Death In The Family

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LittleMissy
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Date Joined Apr 2012
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   Posted 4/10/2012 8:07 AM (GMT -6)   
My sister just passed. We were almost like best friends. I miss her very much and I started grief counseling but it doesn't seem to be helping. Any advice?
LittleMissy

Jim1969
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   Posted 4/10/2012 8:22 AM (GMT -6)   
My condolences on the loss of your sister.


My best advice is to give it time. You say that your sister recently passed and that even more recently you have started grief counseling. The bottom line is that is takes time to heal, and the bigger the injury the longer it can take to recover from it. While you are not dealing with a physical injury you have still been injured, emotionally.

Grieving is a process and while there are definite phases to that process there are no hard and fast rule that says you will go through them in any certain order, or that you won't bounce between one or more for a time. There is not rule that says it will take "X" amount of days or weeks to get through them all.

Eventually though, if you let yourself, you will find your grief muted and replaced by more peaceful and happy memories of your sister. You may and probably will always miss her and feel a certain amount of loss, but the emotional pain that you have now will lessen considerably.

As this happens please do not feel guilty about feeling better when you think of your sister. It does not mean that you love her or miss her any less. Also do not feel bad about smiling or laughing about fond memories. In my way of thinking this is how to truly honor a loved one we have lost. We hold on to the good memories and share them and let the pain fade away.
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Chartreux
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   Posted 4/10/2012 8:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Many many sympathies on the loss of your sister, a death is never something easy to deal with
and counseling can take time, so give yourself that time, this is one of the hardest things to deal with
and we all grieve in our own ways, crying is harder for some people. With time this wound will heal
but you got to give yourself that time...again many many sympathies and posts back here as we do care....
Prayers...
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* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
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getting by
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   Posted 4/10/2012 8:51 AM (GMT -6)   
Grief has no timetable. And no rules. So embrace this time, whether it is happy or sad. Know that we all care about you. And want you to feel better soon. But take the time to heal...

Hugs, Karen
 
PS!!!  Welcome to the forum!!!
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Post Edited (getting by) : 4/10/2012 8:56:35 AM (GMT-6)


LittleMissy
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Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 4/10/2012 9:33 AM (GMT -6)   
I feel so guilty. Her and I hadn't talked since she moved off with her boyfriend to Oklahoma. I got the call over the weekend. She committed suicide. I can't help but feel some responsibility
LittleMissy

getting by
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   Posted 4/10/2012 1:13 PM (GMT -6)   
LittleMissy,

Get rid of the guilt or it will eat you up forever. You are in no way responsible. We aren't allowed to discuss suicide on this forum, but I have to say one thing. When a person does it, it is in no way anybody elses fault. So quit blaming yourself. Get some grief counseling for this. You really need it and it really helps. Please...

Take care of you. Use this time constructively helping yourself. Start with some grief counseling. It is often offered for free. Check around with churches, or mental health facilities. You can't live this way. You need proper closure and to start getting on with your life. For you...

Hugs, Karen
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Chartreux
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   Posted 4/10/2012 9:13 PM (GMT -6)   
No you are not going to blame yourself with this..just let that part go...you
could not have forseen what was to come...Please do not blame your self...
again many sympathies and prayers...and time will heal, but don't blame yourself...
make sure your counselor knows you are think this....
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* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

LittleMissy
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 4/11/2012 8:09 AM (GMT -6)   
I should have never let her move off with her boyfriend. I knew he was bad news from the beginning. He did drugs and drank and I have my suspicions he may have hurt her but then again I don't have proof. She always had problems with depression and anxiety, but I always thought she would grow out of it. I didn't know how bad she actually felt.
She actually emailed me a week or so ago and it seemed like she was begging me to please come down and see her. She told me she fell down the stairs and broke her leg. And with him being gone at work she was lonely during the day. I promised I would be there soon. I guess I wasn't soon enough.
LittleMissy

getting by
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   Posted 4/11/2012 8:38 AM (GMT -6)   
LittleMIssy,

You have to stop blaming yourself. You had no control over this situation. Please get some counsleing. It really does help with the grief. You have your life to live. Don't let it get away from you. Keep posting, it does help. But quit blaming yourself. This was not your fault.

Hugs, Karen
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fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

LittleMissy
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Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 4/11/2012 9:31 AM (GMT -6)   
I just wish I had been a better sister. Our dad killed our mom when I was 18 and she was 12 so I pretty much raised my sister. I was always more of a parent when I should have been a sister. Counseling never seemed to help her so I just figured it was a phase she was going through.
Then that guy came along and they moved off together. I swear he was being abusive to her the whole time but like I said I can't prove it. I should have made her stay away from him. She was always so stressed about the things he did and worried herself sick over him. I should've done something.
LittleMissy

getting by
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   Posted 4/11/2012 12:01 PM (GMT -6)   
Look at this realistically. What could you have possibly done to make things different? Nothing. You could have tried to break up the relationship, but that would of just made her want him more. That is human nature. Can I ask, how did she die? She made her own choices. You can't control everything in life and the sooner you accept that, the easier it is to live. There are things that are just out of our control. You are going to miss her dearly and I think that is the main thing going on here. You want her back, and that is only natural. You loved her with all of your heart. And it is very unfortunate that she is gone. But she is, and you have to live on. You have fond memories of you and her together. Treasure that. Accept what has happened. Get some grief counseling to help you though it. There are others going through losses such as yours that you could connect with. It really does help you get through it. But know that there is no time limit on grieving and we don't know how long the stage will last. But anything is normal for grief. It sounds like you need closure. Know we are here to help you with this. But you need to drop the guilt trip first of all. And move on from there.

Hugs, Karen
 
PS  I just read your first post over, and you said you are already in grief counseling.  Sweetie, it takes time, so just go with the grief counseling and you will be better.  I wish you the very best...
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Chartreux
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   Posted 4/11/2012 5:44 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree with Karen, getting by...and don't blame yourself, your a good person...
Be truthful in your feelings when you go to grief counseling and give that some
time...it will take time for you, but time will heal these wounds... keep posting even if its to vent
as venting will help...
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* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

taraturtle
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Date Joined Mar 2012
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   Posted 4/11/2012 6:32 PM (GMT -6)   
I am very sorry for your loss.

Thankfully I have never been through anything as awful as this so I cannot say I understand or offer advice. All I would say is that although the pain will never fully go, things will get better with time. I know it may not seem that way, I can only imagine. But I have seen friends who have lost loved ones been in a very dark place, and eventually, with time, they have come out the other side and began to live again.

Stay strong,

-Tara

LittleMissy
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 4/12/2012 7:55 AM (GMT -6)   
Well, like I told you before the last time I heard from her she told me she had broken her leg. The doctors said she OD on pain meds.
LittleMissy

getting by
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   Posted 4/12/2012 8:06 AM (GMT -6)   
I am sorry to hear this. My cousin did the same thing. valium and endocet. It was a terrible loss. My husband found him dead.

Be good to yourself right now. You are grieving a huge loss. Just don't blame yourself. Continue the grief counseling. You are actually doing good for what you have been through. Especially opening up here. We will help you as much as we can.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


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LittleMissy
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Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 4/12/2012 8:11 AM (GMT -6)   
I just wonder if maybe she ever tried reaching out and letting someone know what was going on. If she ever told anyone how badly she felt or what her boyfriend did to her. You know he didn't even show up to the funeral. He ran off and no one has seen him. I just hope he knows he can't run from karma.
LittleMissy

LittleMissy
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Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 4/12/2012 9:05 AM (GMT -6)   
I sound horrible but I can't help but be angry at him for treating my little sister the way he did.
LittleMissy

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
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   Posted 4/12/2012 12:45 PM (GMT -6)   
I think in all honesty, that it is normal for you to feel this way. And I believe in Karma too... It will get him that is for sure. And you wont have to lifr a finger either.

She may not have told anybody what was going on because she was afraid to. She was in a situation that only she could get out of. So try not to feel guilty about that either. Have you talked to any of her friends? Do you ever? You could ask one of them if she ever mentioned the abuse.

It sounds like you have a lot of questions. And that is normal. Especially the one about "was there anything I could of done to change this?" But there isn't. It happens. My cousin's was intentional. Though I don't think he thought he was going to die. But he did. I got a little angry because somebody should have made him go to the hospital because they knew that he took all of his meds. Nobody did. I would have made him go and get his stomache pumped. But I didn't know what he had done. But it is what it is, and I can't change it nor can I bring him back. So I have learned to accept that fact. That is what you will eventually do. Once you get closure.

Keep posting. Know that I do care.

I hope that you are having a good day.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


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Chartreux
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Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 4/12/2012 8:52 PM (GMT -6)   
It's okay to feel angry that is part of your grieving process, just
don't let it consume you...he will get what's coming to him, as
he has made his own fate...Now concentrate on your grief and
again, time will help this heal...Many well wishes to you and know we
do truly care...
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

LittleMissy
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 4/13/2012 11:33 AM (GMT -6)   
From what I understand, she really hardly ever left the house enough to make friends. He didn't let her. It makes me wonder if she actually fell down the stairs or maybe he pushed her. I don't know. I just want answers.
LittleMissy

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
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   Posted 4/13/2012 12:52 PM (GMT -6)   
I totally understand that. We just had a member whos boyfriend pushed her down the stairs. And she was treated the same way it sounds like your sister was. I havn'e theard from her in awhile, her boyfriend threatened to take the computer away. He may have. I tried everything I could think of to get her to leave, but she is too afraid. I don't know what is going on with her right now and that worries me.

We mentioned women's shelters, churches, everything we could think of and she was too afraid.

One thing I do believe in is Karma. It does come back to bite you. And I am sure it will him too.

Could you get the death investigated? That might be something that needs to be done...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

LittleMissy
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Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 4/16/2012 7:54 AM (GMT -6)   
That's scary. And you say she hasn't been on in awhile? I hope she leaves him. What forum is she on?
As far as getting the death investigated, we can't. She was found by a neighbor who was worried about her. Her boyfriend was already gone. Her neighbor said that she was lying on the floor with a empty pill bottle. The death was ruled a suicide. Too late to do anything now. Just wish I could have done something.
LittleMissy

Jim1969
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Date Joined Jul 2009
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   Posted 4/16/2012 8:11 AM (GMT -6)   
It would be difficult to get the case of your sisters death reopened and more fully investigated but not impossible. It would be a matter of convincing the local police or prosecutors office (in the city your sister lived in) that foul play may have been involved.

If you want to try I suggest the first step is to sit down and write out everything you know and everything you suspect about your sister's life and relationship with this guy. Be sure to clearly identify what is fact and what is suspicion, theory etc. Then write a letter to the prosecuting attorney's office and also send a copy to the chief of police and/or county sheriff where your sister lived.

I suggest you send those letter registered, return receipt required so you know they got to where they need to go. If you have not been contacted within 2 weeks of getting the receipts for the letters start making phone calls.

You may not get anywhere, but at least you can say you tried.
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LittleMissy
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Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 4/16/2012 8:20 AM (GMT -6)   
I don't want to believe he would do something like that, but I also don't want to believe she would take her own life. My sister was tough as nails. She would never take the easy way out. Then again all the evidence points that way. It's just so confusing and upsetting.
LittleMissy

LittleMissy
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Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 4/16/2012 9:35 AM (GMT -6)   
What thread is that one girl you told me about on? Maybe I can talk to her.
LittleMissy
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