I'm here out of sheer desperation. I'm 60 years old and have dealt with panic disorder and major depression for about
15 years. I thought I had it pretty much under control until about
9 months ago. The past 3 months have been worse.
I'll try to keep the background info as short as possible. Unfortunately, there's a lot of it.
I used to be a Type A personality and had a very nice career, then later started my own successful business. Then I had back surgery that resulted in permanent nerve damage in my right leg and chronic pain. After that, I started having panic attacks which became debilitating and I developed major depressive disorder. My husband was dx'd w/ invasive bladder cancer in '04, then PTSD in '09 (he's a VietNam vet). My mother developed Alzheimers in '07, then my stepdad was dx'd with lung cancer in early 2011. I took care of my mom for 3 years, then took care of both of them for another year. about
a year and a half ago, my stepdad died and two months later I had to put my mom in a nursing home. My husband and I moved into her house...which actually belongs to me. When I finally got my mom in the nursing home, I was soooo relieved and thought once I rested up that I'd return to normal...normal for me, that is.
Since shortly after the move, I can't seem to care about
anything. There are still two rooms in the house that aren't organized, there are still boxes that haven't been unpacked, and I simply don't care. I don't care about
anything. Most days I stay in my PJs all day, playing stupid games on the internet, and having to force myself to do even the most trivial of everyday chores like loading the dishwasher or preparing a (very) simple meal. I feel guilty because I know people think I'm lazy but I just can't seem to get up and do anything. I don't shower as often as I should and haven't gotten a haircut in way too long. And while I feel I should care, I just don't.
I have no friends, though I used to have a large circle of them. I don't socialize, it's too much trouble. And every night I go to bed not having accomplished a single thing, while the list of stuff that should be done just keeps mounting. And I still don't care.
I know my husband and I (we've been married 42 years) feed off each other. He sleeps until noon most days, rarely gets dressed, and just sits. He's a kind and gentle man but not very sensitive. If I don't do anything, he doesn't either, and vice versa.
I know this is very unhealthy. I am on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds, but something's not working anymore. I have considered just not worrying about
what needs to be done and finding something I enjoy doing, but I don't enjoy anything. Not even the activities I used to love. If a genie jumped out of a bottle right this minute and said she could grant me a day of doing anything I could dream of, I still couldn't think of anything to wish for...except that all the stuff I've neglected would be magically done.
I'm sooooo tired of living like this. And at my age, it's not like I have decades of life left. I'd like to enjoy the years I have left and not let them just disappear into an abyss of misery.