There are 2 monsters I draw. One urges me to draw it, if I don't it feels as if something will happen. It is a very nasty looking monster! I knew anger was behind it from all 4 family members that abused me. But today I had a break through after a particularly bad week of high SUDS numbers for SH and SI.
During Therapy today, I had an AH HA! moment and realized that I am creating the monsters myself! Either because I am listening subconsiously to the threats I heard as a child or because I do not want to know the rest of the memories and deal with the anger, hurt, pain, emotions hiding under there. Could be a combo of both.
My plan is if I cannot control the urge to draw the monster next time it comes, I will draw it, and put it in a cage! Then I will see how strong my SH and SI are. If that does not work, I will try to draw the monsters less threatening, since I know I have created them, I can change them.
This was 2 hours ago and I am still trembling with the knowledge that I have control over all this scary stuff. It is a lot to process!
So take heart all of you that are depressed. Continue to write, post, draw, paint, collage etc... do whatever comes natural to get your feelings out and express them. My depression will not go away, however, now I have a small chance to face a part of it and win.
Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; MDD