My wife has left me I think she is depressed> Help!

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david82
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Date Joined Apr 2012
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   Posted 4/18/2012 11:23 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi I really don't know where to begin. 2 months ago my wifes older brother died age 30 and since then she has been very down and depressed, She has taken to hanging out with his friends and has got particularly close to one man. well three weeks ago she said she's not sure she's in love with me anymore and five days ago she left me. This is the first person she's ever had die on her and she doesn't know how to grieve, she won't even speak about it. She admits she's depressed but won't get help. We've only been married a year and I can't bear for our 6 years of happiness to be gone. help me please.

grandmaroses
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Date Joined Jan 2011
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   Posted 4/18/2012 12:10 PM (GMT -6)   
Death and grieving can be very complicated for some people. Have you guys ever tried counselling?

I usually hang out in pain forums but I read your post and did not want you to think nobody cares.

There will be a regular member here shortly that might be able to say something that will help.
Take care
Rose



Insulin Dependant Diabetic, Fibromyalgia, Gerd, IBS, Sleep Apnea, COPD, Spondylolistesis, Diabetic Neuropathy, Fatty Liver, High Cholesterol

david82
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Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 4/18/2012 12:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Thankyou. She's just totally put the walls up.

Sad & Angry
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 211
   Posted 4/18/2012 2:55 PM (GMT -6)   
I am sorry for what you are going through. Grieving can be hard for some people that they can get confused. And being the brother that died, perhaps she must be trying to live him through this other friend of his.

However, I am sure there will be a moderator to take you through the process. Take care,
Maggie

Anxiety and depression

Anxiety, depression, panic attacks

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
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   Posted 4/18/2012 4:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi David,

Welcome to the depression forum. Though I am sorry for your reason to join. It is very difficult dealing with grief especially at such a young age. And I don't know if this is part of your wife's thinking right now or the reason that she left you. It sounds rather sudden.

Will she do couples counseling with you? I think that would be a good place to start. Did she get any grief counseling after her brother died? Talk to her about couples counseling and see what she says.

I hope things get better for you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

david82
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Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 4/18/2012 7:37 PM (GMT -6)   
HI no she won't go through counselling she hasa really negative perception of it. I've tried to suggest it but she just shuts off. she says its over and at this moment in time thats her final decision. Its just so sudden. She is finding a place of her own though we've only been split one week I just don't think she is thinking straight. I'm so frustrated she truly is my soul mate.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 4/18/2012 8:06 PM (GMT -6)   
The sad part of this, is she sounds like she has made her decision and I don't know if she will change her mind or not. Have you thought about counseling to help you get through this? Or do you feel you need it at this time? I don't think it would hurt to have extra support.

I am sorry that she wont go to counseling. She could be depressed and not realize it. But all you can do is be there, and then there might be a point where you want to move on with your life.

Keep posting David.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Jim1969
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Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 4/19/2012 3:58 AM (GMT -6)   
As the adage says you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

This is where you are at David. You understand what your wife needs to do but you can't make her do it and if you keep pushing all that will happen is you will end up pushing her farther away.

I really think right now all you can really do is let her have her space and do your best to move on with your life. If you find yourself having a really hard time with that then consider the above advice and attend some counseling of your own.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.
Moderator Depression Forum.

pocketfull
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Date Joined Mar 2012
Total Posts : 350
   Posted 4/19/2012 9:01 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello David, Im so sorry about your wife leaving. Some people dont realize that death can be easier to cope with than rejection. Im sure she doesnt know about that. Are you in contact with her at all? If she wont talk then say: thats fine. I would tell her that you understand she has lost her brother and you realize she is grieving. Give her permission, or be supportive of her and that you will be waiting if she needs you. There is more than one way to skin a cat. I would imigine she has not thought that way. To her, death is final and so she thinks that way about relationships too. She will wake up and understand that she has your support and can return with no retribution. I know this is soooooooooooooo hard on you and I will be thinking about you both. Im just going to keep hoping that she will come around. please come often to share your pain and depression....Heres a big old fat Texas hug for ya.....best regards....Cathy

david82
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Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 4/23/2012 1:12 PM (GMT -6)   
I want to point out some signs that I've noticed and see if anyone can confirm my suspicions that my wife is indeed depressed,
She has severe mood swings from quite happy to really angry and low.
She can be set off by the least insignificant thing and go into a rage.
she has went from drinking maybe once a week to every day
she is very short tempered with our son.
She is constantly snacking and is putting weight on.
She says she wishes everyone would just die and she's glad her brothers dead and she didn't even like him. Someone please help.

david82
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Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 4/23/2012 1:16 PM (GMT -6)   
Also she says I deserve someone better cos she's a horrible person which she isn't at all.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 4/23/2012 1:46 PM (GMT -6)   
It sounds like your wife is truly depressed. Can you get her to go to the doctor or a counselor? You said she left, but it sounds like she still may be there as you are talking about her behavior. Do you see her regularly? Can you talk her into seeing somebody professional? The drinking is only going to make her more depressed. So that is a bad cycle. You might have to intervene if it is coming to your child getting mistreated in any way. Do keep an eye on that.

I hope things get better.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

david82
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 4/23/2012 2:00 PM (GMT -6)   
I have tried to suggest it again and she didn't dismiss it out of hand this time. She has left me but I see her nearly everyday she phoned me today crying because her parents got the wrong shopping for her she was saying she wished she could die and everyone would leave her alone. She was really upset but 20 minutes earlier when I seen her she was fine.She isn't drinking when she has our son (we have 50% custody) and would never harm him she just can't be bothered with him and is very short tempered. She is a wonderful mother. She seems to be completely unsupported apart from me. Her parents aren't really talking to her though I've told them what I thought the real underlying problem was. I am totally helpless feel like I'm letting her down by not getting her help but I am truly trying to be the best friend I can to her. Thankyou for listening.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 4/23/2012 2:45 PM (GMT -6)   
Do your best to convince her to get help by way of counseling or seeing her doctor. How long has it been since she has had a physical? Maybe if you suggested that, it would at least get her in there and she might mention her moods. It really sounds like she is depressed. You can't fix her but you can guide her. Maybe even getting a book on depression would help you. It is too bad she doesn't have a lot of support. But that could change. Keep trying.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

david82
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 4/23/2012 2:47 PM (GMT -6)   
thank you.

queenofkings
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 4/23/2012 3:40 PM (GMT -6)   
prozac is a great anti depressant i really went through a similar situation but those pills really help and i even found them chepaer in this medicinesmexico.com page i mean i really wish nobody would die or suffer in this world she is probably acting like this beacuase it just happen but you need to learn to let go..

david82
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 4/23/2012 3:42 PM (GMT -6)   
what sort of husband would that make me to just give up?

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 4/23/2012 4:18 PM (GMT -6)   
I could be wrong, but I don't think he actually meant for you to give up. But there might come a time where you have to get on with your own life. You can only help so much in these types of situations. That is why I said, you can't fix her. You can only guide her, she has to do this for herself. And if she doesn't try, eventually she wont get better. Her drinking is going to make her depression worse. If you can convince her to get help, this may not happen. Do your best to get her to counseling, even if you have to make the appointment for her. You may end up needing counseling though this to keep you coping with the situation. You sound close to that point now. And there is nothing wrong with that. When one person is depressed, it can effect the whole family. Take it one day at a time. Make sure that you keep your own head above water. This isn't going to be an easy ride. Strap yourself in and get her into counseling.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

david82
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 5/17/2012 7:01 AM (GMT -6)   
Well it's been a month now and still no change. She is wanting to spend time with me but still says she doesn't love me. Her mental state doesn't seem to have changed any still the mood swings. I'm going to see a counsellor alone she is still adamant she doesn't need any help.:(. I stayed with her last night at her parents because she asked me to. We had a nice night together, shared a bed. She said she feels guilty for not loving me I said do you want me to stop loving you she said no which confused me even more. Since I last posted we have been out a couple of times and we were kissing, cuddling and dancing just like we always did. I am so confused, I can't move on as long as I believe she is not thinking straight. Everyone is telling me to not contact her but I fear this may leave her feeling destitute. I don't know what I hope to gain from posting this but any help or comments would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou in advance :)

david82
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 5/17/2012 7:05 AM (GMT -6)   
Plus our anniversary came and went without as much as an acknowledgement it had ever happened. She has deleted wedding pictures of facebook and raged at me for referring to it on facebook on the day as the proudest day of my life.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 5/17/2012 7:38 AM (GMT -6)   
It doesn't sound like she is thinking clearly. I know this is hard. Have patience. But don't let this consume your life. You have to keep living even if she is at a standstill. Keep posting. It does help.

I hope that things work out for you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

david82
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 5/17/2012 9:12 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for your reply. Unfortunately though I started this thread to try and help my wife I now believe I also require help. The last month has been the worst of my life but for some reason the last week I feel as if the floodgates are going to burst open. I have seriously contemplated suicide to just end this pain. I believe I had somewhat of a breakdown yesterday I was at work and just sat in the toilet sobbing and shaking. after this I felt like a zombie it truly was the strangest thing I have ever experienced. As if all emotions have been sapped from me and all I have is this constant gloom. Thoughts of ending my life won't leave my mind. I am so scared. I have suffered what doctors termed mild depression a few years back incidentally until I met my wife. but what I felt then doesn't even come close. I'm sorry for rambling I suppose I'm a weak person. People go through much worse and don't let it destroy them. However even considering this doesn't do a thing to put the situation in perspective. I want to be there for my wife but don't know how much longer I can carry on. I told the doctor this and he said he would refer me to a counsellor however this could take upto 4 weeks I really don't think I can wait that long with suh feelings and dark thoughts. Once again I apologise for taking up so much space but I feel at the present time this is the only outlet I have.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 5/17/2012 3:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi there,
 
We can't discuss suicide here, but I would like to post some resources for you...
 
National Suicide Hotline
1-800-SUICIDE ( 1-800-784-2433 )
This is a combined network of the Amerian Association of Suicidology, the National Hopeline Network, CONTACT USA, and many other organizations. Call are automatically routed to the nearest crisis center to the phone from which the call for help is placed.

Helpful Web Sites:
Suicide Hotlines (listed by state)
Suicidal.com (includes Suicide Crisis Center and Depression and Suicide)
SuicidalTeens.com
 
Please do consider seeing a counselor and tell them what you have told us.  It is easy to get depressed dealing with another depressed person.  It often happens.  In order to help her, you have to take care of you first.  So do take care of you.  Keep posting and know that we are all here for you.
 
Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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