Boyfriend's depression & relationship issues

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Jetana
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/17/2012 10:39 PM (GMT -6)   
This will be a long psot. I have a lot of bottled up emotion on this scenario and I hope to be able to get some advice and encouragement on here.

Basically, I've known this guy for a few years. We became closer and closer, spent nearly a year talking daily, were best friends, and decided that both of us really wanted a relationship almost a year ago.
It was great dating someone I already trusted completely and knew so well.... He's always been a very caring guy, attentive, never pushed me, looks after me and we share many basic beliefs and morals... The first 6 or 7 months were more than I could have asked for.

Guess I should have been more wary of all the promises.... the typical things like talking about buying a ring, having a future. I am not an idiot, and I tried to disregard his words entirely.. but he's a sincere speaker and over time, hearing such wonderful things come out of the mouth of someone I trusted so much wore me down.
It came as a shock to me when around January he suddenly started to withdraw and then told me out of the blue that he didn't know if we'd last. We decided to give it a month, see if things improve.... He has a tendency to be a bit moody at times, so I figured he was just in a funk. He pulled things together and we were great again until around early-mid March. He withdrew again... looking back now, I can see that he's been slowly withdrawing since January, it's just that things became more exaggerated in March. Feeling rejected, I tried to get answers or at least justification out of him as to what was with the sudden aversion towards me, the only wanting to talk maybe once a week, not counting a 4 or 5 hour weekly date. I know now that I shouldn't have pushed him; I should have been more patient. I feel horrible because although a small part of me suggested it might be depression (he had an episode of 4 or 5 months of it 3 years back), I didn't believe it....

Someone who I've always known to have a little pent up rage, but who was stable and kept it controlled, is now becoming extremely hard to be around. Most people in our group of friends assumed his off putting behavior meant he didn't want to talk to them any more and stopped making efforts to reach out, although they always welcomed him.
I have gotten him to talk, and from what I understand he is buried under immense amount of guilt. Guilt about everything, from tiny matters to things like all the former friends he lost to drugs, alcohol, and intense partying. In the past, he's had all of his 'friends' turn on him without warning and betray him- a scenario that ultimately resulted in a conviction dependent upon falsified evidence. Understandably, he feels rejection quite acutely...

It feels like I haven't seen more than a handful or glimpses of the man I fell in love with for months now. It's the depression talking, and although I know that, it's getting harder and harder to not take it to heart when he says he doesn't think he can be in a relationship much longer. He puts on some of the most convincing masks I've ever encountered and lies to make me feel better (something that is the opposite of his nature)... he aims to keep me happy, since he isn't any longer. Then he turns around and says he wants to break up, because he isn't happy with me any more... I try to explain to him that relationships are not magic, and that if he doesn't feel fulfilled and content with his life, he can't expect to feel joy in a relationship... He sees it as making excuses, says I'm blind because I still love him. Then he also says he doesn't want to lose me... It's just a cycle of ups and downs, and the more time drags on the longer the downs last.

Since we were friends for a while first, I tell myself that I need to put the friendship first and toss the relationship aside for a while... and it's true, he needs a good friend right now..... but I'm scared that if we break up, I'll be too emotional to be there for him properly for a few weeks. I get this feeling that he wishes to split because of the guilt... he blames himself for all the things that he's ever done that caused me pain, especially now. But if he ends it, he could also end up feeling more guilty about how badly I took the break up.... plus there's the fact that ending things is something he'll most likely regret once he gets through the depression, but I doubt he'd ever try to get back with me because he's be frightened of hurting me. He's already told me that if we were to split, he'd want me to "find someone you deserve.... a better man than me."

I don't know what would be best for him, and I loathe my selfish desire to stay with him :/


I feel as if I'm at war with his depression, but the past few days I realized it's something neither of us can deal with alone... I want to get him help as soon as possible, while suicide is still out of his mind. Do you guys know of good ways to present the idea of seeing someone, without giving it the "weak/unmanly" connotation?

I'll do what it takes to get my best friend back. I miss him and feel lonely without him by my side...



Thank you so much for any help/advice you can give :)

No Worries!
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 225
   Posted 4/17/2012 11:35 PM (GMT -6)   
Jetana,

It seems that your friend/boyfriend has a lot of emotional baggage that was neatly packed away for sometime. However, as the relationship started to become more serious and looking like a commitment, suddenly he wanted to jump ship to 'spare you'? Did I get this right?

I'm concerned that you mentioned he had some pent up "rage". No one can control rage. It's simply a ticking time bomb. From everything I've read I would sa it is in your best interest to consider this a salvaged friendship and not a relationship. I would recommend you ask him in a public Restuarant if he has ever considered seeking professional counseling. Be very clear what you want from him...a friendship or a relationship? Is there stipulations to either one, say we could remain good friends if you are willing to see a counselor?

You need to see the big picture and understand that sometimes things happen for a reason that is out of your control. He is trying to distance himself from you, perhaps because he also realizes that he has some rage simmering under the surface.

I wish you the best of luck...keep us posted. I hope others will respond with some better advice.

Cheers!

Charles

Jetana
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/18/2012 4:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for your reply, Charles. I wasn't very clear about when the commitment started- it began 2 or 3 months in to the relationship, something I would have taken as a 'crazy' indicator in a guy I hadn't known for so well for so long. I know he honestly did mean those things at the time... It's just that once the depression started seeping in, he lsot interest in all friends and most all future plans. I was actually the very last thing he began to push away.
I really do want a relationship. It's just that if it's necessary to sacrifice the relationship and only be friends, I'd do it ONLY for the sake of his well-being.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 4/18/2012 7:06 AM (GMT -6)   
It is wonderful that you are concerned with his wellbeing. But keep in mind, we can't fix everybody else. We can only fix ourselves. He may have to work these things out on his own.

Try to take this one day at a time. Though you are concerned for him, take care of you too. Only you can do that.

I hope that things get better.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

No Worries!
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 225
   Posted 4/18/2012 11:48 AM (GMT -6)   
Speaking from experience, he may be pushing you away to protect you. Again, I'm concerned about the rage he has. You need to take a step back and see the big picture. Your own safety is priority number 1 and making sure he gets the necessary professional help would be a stipulation imposed for you staying in contact with him. Sometimes you need to let go the things you love and see what happens with a little time and space. What I mean is that you are too close and personally involved and can over look some Vidal information that will prevent any type of relationship to grow and flourish.

Is he willing to seek professional help? I've got to say that my oldest sister has always been a magnet for emotionally unstable, drug and alcoholic addictive, abusive men. She was an enabler and internalized the flaws from her boyfriends as if she was to blame. She was an emotionally crippled punching bag. She has never been mentally stable her entire life. She's married now and I don't see or speak to her much these days. From what I know she has a good husband. I don't want you to fall into my sister's pattern. Be strong enough to do what's right for you. After he gets the help he needs, perhaps later down the road you can be friends again. Who knows, by then you may have found your Mr. Right?

Keep us posted...

Cheers!

Charles
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Saturday, June 23, 2018 12:08 PM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 2,974,521 posts in 326,186 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 161286 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, BUCKEYEBILL.
359 Guest(s), 9 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
California Dreamer, Balladeer, Serenity Now, The Dude Abides, Mark FW, Fairwind, quincy, Tall Allen, straydog