I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this post, and I don't expect anyone to be able to help or anything... I guess I just need to vent.
Everything is wrong at the moment. I feel so terribly alone. I have been severely depressed for 5 years now, and it has destroyed everything I once was, and could be. I have tried countless medications, have seen about 4 different counsellors and 3 different psychiatrists - and nothing has helped me. I think the main problem I face is myself. It's like I sabotage my own recovery... every time I start to feel a little better - I feel overwhelmed with emotion and stop going to counselling and stop taking my medication. I wont let myself get better. Maybe I feel I don't deserve it, maybe I am so used to feeling depressed that I can't face feeling any different, or maybe I just don't have it in me to get better. Whatever it is - I can't fight it. I once read somewhere that you can't get better unless you really truly want to... and the truth is... I don't think I do. My counsellor and psychiatrist that I was seeing are no longer willing to see me as I keep relapsing at my own will. They can't help me, and it was the same story with all the other doctors I saw. I feel so utterly alone and desperate at the moment. I feel like I have been sentenced to face this awful emptiness each and every day until I can finally die. People will tell me to think of those who love me, and I do. They are the only reason I am still here. But everyone is getting so upset because I keep relapsing and I am hurting them more by doing this to myself... It isn't fair on them.
I don't really know what kind of reply I'm expecting... in fact I'm not expecting any reply. I just wanted to vent I suppose. Sorry for being so darn miserable! I hope you are all doing well.