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Living Well
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Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 4/14/2012 6:50 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi All,

I post in this forum from time to time because depression, fatigue and cognitive confusion are my main symptoms, although my diagnosis is bipolar 2 with post traumatic stress. I post mostly in bipolar because of my dx, although I don't experience hypomania or mania. I only experience normal mood 20% of the time. 40% of the time I can't function and the other 40% of the time I battle suicidality.

I take many many medications; mood stabilisers, antidepressants, sedatives, hormone stabilisers, but my liver and kidneys can't tolerate therapeutic doses, so I have to just do what I can with the symptoms I have.

I am starting my fourth week of on a low this week. Housework is piling up. Exercise is not getting done. Socialising is beyond me. I am irritable and sensitive. I have to wait for this time to pass in its own time.

Being bipolar I know this illness is with me for life, but I am trying to do as much as I can to treat my illness. I don't get as much positive outcomes as I would like but just the process of chipping away at it somehow helps me manage it.

It fascinates me how harmful people can be and how sensitive I can be at the same time. My dbt practitioner used to refer to it as 3rd degree psychological burns - where everything just hurts - and burns take a long time to subside and the pain never really goes away, you just learn to cope with it.

I try not to wonder too much about what we are meant to do with the depression we get given. I just try to put one foot in front of the other. I figure I have 40 years left in my life and my job is getting myself to that natural end. Life is so amazingly short as it is, a comparative blink of the eye, in the history of the world.

I would say my depression is currently moderate for me - but my current mood would be rated severe within the general population. I'm just so used to dealing with it effectively. My health still continues to get worse and outstrips my coping skills but I merely accept that I am doing my best and I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I do wonder why I have these illnesses and why life demands so much from me. I try to find meaning within it.


Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 4/14/2012 7:48 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jade.  I don't post as often as I should/used to anymore, but I'm glad that I'm up early and logged in this morning.  I'm so sorry that you are having such a rough time of it.  I don't have Bi-Polar, but I do have Major Depression and Anxiety, so I can relate to what you are going through.  It is awfully hard to understand or find meaning in life when you are not feeling well.  I am in my 40's and I have struggled with this since childhood (although undiagnosed then).  Through all my therapy sessions and postings and discussions here with other members, I have started to learn that when we do feel better (you mentioned 20% of the time you are this way) we tend to appreciate those moments and times much more than "normal" people.  We may have less quality time than others (which is extremely hard on us) but I believe that in the short time that we are feeling better we tend to notice or feel more during that time.  I know when I am feeling better I tend to do more "random acts of kindness".  And when I'm feeling really down (which is where I am now) I still tend to have more empathy for people.  I am embarassed to say I used to be quite judgemental in my 20's and early 30's.  But these disorders change us to be better people.  So I am hoping that maybe the interactions or actions that we have during better times leave positive imprints on life in smaller ways.  And just perhaps that could be our meaning in life. 
That's just my philosophy at this moment.  I am truly sorry for all the pain you are feeling.  Dealing with suicidal thoughts is just the worst and I understand that.  Also, don't beat yourself up with all the housework.  Just try to get a shower in everyday (I know, much easier than said) and if possible try to do just ONE small thing.  Maybe this way you won't be as hard on yourself.
Know we do care and understand.  I hope this helps a little bit.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 4/14/2012 8:19 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jade,

I think Cass is right, don't beat yourself up over housework. Mine is a mess. And yes, getting a shower everyday is a chore. I find taking them in the morning is easier than at night.

I truly hope that you feel better soon. If you don't have mania, why did they dx you as bipolar? Did they give you a reason? Maybe you should be getting a second opinion.

Keep posting, know that we care.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Living Well
Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 4/14/2012 6:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Cass and Karen,

I agree Cass, mental illness certainly brings us down to earth. It also demands more skills to survive than it would if we were healthy. We can't get away without nurturing ourselves and taking the best care we can of ourselves. We can too become more humble. (I worry I'm becoming more and more bitter and twisted as my illness progresses thou :( ).

"Bipolar" usually only refers to Bipolar 1 or Manic Depression. (Bipolar 2 and Cyclothymia don't relate to many Bipolar 1 traits, ie. possible psychosis, wild mood swings, over spending, sexual indiscretion etc.). Even still people who are 100% manic or 100% depressed can be Bipolar 1 from a diagnostic point of view. Weird I know. Same applies to the hypomania/depression in Bipolar 2. Some of my normal mood could also be a bit of hypomania. It is a very inexact science, impossible to really know because my "hypomania" is still WAY less happy or productive than the average person's "normal". How Bipolar 2 and Bipolar 3 differs from standard depression is incurable and progressive, like Bipolar 1.

Thanks for your responses

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