Hi Jade. I don't post as often as I should/used to anymore, but I'm glad that I'm up early and logged in this morning. I'm so sorry that you are having such a rough time of it. I don't have Bi-Polar, but I do have Major Depression and Anxiety, so I can relate to what you are going through. It is awfully hard to understand or find meaning in life when you are not feeling well. I am in my 40's and I have struggled with this since childhood (although undiagnosed then). Through all my therapy sessions and postings and discussions here with other members, I have started to learn that when we do feel better (you mentioned 20% of the time you are this way) we tend to appreciate those moments and times much more than "normal" people. We may have less quality time than others (which is extremely hard on us) but I believe that in the short time that we are feeling better we tend to notice or feel more during that time. I know when I am feeling better I tend to do more "random acts of kindness". And when I'm feeling really down (which is where I am now) I still tend to have more empathy for people. I am embarassed to say I used to be quite judgemental in my 20's and early 30's. But these disorders change us to be better people. So I am hoping that maybe the interactions or actions that we have during better times leave positive imprints on life in smaller ways. And just perhaps that could be our meaning in life.
That's just my philosophy at this moment. I am truly sorry for all the pain you are feeling. Dealing with suicidal thoughts is just the worst and I understand that. Also, don't beat yourself up with all the housework. Just try to get a shower in everyday (I know, much easier than said) and if possible try to do just ONE small thing. Maybe this way you won't be as hard on yourself.
Know we do care and understand. I hope this helps a little bit.