Since I've had so many issues for so long, I finally broke back down and went to see a psychiatrist to see what he'd suggest.
The kind of anxiety and depression combined with the frantic thoughts and dissociation I usually feel...I explained all
that to him and he presribed prozac (I've been on this drug before and i hated the side effects, especially the loss of libido), but he told me 10 mg would be such a low dose that I shouldn't have any problems. On top of that he prescribed valium (for the anxiety) and vyvance (an add med for my lack of focus). Well I love the way the valium and vyvance make me feel when I take them in the beginning of the day, but i had some trouble with my heart racing, and when they wore off at the end of the day (specifically the vyvance) I would feel a terrible crash. Empty headed, depressed, listless, hopeless. Then I've been going to bars lately not even drinking THAT much, and not when I'm on the valium. I've been going to bars frantically it seems to get attention. From anyone, male or female. I go to extremes, either I'll isolate myself from people, or, when I start meeting people it becomes a domino effect in the sense that I crave validation and attention. It's gotten out of hand. I hate myself when I look in the mirror, I feel like my thoughts are so scattered and im addicted to all these substances, prescribed and the alcohol. I just feel lost and sick and disgusting.