Need someone to talk to....

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lovers spit
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 4/16/2012 12:55 AM (GMT -6)   
I feel so overwhelmed. I am a college student and I just feel like the world is on my shoulders right now.

I was trying to sleep and I just started thinking about all these awful things and now I can't sleep. I have to wake up at 6 in the morning and it is 2am right now. I am a mess.

I can't stop thinking about all the people I have lost in my life. I was adopted at 6 years old so I lost my biological family. I don't even know how to mourn this loss because I don't even know them. And it scares me that I don't remember them hardly even though I saw them through visitations for 6 years... (I met them a year ago again after 11 years but we don't talk much.. its awkward for me). I lost my two adoptive brothers (foster brothers at the time) when I was 2 and then 4. I didn't know them very well because I was so young.

I lost my boyfriend of 2 years (on and off). We keep talking and then not talking and then hanging out but pretty much we are not together. It is eating away at me because I miss him but I don't think it is going to work right now.

So much has happened to me and after writing all of this I just don't even know how I am coping with this day to day. It is so hard to be this way....

I just feel lost, overwhelmed, tired, angry, sad and distracted

Sometimes I wish I could wake up and be a different person and it makes me so sad that I think like this. I wish I could go to sleep......

Living Well
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 4/16/2012 1:16 AM (GMT -6)   
those middle of the night ruminations suck. Tomorrow you will have busyness to distract you. Try to do things to help you sleep, knowing there is nothing you can do right now. Grieving is for day time hours, night time is for sleeping. Make sure you factor in time to grieve in what ever way feels right during day time hours. It's gotta come out some time, so try to work with it at times that are least disruptive and you are well placed to manage it better and have support in the process.

lovers spit
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 4/16/2012 1:23 AM (GMT -6)   
Living well,

Thank you so much for putting it into perspective. I think I'm going to take some tylenol pm or something.

I must sleep. Even if it is only for 3 and a half hours.. yikes.

Living Well
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 4/16/2012 2:47 AM (GMT -6)   
well done lovers spit... it is so hard to do, but worth it. Peaceful dreams to you x

Jim1969
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Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 4/16/2012 8:00 AM (GMT -6)   
It is not easy but when we start to dwell on the negatives in our lives we need to flip that coin over and look at the positives.

For example you "lost" your biological family when you were young....yes that is a bummer but the flip side is that a new family came along and chose you and made you a part of theirs.

You broke up with your boyfriend and while that hurts you can look at the flip side of it that it wasn't meant to be and now there is room to find someone else who may be the one. Instead of being in an unhappy relationship you now have the chance to be in one where both are happy and totally fulfilled.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.
Moderator Depression Forum.

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7383
   Posted 4/16/2012 6:37 PM (GMT -6)   
LS, I am new to the site however I know your struggle. May I suggest you try reading the following book or audio just a page or two before sleeping will work. Before you go to sleep. You do not need to be religous to benefit from the book. Tich Nhat Nhan is the author. Living Budda Living Christ. The concept is finding joy and peace within yourself. I too have lost my entire family. Best wishes.

No Worries!
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 225
   Posted 4/16/2012 9:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Love,

I hope you can find a counselor, perhaps at your college, who you can rely upon to really hear what you say. I also hope that you follow sound advice and can finally see the good side of life. You are far too young to be surviving in the shadows, when you should be thriving in the sunlight!

I've lived a long life and it's been a bumpy journey all the way. Right now I'm in a rut and I don't wish company here. I hope you can see your glass as half full, if not, then at least that you have many more decades to explore life. I have read so many posts and I know how they all feel, cuz I've been there and I am now. I would gladly stay, if only to spare someone else from these feelings, or rather lack of feelings.

When I was young and at what appeared to be a crossroad in my life, I would write down the pros and cons and make my decision on which direction to go from there. Once I made up my mind there was no turning back and never any regrets. Perhaps it would benefit you to do the same? Like it or not, you're in my prayers.

Cheers!

Charles

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42431
   Posted 4/17/2012 6:10 AM (GMT -6)   
I think we all have things in our past that weren't so good. I too was adopted. My mother was in a state mental hospital when she had my sister. So we never grew up together, but we did find eachother about 20 years ago and have a good relationship.

As Jim said, there are positives to your negatives. It is just how we look at it. Try to see the good side of everything. Makes life much better.

I hope that you feel better soon.

take care, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

lovers spit
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 4/18/2012 11:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all for posting.

It really means a lot.

Today I feel very overwhelmed again and sad. I just don't know who to turn to really. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I don't even know who I am or how I ended up here. I have lost so many good friends and a good boyfriend because of impulsive decisions I have made in the past.

I just want to be a good person and treat those that mean the most to me better. I broke my ex boyfriends heart so many times and it was so hard to get a text from him telling me to shut up today. I can't handle it right now. I know I have hurt him badly but I miss him. He was my best friend. I feel like nobody wants me.

I think it is a good idea to look at the positives of things but I find this hard sometimes. I feel as though I have to force myself to think differently. I just feel that so many bad things have happened to me when I was younger and they subconsciously follow me around like ghosts. I feel as though I have a hole inside me because I wasn't born into a family that planned me and wanted me.

I do appreciate my adoptive family and all they have done for me but I just feel that all the trauma I went through with this adoptive family AS WELL as being removed from my biological family has messed me up. I had two brothers that died like I mentioned and I just feel like I could really use a male figure in my life that isn't a boyfriend or someone that just wants to use me. I had a biological father who I was told would drive by the house I was in foster care at just to watch me play outside. This kills me inside because my adoptive father has brain damage and can't even remember my name half the time. I never had a father-like relationship with him. He was just there.

When I was 13 I moved in with my adoptive sister and she drove me insane. Literally. She went from being my best friend and sister when I was younger to being an authoritative mother-figure. She verbally and emotionally abused me (As least this is how I feel). I kept away from my adoptive mother because she was very sick with cancer and I was severely anxious. I was sure she was dying so I didn't want to be by her (I was 13 and later diagnosed with GAD). I know that is backwards but I think I subconsciously felt that I needed to distance myself because I was afraid of losing her like I lost my first "mom".

I don't know why I can't just move on and stop thinking about all these things.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42431
   Posted 4/19/2012 3:05 AM (GMT -6)   
A lot of us have dealt with bad pasts. So you accept that and move on. You can choose to do that. I was adopted because my mother was an alcoholic, paranoid schitzophrenic and manic depressive. My sister was born in a mental hospital. We didn't meet until into our 30's, but I am happy to say I am going to see her today.

It is hard to let go of the past, but you have to. You have to live in the "now'. Learn to do this and put the past behind you where it belongs. You are torturing yourself by not doing this.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 4/19/2012 5:19 AM (GMT -6)   
Please take advantage of counseling center at your college. You need to talk this out, shake out those feelings, get them out and move on.
 
These isssues are stunting your emotional growth. They will eat you up inside. Yes, it sounds rough and we all feel compassion. Many of us are older and have been thru horrific things time after time. I saw a church billboard once that said it all "you are not a failure for falling down, only a failure if you don't get back up".
 
At some point, you must ACCEPT your past and then start living your life. Couseling will help with those feelings of abandonment and being unloved. I urge you to seek out some therapy. You can have a very happy fulfilling life.
 
BTW, stop texting ex, it will only hurt more.
 
Best wishes and let us know
 
Maggie

lovers spit
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 4/19/2012 3:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for posting.

I agree. I guess since I just recently "lost" my ex, all my other losses are resurfacing as well. It is so hard for me to think that I won't have him in my life but I know that it is for the better right now. I feel badly for hurting him but I think I did it all subconsciously to see if he would stick around (almost testing him).

I am going to start journaling or something I think.

Is it normal to feel guilty about about your parents (in my case, my sister and her husband) paying for therapy? For some reason I just feel badly about it. They don't really understand. I think they think that because I am on medication I am fine and I should not need to go to therapy but it helps me.

I just wish I could live alone and pay for things on my own.

ExProud
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 46
   Posted 4/19/2012 5:15 PM (GMT -6)   
Maybe you could look at it this way: Even though it's hard to believe right now, someday you will emerge from the way you're feeling and you will be a stronger and more independent person. Then you will be able to repay your parents kindness. Meanwhile, if you still feel guilty, sometimes just finding small ways to be kind to someone/anyone, can make you feel like you're at least giving in some way.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 4/20/2012 4:44 AM (GMT -6)   
Your parents love you and want you to be happy. Tell them you appreciate it and it is helping. My daughter is in therapy also and I would do ANYTHING TO HELP HER BE HAPPY. i KNOW YOUR PARENTS FEEL THE SAME WAY (OOPs! sorry for caps just woke up-lol

good luck dear and let us know

maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

seroquel, hydrocodone clonazepam norvasc multi vitamin and magnesium

momluvslgg
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2012
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/20/2012 10:11 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi - I'm glad you had the courage to share your feelings so openly with us. I'm so sorry for all the pain that you have experienced in your life and the sadness and confusion you are dealing with now. I agree with the other friends that suggested counseling for you. When I read what you wrote about, not being born into a family that planned and wanted you, this brought tears to my eyes. Because as an adoptive mother, my husband and I could not have children so we prayed that God would bless us with a child through adoption. We truly believe that he sent us our son and we were suppose to be his parents. I am sharing this with you in hopes that you can know that adoptive parents pray and plan for their adoptive children too, that you were wished for and wanted more than you could know. My hearts goes out to you on so many levels because I too have lost many loved ones in my life. The only things that really helped me to get through the pain and grief was my prayers to God, prayers from others, and going to counseling. Have you heard of Focus on the Family? In my time with them, I have come across some helpful resources, such as free phone counseling http://bit.ly/HgmLVv. There's also a good book called "Loved by Choice" that I hope you can get ahold of, http://bit.ly/HZysEd. I also found a few articles on adoption http://bit.ly/Hdc5M8 and grief http://bit.ly/GGnhen that I hope will be helpful to you, friend. I pray for God's love and compassion to surround you, and that He will give you hope for today and each day ahead. God bless you!

turtle212
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/22/2012 11:47 AM (GMT -6)   
Greetings to all.
i'm not sure what to write. feeling lonely and struggling to cope with life. guess i'm hoping find some comfort here.
sarah

turtle212
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/22/2012 4:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for you interest and encouragement.
i'm on meds for depression and pstd. i grew up in an abusive home both being abused myself and even worse watching my brothers and sisters being abused (fourteen siblings.)i don't think i remember most of it. i remember enough. i'm trying to accept where i am and the limitations i have because of what happened.  i love people  yet i hate being with people.  my anxiety level is less than it used to be but anxiety impairs my everyday functioning.  Am working hard in therapy and dealing with life one day at a time.
sometimes i want to die, and sometimes i can't believe how much beauty exists in our world. sometimes i'm so angry and sometimes i feel more accepting.
Hobbies and interests are great when i have the mental capacity to focus. sometimes i lack the motivation/focus to do anything.
I do have a loving husband and three beautiful children. and as much as being a mom and wife is a huge challenge for me i am extremely grateful to have a new chance at having a healthy family.
my love to all of you,
sarah
 
 

momluvslgg
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2012
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/23/2012 9:09 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Sarah - thank you for sharing with us. I'm so sorry for all that you have gone through in your childhood and the effects it has had on your life. I was glad to hear that you are going to therapy and I hope this is helping you. I came across a book that I thought might be an encouragement to you, called "Door of Hope" by Jan Frank, http://bit.ly/I0qyFH. It deals with the subject of past abuse. I'm praying that you will feel God's hope and healing for your life. Take care of yourself and God bless you! 
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