**Very long post***
Things have not been going real well for me lately and have left me with a nice bout of situational depression.
It has been so long since I have really felt this way that I had forgotten how much it really sucks. This is not to say that I did not know, understand or appreciate how depression makes you feel, but it had gotten to the point that knowing had become more intellectual but right now it is on a very personal level. There is knowing and then there is KNOWING, if you know what I mean.
It hasn't been any one thing but one thing on top of another starting last November.
In November I went to renew my driver's license only to find out that it had been suspended in 2009 for "failure to meet family obligations"..ie child support. This was news to me since while I do owe some back support I have been working with the courts closely since 2008 on this matter and the judge I was dealing with had signed an order saying that I was meeting my obligations. It wasn't the courts that ordered the suspension but rather the state department who manages support payments. Apparently the attorney general's office has failed miserably in forwarding things and of course no one in the support department can take the time time to look into anything. As it stands now I am still trying to get that suspension lifted. I have sent letters, sent copies of court orders, and made a number of phone calls to many state agencies and nothing gets done.
In December my oldest son, who is 21, was released from prison. The original charge that ended up getting him sent away for 2 years was BS and because of that my wife (not his mother) and I agreed to let him live here, under conditions, while he got on his feet. Those conditions included helping me around the house, looking for a job religiously, being home by a certain time, and no drinking or doing drugs. For the first few weeks things were great but by Christmas he started breaking his agreement bit by bit. I warned him, tried to counsel him, etc but by the end of January/first of Feb he was to the point he was breaking every agreement and I also found out he was stealing things from us so I told him to pack his things and get out. He has had problems since he was 5 or 6 and I have always felt like I have failed him as his father even though I also know that I did everything I could and then some given the overall situation that life handed me. Now that he is legally an adult I also know in my head I can't help him because he doesn't want it. Knowing this does nothing though to keep my heart from breaking over it all.
To try to sum up the rest of it quickly. Things have been very tense between my wife and I lately. She works full time and is also a full time student working towards a nursing degree. She will be graduating in Dec. Well she has a real problem managing stress and she also keeps things bottled up but not so well that no one knows that something is bothering her. For the past couple of months she has been blowing things way out of proportion, making me feel like I can't do anything right, "stomping" around the house, etc and will not talk about
, go see a doctor, etc. On top of that it really does seem most everything I touch lately, every decision I make, etc is the wrong one.
I have tried to do things around the house to make things nicer and/or better, but every project I do ends up costing more time and money than it should have. It isn't that I don't know how to do the things I try, it is that I can't get my body and/or brain to fully cooperate. I have a really messed up back that I take pain pills to deal with. I also am diabetic and have chronic high blood sugar which has caused nerve damage in my arms and legs so they don't work right.
The "final straw" in this drama came a few days ago. We have been living without a working oven for over a year. The stove top worked but the oven didn't and it would have cost almost $300 to get it fixed. I finally managed to come up with the money to get a nice older range and though that swapping them out would be pretty easy. It wasn't. Come to find out the people who originally owned this house never installed an outlet for the electric oven. They had it hardwired. On top of that they used the wrong kind of line to run the power. It is big enough to handle the load but it has the wrong kind of terminals to allow a plug to be installed. Got the old stove out, which took 30 minutes and as I was moving our "new" stove into the house it fell off the hand truck and landed on its "face" shattering all of the glass on the over door and putting a huge dent in the door so that it would not even close anymore. So now we do not have a stove at all. I can't put the old one back either because it got hung up on the vinyl floor when I was taking it out and it got pulled apart.
I inherited this house from my Mom when she passed away and while I am grateful to have a place to live "rent" free and I can't wait for the day I can sell it and move out. Nothing in the house has been done right and making repairs or upgrades is a pain. My Mom didn't even want to buy this house but her brother (my uncle) talked her into it over a house in another part of town because this neighborhood is a bit nicer. She gave in to his wishes since he was helping her with the down payment. He is the type of person who values "appearance" over function and also thinks that there is never a problem that can't be solved by throwing money at it. Thats fine when you don't have kids and you and your wife each have 6 figure incomes. BTW: That other house my mom wanted to buy was 5000 less than she paid for this one and also had been completely gutted and renovated 5 years before it was put up for sale and it was a bit larger in both home and lot.
Sorry for the long post but I really needed to vent and get enough out to ease the burden enough to try and get back on my feet. The only thing that has really kept me going at all lately is my Bubbers (6 y/o son). He is a good kid with a big heart. I have the normal issues that any kid presents but on the whole he makes me proud and is 80% different than his brother. I have little doubt my Bubbers is going to grow into a good man one day.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.
Moderator Depression Forum.