would do what I promised I wouldn't, because I couldn't live with the shame. I'm sorry, but that's how I was raised. Sorry, I've said too much. No need to reply.

Take care!

I have so many medical problems and the side effects from the medicine has caused several more problems. For that reason I am stopping my Wellbutrin. Maybe I'll just lay in bed more often and try to sleep rather than annoying people. That's how I feel, like I'm bothering my "friends" who are far too busy enjoying life and their health, which they often take for granted.

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 3/21/2012 10:26 PM (GMT -6)   
I think what stopped me, "What's Done is Done", is your name which is the line from "Macbeth" right after Lady Macbeth has persuaded her husband to kill Duncan,the king, so that Macbeth might be crowned. With bloody hands, he looks at her and says, "what's done is done and cannot be undone." Now, you shouldn't be reading a tragedy, "What's Done...!" Read one of the comedies of Shakespeare such as "All's Well that Ends Well" or "Comedy of Errors".

Lighten up on your reading because I am assuming that you do as much of that as you can comfortably. It seems to me that there was a man who had serious diagnoses in his life and he made up his mind that he was going to read only humorous stories to give him relief. He wound up curing himself, incidentally. So there's always hope, even if it's the hope of meeting people online who understand and do care.

You've chosen one of the best of writers' works to read, and I hope you will find enjoyment in that. Reading relieves tension for intellectuals, and it's something that will keep you alert.

I'm extremely sorry about the pain. Life isn't fair sometimes, and I
know that you must require strong medication to keep you as comfortable as possible. Stay well hydrated and do rest as much as
you are able.

Keep us informed about how you are.

Good wishes,

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 3/21/2012 10:29:03 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42289
   Posted 3/22/2012 7:12 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi What's done,

I hope that you do see the counselor in May. If you stop your wellbutrin, expect to be a little tired, as it does give us some energy. I wish you wouldn't stop without consulting your doctor. They could help you wean off.

There is a couple of sites that help with depression I will post for you.

http://ecouch.anu.edu.au/welcome

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

I hear that moodgym has helped a lot of people.

I know that living with depression really sucks. And I feel for you suffering the way that you are. I hope May comes soon enough and you feel better soon. Try to stay on the wellbutrin if you can. If there are no bad side effects, I see no reason to go off of it. It may be helping you more than you know.

Keep posting, and do try out moodgym. I have had many members say that it helped them.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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