Mother's death

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Sad & Angry
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 211
   Posted 4/17/2012 11:15 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi,
 
I lost my mother 3 years ago. My relationship with her was very chaotic. She and I were never close, and I always wanted to have a loving relationship with a mother, but I never had it. She was a Narcisictic person, an very controlling and only cared about herself. Everything had to be her way or else she will make my life a misery. While she was alive, she was always giving me trouble, and telling others people like our relatives or friends all kinds of things about me.

Then when she died, I felt relived actually. But after a year, I felt severely depressed and it has been since. It is very hard. cry
I am on disability now, and don't know how to find a councellor. I sometimes don't feel like it, as I had one, and it was a disaster. But I cannot afford to pay for any too.
 
I know my mother is dead, and she can no longer control my life. But everyday, I am feeling angry, and obssesed over it. I don't know how to handle it anymore. And the fact that I am changing medication to Cipralex is also taking a toll on me.
Anxiety and depression

Anxiety, depression, panic attacks

It's Genetic
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Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 4/17/2012 11:59 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello, Sad and Angry, and welcome to the Depression Forum.

I have a lot of compassion for you because you are going through, in my view, what is called a traumatic stress syndrome from anxiety related to your mother's past treatment of you.  And there is some
guilt in feeling angry about her behavior since she is dead, but those feelings will pass as time goes by and you complete the grieving process which may be short or long.  There are no estimates regarding  how long one must grieve before finding contentment again.

Anyone who has been exposed to a narcissistic personality disorder for any length of time needs to undergo psychotherapy. Taking Ciprolax may not be the right medication for you at this intense time, but you can always ask your doctor to change it to another if you feel that it is not working.  A tranquillizer might help.

Because you also need psychotherapy, in my view, (I need to say that, because we aren't doctors and can't diagnose; we can tell you only what has worked for us or for others in a similar situation) and cannot afford it, you should contact the Social Services Department of the local government in the city in which you live. They may have counseling services or may recommend someone who does counseling on a gratis basis, or at least on a sliding scale designed to fit into your income bracket.  Sometimes, you will find churches
that offer counseling service to people who cannot afford psychiatric help and need it.

Exposure to the narcissistic personality may make it difficult for an individual to relate to others in a healthy way and that could lead to the sadness and anger that you have now. That's why therapy is so important. It is designed to teach you that not everyone is like your mother, and you have much to contribute to the world in terms of caring for others and for yourself, most especially.

Take care and investigate possibilities for getting therapy, please.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 4/17/2012 12:10:22 PM (GMT-6)


Chartreux
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Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9661
   Posted 4/17/2012 12:10 PM (GMT -6)   
Your mother had so much influence on your life for so long, of course your having troubles with it still...
you have to remember you are a good person, a worthy person and some one special, and you
should seek out counseling as counseling with the right person can work good, it took me 4 counselors
before I found the right fit for me, and you can find the right fit for you to...it is worth it and you
can do it...counseling is so much better, now a days...please look into it...
many many well wishes and keep us posted as we do care...
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42289
   Posted 4/17/2012 12:34 PM (GMT -6)   
If you are on disability, you should have mental health insurance. Talk to your doctor about counseling. It would really help you.

I think even if we didn't have a very good life with our parents, there are often unresolved feelings when they pass. I didn't get along with my mother, and when she died, it didn't really effect me, and to this day, it still doesn't. I felt relief as you did, and I still do. She made my life very difficult. So try not to beat yourself up over your feelings.

I think a lot of your troubles right now are in switching meds. I would try this new med and see if it works for you. If it doesn't , you can always ask to switch. I am sure your doctor knows what they are doing. But there is always a chance that a medication might not work, but there is just as good of a chance that it will. Be patient with yourself right now. I think you are having a little anxiety going off the previous medication, but you are going to be feeling better soon.

Take care, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Sad & Angry
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 211
   Posted 4/17/2012 1:18 PM (GMT -6)   
To Genetics, thank you so much for your reply. Thank you for pointing out that I may be going through a TRaumatic Stress Syndrome. Knowing that helps me a little. Also about the Cipralex, I am having my doubts too...

And to Chatreaux, Thank you for your reply too, and to Karen as well. I need to check on getting a counsellor, and I must. Karen as you said, I don't know about the mental health insurance. Do I have to find out from the disability itself? Well I will try and look into it. But thanks a lot for pointing that out.

Having read all your replies it has made me realize that I am pounding myself with the guilt that my mother has evoked on me.

The medication I was on didn't help me much. It took a long time to take effect and after two years, I am changing it. I hope some medication will work for me.
Maggie

Anxiety and depression

Anxiety, depression, panic attacks

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42289
   Posted 4/17/2012 1:45 PM (GMT -6)   
ptsd could very well be what is going on. My mother use to play guilt trips on me, so I always felt guilty about things that I didn't even do. Nothing to feel guilty over, guilty over being happy in general. It took a long time but I got past it. Sometimes you may catch yourself underminding your own happiness because she isn't here to do it to you. But you will learn to be comfortable with being happy and you will know that you deserve it. Give yourself a chance to heal.

Yes I would check with disability. Do you have a medicaid card for health matters? Is it Social security disability or ssi? If it is ssi, you should have a medicaid card. Unless it is a private insurance. But if you have a medicaid or madicare card, you should have mental health coverage.

Here is a site that might help you in the meantime... http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

This might be able to help you some.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Sad & Angry
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 211
   Posted 4/17/2012 3:03 PM (GMT -6)   
I think that is what is happening to me. She did use a lot of guilt trips on me. Towards the end, she wanted to come and live with me. But I didn't allow her. And that was one of the areas she tried to control and was so angry with that I didn't allow. After her death for a year I was fine, and now I feel miserable. I have to tell myself that, my happiness matters.

It is hard for me. I still haven't been able to find a counsellor. Because of the bad experience I had with my previous counsellor, I am a bit reluctant to find a new one. I know it is going to take all my energy. I hardly get out.

My disability is Social security. But I didn't get a medicare card as such. I will have to check on that.
Maggie

Anxiety and depression

Anxiety, depression, panic attacks

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42289
   Posted 4/17/2012 4:19 PM (GMT -6)   
You may not be old enough for medicare, but you might be eligable for medicaid. I would talk to the department of social services and make an appointment. If your income is low enough, you should be eligible. Especially if you are on disability and unable to work. I would try, they pay for a lot. A lot that is probably coming out of your pocket. Dr. bills, mental health, prescriptions, ect. So call them and see if you are in the right bracket for that. And if not, there are other programs that you might be able to find out about.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Sad & Angry
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 211
   Posted 4/17/2012 5:09 PM (GMT -6)   
O.k. Karen I will call them and find. Thanks for pushing me as I don't seem to have any energy for it.
Maggie

Anxiety and depression

Anxiety, depression, panic attacks

SmurfyShadow
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Date Joined Dec 2008
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   Posted 4/17/2012 9:23 PM (GMT -6)   
you need to speak with a counselor. they will help. i did grief counceling for two years after my brother and his k9 dog partner were killed in iraq. i am in counceling right now cuz i had my step mother, 2 aunts, uncle and grandmother die all last month. too top it off my biological mother had two surgeries.
"The Walking Medical Mystery"

Too many Allergies / Too many RXs & DXs

A Rare Gem for Doctors and Guinee Pig
~Medical Caregiver and Doctors Worse Nightmare~

Sad & Angry
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 211
   Posted 4/18/2012 7:00 AM (GMT -6)   
I went for counselling soon after her death, but the one I got was not that good, and I stopped going to her. But I haven't been able to find another place to go to. Some of the difficulty I face is the trust issue having had to put up with my mother's controlling. I feel I need right now, but finding a person is not easy.
Maggie

Anxiety and depression

Anxiety, depression, panic attacks

SmurfyShadow
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Date Joined Dec 2008
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   Posted 4/19/2012 2:58 AM (GMT -6)   
Huggs Maggie. Well why don't you talk to us? We're all here for you.
"The Walking Medical Mystery"

Too many Allergies / Too many RXs & DXs

A Rare Gem for Doctors and Guinee Pig
~Medical Caregiver and Doctors Worse Nightmare~

bayoub2
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Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 4/19/2012 5:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Maggie

Social Security disability comes with Medicare, no matter your age (altho there is a 6 month waiting period after date of disability) If you have SSI, you should have Medicaid. You can see any counselor that takes medicare (most of them)

The death of a parent, good or bad is a life changing event. If you don't click with the first counselor, request another. You deserve to not live in your mom's shadow anymore. Move into the light

I wish you luck

From another Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

seroquel, hydrocodone clonazepam norvasc multi vitamin and magnesium

Sad & Angry
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 211
   Posted 4/19/2012 9:11 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Smurgyshadow and maggie.

I still feel as if I am living in that trauma of what she did. I have difficulty in forming and keeping relationships. I have trust issues, because of what I went though with my mother. She always knew to isolate me from the people I loved. And now even though she is dead, I feel that isolation strongly. And with this depression it is worse.

I am still new with the meds I am taking and hope it will work for me. As right now now, I am feeling so hopeless.

I hope too, that I would find a counsellor soon. I don't have the energy to find one right now.
Maggie

Anxiety and depression

Anxiety, depression, panic attacks

SmurfyShadow
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Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 4/19/2012 1:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Maggie,

What is the meds and at what dosage? You are not hopeless. You have a family, right here that cares about you and loves you. Over time, you will find out we are a family here, and a family that actually gets what we go through.
Is it the trust that is difficult for you to form relationships? You said trauma that your mother put you through. Did she emotionally abuse you? Anytime I go home, in fact I just got back there, I am emotionally abused by my sister. She is bipolar and doesnt take meds, she doesnt realize what she does to me with her threatening to off me (can't say the real word sorry) daily. But she's my sister, so I still love her. Can you tell us what happened with you and your mom?

Remember, we are always here for you.
"The Walking Medical Mystery"

Too many Allergies / Too many RXs & DXs

A Rare Gem for Doctors and Guinee Pig
~Medical Caregiver and Doctors Worse Nightmare~

Sad & Angry
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 211
   Posted 4/24/2012 9:22 AM (GMT -6)   
I am on Cipralex (Lexapro) 10 mg. And I have insomnia. So I take Trazadone small dosage, and Seraquel.
 
Yes she emotionally abused me, right upto her death. I don't want to go into all the details but it was horrible. And she would use other people, like relatives, my brother etc to get at me. If she knows I am talking to someone, she will get at that person to run me down. It was a vicious cycle.
 
And now I am finding it difficult to get over all that happened.
Maggie

Anxiety, depression and panic attacks and insomnia

SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 5/5/2012 5:58 AM (GMT -6)   
Maggie,

It seems you and I come from the same family background.. Why dont you talk to me about it? I am a good listener. You can do it privately too. My email is whatdidusay @ gmail dot com Put Smurfy in the subject so I where the email is coming from. We can swap horror stories of our life and how we got through it. We can be each others strength. Trust me, I know what you went through.
"The Walking Medical Mystery"

Too many Allergies / Too many RXs & DXs

A Rare Gem for Doctors and Guinee Pig
~Medical Caregiver and Doctors Worse Nightmare~

Sad & Angry
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 211
   Posted 5/7/2012 8:31 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Smurfy. That is so sweet. I will email you. Thank you so much.
Maggie

Anxiety, depression and panic attacks and insomnia

Sad & Angry
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 211
   Posted 5/7/2012 8:34 AM (GMT -6)   
It's Genetic said...
Hello, Sad and Angry, and welcome to the Depression Forum.

I have a lot of compassion for you because you are going through, in my view, what is called a traumatic stress syndrome from anxiety related to your mother's past treatment of you.  And there is some
guilt in feeling angry about her behavior since she is dead, but those feelings will pass as time goes by and you complete the grieving process which may be short or long.  There are no estimates regarding  how long one must grieve before finding contentment again.

Anyone who has been exposed to a narcissistic personality disorder for any length of time needs to undergo psychotherapy. Taking Ciprolax may not be the right medication for you at this intense time, but you can always ask your doctor to change it to another if you feel that it is not working.  A tranquillizer might help.

Take care and investigate possibilities for getting therapy, please.

It's Genetic
_________________________________________________________________________________
Hi Its Genetics,
 
Can you terll me another satronger medication than Cipralex for me. As now its not working for me. Can you please suggest another stronger one, I will be seen my doc on thursday.
 
Maggie

Maggie

Anxiety, depression and panic attacks and insomnia

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42289
   Posted 5/7/2012 10:04 AM (GMT -6)   
That would really be up to your doc Maggie. There are many different meds to try.

I hope that you find what works for you... Even a stronger dose of what you are on might be acceptable...

Talk to your doc...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Sad & Angry
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 211
   Posted 5/8/2012 11:02 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Karen.
Maggie

Anxiety, depression and panic attacks and insomnia
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