URGENT - Desperately seeking advice..Girlfriend is very sick and I am lost

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New Member

Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/19/2012 9:21 PM (GMT -6)   
This is my first time posting something like this - have googled every type of question I could think of trying to solve my confusion, thought I would post this and hope to seek any intel to help me cope.....

This is the first time I have shared these thoughts....

Am 24 years old, met the love of my life last year and have been together up until now. There wasn't a day that went by where we messaged / called / spoke in someway..every other hour for 365 days non-stop. We both were madly in love. Talking about marriage / future and how we were perfect for each other in every way. The happiest person I had ever met. Now, she told me early she had a complex family situation and how she suffered from a severe eating disorder in High School (she is my age now) - (details shouldn't matter so won't get into that), but about 7 months in the relationship she received shocking news that would really derail anyone. From then on, she gradually transformed into a different person - stress was becoming a prime factor, had seemed she was always going to the doctors for something, and she was vey particular on what she ate (she fainted numerous times working out too much and was always one who dieted when we were together early on). She was one who never even cursed, and every other word was explicit. She was one who enjoyed sex but completely lost interest during this phase. Would be rare to have a passionate kiss at this point and we were that couple that was always showcasing our love. The only thing that would really boost her spirits was when I would buy something for her - but that would not last for more than a bit.

As this time passed, it had seemed she began speaking in code, almost trying to give me random clues. Telling me that she always needed to use the restroom (poop) and would ensure that I knew about that, or how she would get bruises over her body, etc. She then began to want to rush into things, as if she knew something was about to happen and she wanted to cram everything in before it did...wanting to get married immediately, buy a home together tomorrow, etc. She then told me that she was suffering from major family problems and needed to solve by herself - I would gently pry and try to see what it was and ensure that I could help her - she would always respond with 'you have no idea'.

about one month to the date she messaged me saying she was very sick, spoke to me as if it had seemed like whatever she was running from was now at the doorstep. Sure enough the next day she asked for space, then said we had to end this, for now - expressing how she had been dealing with depression and a sever eating disorder for a while and hid it. I felt terrible but she indicated she needed to fight this on her own and still wanted that life with me down the road. I asked why we still couldn't be together, it was already a long distance relationship - she replied this is what it had to be...for now

It has been about a month and a bit since - and it is so very difficult. She honestly was my angel, and am confused about the whole situation. I literally feel as though something has left my soul. She will text / talk randomly - some days she'll text late at night, while other days would pass and wouldn't hear a word. I do not know if she is seeking help - she used to say she hated hospitals and all. Not sure if the family is really helping her or giving her 'tough love'. I am so very lost and confused, yet I do not fault her at all because I know deep down this is not her, the sickness has taken over.

What kills me is that 99.9% of the people she still associates herself with have no idea - she is very good at hiding this. Why can she still go on with certain aspects of her life - connect with people at work as if nothing is wrong, but I can't see her?

I used to always tell her that everyone in the world should envy me because I was the one who was with her. Now, I envy everyone else, because they are still in her life (who have no idea what she is really fighting).

I love this girl to death and would give her the world. Once she opened up, I would say tiny things that I thought would help her - expressing I still loved her, would be waiting for this to end and will be her support - but any time I said that she would tell me that is too much and stressed her out. Seems when I googled it, a lot of others said that is what they needed, someone to help, so why is she pushing that away?

I am a man of faith - pray everyday that this will pass and have accepted that this is something I cannot control, but don't want to lose her. Can not see myself with anyone else even coming close.

Here are the things I am confused about -

She sometimes calls just to talk, but not about anything serious, only about materialistic items. I had a gift for her I never gave to her - she knew I was in town and asked that I drop off but said she couldn't see me at the time (NOTE - She from the start has ALWAYS indicated that this was temporary, using terms like - "I can't see you JUST YET"...this takes time / this is only temp / "bye for now" - honesty, that last word or two "yet", "for now", "eventually" have been my only hope. It is sad, when I spoke to her on the phone, for the first time in a month, it had seemed like I was actually speaking to her, she was apologizing and was soft spoken (I feel like ryan gosling in the notebook where near the end of the movie the wife remembers him for only a minute - means the world to him, but then she goes away right after). I was happy just to hear that side of her for the first time in a while. Was one of the better nights and first time I could sleep well.

But then the very next day she expressed she went into a deeper depression, hates herself and expressed that she was trying, but it does take time. Asked that I don't respond to those type of messages. Thought that was it, but then the next night she asks that I call her just to talk about everything but the pink elephant in the room....I'm feeling as though she will now only contact me on her terms, all depending on her mood or whatnot.

Boils down to this - I don't know what to do. If I give her space as requested, am I helping her? But then she keeps coming back and wanting to connect....and I obv. don't want to give her the impression as if I don't care. The hardest words in love are "If you really love her, you'll let her go" - I'm selfish, I don't want to let the only soul on earth who I could ever be with go forever....I want her to know I will be there, even if it takes me till I'm 80 years old. I'll never want to let her go.

I am very lost with her constant mood swings, her depressed talk and confusing messages of asking for space but then connecting with me the next day.

I guess I just want to know how I should handle this. I am not informed on this and that is part of the problem - I feel very guilty and I did accept it when she first told me, but wish I did it in more of an accepting way (I am only human).....

I knew of a girl who had the same type of problems in high school - she had a boyfriend who was very close to her. She took a year off to get help - I always wonder how he dealt with it and what he had to do and not do during it.

I am posting here because I ask for sincere help or any advice on this - It feels like our whole relationship was like a physiological thriller movie, where you really don't understand 99% of the movie till the end. Now that I am in this state, every random thing that occurred within the relationship now all ads up. The restroom / poop talk (typical symptom of girls like these are when they take pills to cleanse their system and lose weight) / the trips to the doctors and random illnesses - she always had this, unfortunately, it has now reached the peak and I don't know when or if she'll ever come back down.

I know it is difficult to reply to such a personal story, but if anyone has any input - believe me when I say, I will forever be grateful and pray that our love story is only entering the 2nd chapter of a million, with an eventual happy ending and not the end.

I thank you all for your time and input.

God Bless

Jon from Wisconsin

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Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 4/20/2012 12:37 AM (GMT -6)   

There are many, many, many things that could be wrong with her besides the depression. Just show up with some flowers and surprise her. Tell her "I love you so much that it is eating me up inside to not know what is going on. I love you, and nothing can every change my love for you."
Perhaps she shouldnt take those pills... Perhaps you even need to call her doctor and say you are really concerned and want to know how you can help her.
"The Walking Medical Mystery"

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 4/20/2012 5:35 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jon
Sorry for your sorrows.
Eating disorders are notoriously complex and insidious. It takes alot of hard work and total commitment by patient  AND loved ones. It sounds like moore than just depression, mood swings, impulsive acts. Unfortunately, you cannot force her into therapy but you could show up and talk with her, as Chart said. let her know that you are there for her no matter what and then stick to your promise.
She sounds like sh is asking for your help, craving your attention. I would go see her face to face and insist on a talk.
Let us know

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 4/20/2012 10:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jon,

Be patient if you can... This can take a lot of time. The only thing I am really concerned for you as she sounds a little materialistic. I hope she can get passed that. Keep posting and know that we all care.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

New Member

Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/20/2012 1:02 PM (GMT -6)   
I thank you all very much - in terms of the materialistic angle - feel as though that is the only way she can sometimes get this sickness off of her mind.

I will keep the faith and wait till I'm 80 if need be. From the get go, she has always said this was something that would not last and how we will eventually see each other... but just not yet.

Thinking in those terms - I can stay positive:) If you map out a whole lifetime, this is nothing more than a hiccup.

**The only question I do have....... she really stresses out if I tell her I still love her, or any supportive talk, yet, I have spoken to specialists and doctors and they all said I need to keep doing that, going against how she may like it or not....should I keep doing that?

It's Genetic
Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 4/20/2012 1:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, Jon, I don't know how your doctor manages to know that she needs the love expressions (unless that's just standard data to tell someone you care about). If she's narcissistic, saying you love her is the last thing she wants.

She wants attention, flattery, devotion, ability to manipulate you, and "have her cake and eat it, too", but an expression of "I love you" is the last thing a narcissist wants. She is very much in love with herself (on the surface) if she is one. Tragically, she does anything but really love herself genuinely if she has that disorder.

Here's hoping that your expressions of affection are truly valued by her and that she will come out of the depression, if that's what she has.

Take care and good wishes.

It's Genetic

New Member

Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/20/2012 1:45 PM (GMT -6)   
lol - she is the complete opposite of a narcissistic - that I know....

It's Genetic
Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 4/20/2012 2:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Good; I'm glad you are wise enough to recognize that.
Now all you have to do is wait  until she's ready to admit  that she
is in love with you.   I hope it doesn't last too long.
It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 4/20/2012 1:49:50 PM (GMT-6)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 4/20/2012 9:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Sounds to me like this girl has a big hole in her life that she has an overwhelming need to fill up with something. At times it is food, other times it is love or something material.

She may not even fully know or understand this hole inside her or have a clue how to truly deal with it, but until she does this will likely be the pattern of her life.

It also sounds like whatever is in her past that has caused this she has never attempted to deal with it. Instead she buries it until such a time as it climbs back out and wreck havoc with her life. She seriously needs to see the right counselor who can help her deal with her inner demons once and for all and who will keep digging until it is positive all have been exorcised.

Granted this is all conjecture on my part based on what you have written, but if I am even partially right the odds of you having a lasting fulfilling relationship with her are slim.
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