Terrified of me

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Micca101
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/1/2012 8:06 PM (GMT -6)   
 
 
Hi,
 
I have a stiring feeling in my stomach, fluttered train of thought and no excuse to feel LIKE THIS.
 

 

Ok so I’m 21 and since my birthday I feel empty but I have everything going for me…

I work for a security and Nurse Call company in the sales department which you would think Sales= over the top dramatized happiness, joy oozing out of my pors. Not the case I’am your average run of the mill person with the skill to talk that is all. I have a promotion coming up in the next two years which intails me to take over the sales department for Sydney. I should be happy about it but I just feel depressed and worthless like someone has reefed my batteries out and playing with the backup power watching the lights flicker on and off. It didn’t help that on my birthday after reminding the people I work with for weeks, forgot my birthday completely my boss which is my partners father even asked why I’m going home early (put it this way it crushed me). I fight with the receptionist all the time, I got told the other day that I have to start speaking to her like the sun flows out of her ass, so I do. Putting on the fakest unrealistic happy face I can so she cant find fault, though she can be as rude and arrogant as possible towards me and have no warnings against her because she is a fossil.

I have been with the same person since the end of school, I love him to death. Although he has his faults I feel like together forever will be an option though my dreams and value of life sink when I think what we can afford with his job choice. I just think I want more then the life he has planned (the hole picket fence being stay at home with the kids) Sometimes I think yes other times I feel depressed about the future like I’m always going to be fighting with myself to stay.

 

When I was younger I lived with my family at the back of my nans place when she died my mother and father were off the planet they couldn’t look after themselves with there nasty habits let alone my older brother which ended up on the streets and me which ended up at my aunts. For the next couple of years I would string around to anyone who would have me. At one stage I had moved schools 8 times in one year. My mum got a little better when we moved in with her. But my dad remained his abusive nasty self. (by this stage they had split but my dad would yeahhhh)Now when I talk to him about it, about what he had done what he had said, I get really angry because he can’t remember. I feel like they have stolen my dreams.

I don’t want my dreaming to die, it was the one thing keeping me here  and now as I grow older I understand that dreaming about singing dreaming about becoming something worthwhile is impossible. I have dreams that F@#$ with my mind. I just don’t know what to say or do except let go but I can’t what if I can never.

I want my world where I can hide, where I’am safe and no one lied. I want to go where life was black,so I can dream to have it back. I want my eyes to no longer know tears to step up and face my fears but no one knows what they have done and now I know I can count on only one. Make believe forests and beautiful dresses now fade away and I’m left alone

 

WHAT AM I SEARCHING FOR, WHY DO I FEEL EMPTY?


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42611
   Posted 4/1/2012 8:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Micca,

Welcome to the depression forum. I think at one time or another, we all get this feeling. Not knowing what we want out of life, or are we going to be able to live the way we want to. When it becomes overwhelming to us, it is time to take life one day at a time. To live each day to the fullest. Not worry about the what ifs. It is good to have plans to do things or what we want our lives to be like. These are goals that we set for ourselves. Sometimes they work out and sometimes they don't. But we learn from it.

Try to enjoy what you do have. It sounds like you have a good job and a good relationship. I am not saying settle for less than you want. But try to appreciate what you do have at this time. Count your blessings from time to time. It brings us down to earth and we are happier.

I hope that you can be happy. We can if we really try hard to appreciate the small things in life.

Remember, one day at a time. Stay in the present. Live in the moment.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Jim1969
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 4/2/2012 5:15 AM (GMT -6)   
Turning dreams into reality never just happens regardless of what you see in the movies. It takes hard work, perseverance and courage to make your life what you want it to be.

Figure out what you really want to do in your life and then make it happen, but at the same time, as Karen said, don't forget to take time to smell the roses.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.
Moderator Depression Forum.

Micca101
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/2/2012 6:48 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks,

I need to keep the positives up, I mean I know I think I have it bad but I have it pretty good compared to some people. Maybe its not to late for me I just think it is.

I read back on what I had written and the immiturity has just poured over the page.

Focus and get there.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42611
   Posted 4/2/2012 8:06 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't think of you as immature. So dont' be down on yourself. But do keep the positives up and keep on fighting. You will get there.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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