I don't recognize the image in the mirror.

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No Worries!
Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 225
   Posted 4/16/2012 9:37 PM (GMT -6)   
I just spent my entire day void of any emotions.  I neither laughed nor cried, I wasn't sad or happy.  I shuffled aimlessly around the house as if I was a spectator and not an actual participant.  I have no purpose, no desire and no motivation.  Nothing moves or excites me anymore.  I don't even have a desire to write.  What's happening to me?  Why can't I feel anything?  I don't recognize the image in the mirror.  

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7515
   Posted 4/16/2012 10:08 PM (GMT -6)   
No worries you sound as if you are numb! Something is going on and your mind, your unconscious, has made you emotionally numb to protect you.
This is what your post sounds like at any rate.  Only you can say if this will give you an ah Ha!.  Try some mindfulness exercises, meditation or music.
Hope you are doing better soon.

No Worries!
Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 225
   Posted 4/16/2012 11:25 PM (GMT -6)   

Very true...I'm numb. I just started to recover from a serious viro-infection and I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm very jaded and it's difficult to see the trees in a forest. I listen to music, but after a short bit it all drowns out. I sped a lot of time alone and not by choice. I'm finally starting to win some arguments amongst myself. I seldom shave or change out of my pj's unless I have a doctors appt. I've stopped caring what the person in the mirror looks like.

On one hand my Psychologist expressed concern about me driving and on the other hand she suggests I volunteer my time. I don't want to be around others... I'm not trusting myself like I once did. Then again, I'm bored to tears and keep having flashbacks from my work. There is one particular scene that keeps playing in my mind and I can't shut it off. I was better able to control it when I was working. I'm suppose to be able to handle these things...it's what I've been trained to do.

Funny, when I was sick recently and went to the ER due to severe vomiting, dehydration and withdrawal symptoms from my oral pain meds. I couldn't take my depression meds. I sat on the couch crying my eyes out over nothing in particular. Now that I'm back on my daily meds. I couldn't produce a tear even if I had a full eye dropper! I've been raised to believe crying is a sign of weakness. Yet, I'm highly educated and know that men are allowed to cry. So here I am...wanting to cry, to feel something, anything, but I can't.

My wife is against me seeing a Shrink. She doesn't see why I would possibly need to blab my personal business to a stranger. Worse, I pay someone to listen to me. It's as if my thoughts are being who*ed out, like a **********. No, no I get it, I'm pimping my thoughts! If I refused to pay I'm sure no one would bother listening to what I have to say.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 4/17/2012 1:55 AM (GMT -6)   
Part of what you are going through may very well be because of your recent illness and being off your depression meds for a time. Between the illness and the medication issues your body chemistry is likely all out of whack, not to mention fighting off an illness really drains the batteries so to speak.

Your wife needs to understand that depression is an illness. In many ways it is no different than any other illness that needs to be treated by a doctor. Even if the "shrink" you are seeing is not an MD or PHD and is just a counselor or therapist they are still a "medical" professional who have been educated and trained to treat mental and emotional "illnesses" just like the MD you see when you are physically ill is trained for dealing with your physical health.

If your wife found a lump in her breast would she not want to share her "personal" business with anyone and everyone who she thought might be able to determine what the lump is and treat it successfully?

Maybe you should try to explain it to her in those terms.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.
Moderator Depression Forum.

No Worries!
Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 225
   Posted 4/17/2012 2:35 PM (GMT -6)   

Thanks for the advice. I use the term, "Shrink" simply as an old school nickname instead of Keep typing out Psyschologist or Psychiatrist. I wouldn't be seeing one if I thought it wasn't helping me. Of course I've just started the process, but I'm hoping it helps.

As for my wife, I'd appreciate her support and understanding, but I'm still going to counseling no matter what. My shrink said I need to see myself not as a victim, but as a survivor. I don't want to see myself as either one. The act that caused all my problems was senseless and reckless and should never have happened. Recalling these facts makes me feel angry and very bitter. The meds I'm currently on are numbing me and I have no real emotions anymore. I've lost all sense of time and one day drags into the next.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 4/17/2012 2:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Why do you feel you don't want to be a survivor? Just curious...

We can't help what has happened in the past. We learn from it. The anger and bitterness is normal, but use this as a step to move on to the next step. Whatever happened probably shouldn't have, but it did. You can't change that or ignore it at this time. Deal with it, take it one day at a time. Let the emotions flow if need be. Be gentle with yourself though. You will learn from all of this.

If you feel the medications are making you numb. Talk to your doctor. They can maybe switch them for you. On here we refer to pych docs as pdocs. That means psychiatrist. I don't know what psychologist would be. Often refered to as counselor. But I like to type so writing these words out is a challenge. Though I make a few mistakes. lol... Yes, I would talk to the pdoc about your medications. Do they prevent you from feeling the anger? Let's turn that anger into something constructive. That way you would be moving forward.

I hope that things get better for you soon. Keep posting, and know we all care.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7515
   Posted 4/17/2012 3:32 PM (GMT -6)   
No Worries,
So sorry you are rollercoastering so much, hang in there the ride will smooth out, it always does once the meds are settled. 
I understand that you do no want to be a survivor either.  At least I think i do.  Let me know if this is along your lines.
It is a "label" a tag that you have to where now for the rest of your life.  Bad enough that we find out that we are screwed up by no fault of our own, but we have guilt and everything that goes along with it.  General public does not understand mental illness, hard to deal with in the work place, plus!;  it is like a secret society that NO ONE wants to belong to!
am i close?
If it is any consulation, I am still trying to figure out how to deal with this myself.
Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds synd; PTSD; MDD
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