I have a stiring feeling in my stomach, fluttered train of thought and no excuse to feel LIKE THIS.
Ok so I’m 21 and since my birthday I feel empty but I have
everything going for me…
I work for a security and Nurse Call company in the sales
department which you would think Sales= over the top dramatized happiness, joy oozing
out of my pors. Not the case I’am your average run of the mill person with the
skill to talk that is all. I have a promotion coming up in the next two years
which intails me to take over the sales department for Sydney. I should be
happy about it but I just feel depressed and worthless like someone has reefed
my batteries out and playing with the backup power watching the lights flicker
on and off. It didn’t help that on my birthday after reminding the people I
work with for weeks, forgot my birthday completely my boss which is my partners
father even asked why I’m going home early (put it this way it crushed me). I
fight with the receptionist all the time, I got told the other day that I have
to start speaking to her like the sun flows out of her ass, so I do. Putting on
the fakest unrealistic happy face I can so she cant find fault, though she can
be as rude and arrogant as possible towards me and have no warnings against her
because she is a fossil.
I have been with the same person since the end of school, I
love him to death. Although he has his faults I feel like together forever will
be an option though my dreams and value of life sink when I think what we can afford
with his job choice. I just think I want more then the life he has planned (the
hole picket fence being stay at home with the kids) Sometimes I think yes other
times I feel depressed about the future like I’m always going to be fighting
with myself to stay.
When I was younger I lived with my family at the back of my
nans place when she died my mother and father were off the planet they couldn’t
look after themselves with there nasty habits let alone my older brother which
ended up on the streets and me which ended up at my aunts. For the next couple
of years I would string around to anyone who would have me. At one stage I had
moved schools 8 times in one year. My mum got a little better when we moved in with
her. But my dad remained his abusive nasty self. (by this stage they had split
but my dad would yeahhhh)Now when I talk to him about it, about what he had done
what he had said, I get really angry because he can’t remember. I feel like
they have stolen my dreams.
I don’t want my dreaming to die, it was the one thing
keeping me here and now as I grow older
I understand that dreaming about singing dreaming about becoming something worthwhile
is impossible. I have dreams that F@#$ with my mind. I just don’t know what to
say or do except let go but I can’t what if I can never.
I want my world where I can hide, where I’am safe and no one
lied. I want to go where life was black,so I can dream to have it back. I want
my eyes to no longer know tears to step up and face my fears but no one knows
what they have done and now I know I can count on only one. Make believe forests
and beautiful dresses now fade away and I’m left alone
WHAT AM I SEARCHING FOR, WHY DO I FEEL EMPTY?