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jenn7480
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 4/22/2012 2:59 PM (GMT -6)   
I am not bi-polar but I feel like my life is. it has really high highs and really low lows. I know in
my mind things will get better but I can't move past that place. I know people love me but I don't
care. I have people and pets that depend on me....but i don't care. it's one thing after another
after another and I can't handle it.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42285
   Posted 4/22/2012 4:37 PM (GMT -6)   
If you have pets that depend on you, it is time to start caring. If you don't care about yourself, at least care for the pets and find them a different home where somebody does care. There is no reason for anything to suffer because we don't feel well. My pet keeps me going. I love her.

Life is full of one thing after another. That is just life. Get use to it. Do the best you can and take one day at a time. That is all we can do. Just don't let anything suffer because you can't handle it.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

jenn7480
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 4/22/2012 4:40 PM (GMT -6)   
I would never get rid of my pets because of my selfish feelings. ever. I care about them and love them and they get what they need and deserve with me. I signed up for the forum for maybe some encouragement not to tell me that i am horrible. I would
NEVER hurt/harm/neglect my animals because of my own feelings.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42285
   Posted 4/22/2012 4:52 PM (GMT -6)   
That is what I wanted to hear Jenn. I am an animal lover too. I hope you can find the tools to cope. Have you thought about counseling? It really helps us deal with day to day stress. We have to work at it. But it can be done.

I am glad to see the spunk and see you coming to the defense of innocent creatures. We are all the same in a way. When you feel compassion for them, it makes you a good person. Take care and keep posting.
 
I didn't tell you that you were horrible.  You are not, you care.  I just wanted to stress this to you to make sure you cared about your pets.  What kind do you have?  I have a german shepherd.  She is two.  Still a puppy acting type.  I walk her everyday.  It brings us closer together.  She follows me from room to room.  You just have to know when to know if you can't be there for them.  They probably keep you going as mine does me.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Post Edited (getting by) : 4/22/2012 5:21:14 PM (GMT-6)


jenn7480
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 4/22/2012 7:34 PM (GMT -6)   
I have 3 cats....Sammy who's 10, Bella who's 2 and Chandler who's 11 months. I also volunteer for a no kill rescue
and am currently fostering four 6 week old kittens. it's a lot of work but rewarding and fun.

I just feel down because every time I get a break...it seems like it comes back to bite me
twice over. Just needed a place to vent.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42285
   Posted 4/22/2012 8:12 PM (GMT -6)   
This is the place to do so. We all understand how hard it is dealing with depression everyday. I would like to volunteer at the animal shelter. I would also like more pets, but the fibromyalgia keeps me from being able to.

I am so glad that you posted again. Try walking, listening to music and surrounding yourself with your wonderful kitties when you are down. Also counseling helps if you are able to. Meditation and staying in the present also helps. It is hard, but we will help you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Living Well
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 4/22/2012 8:35 PM (GMT -6)   
hi jenn, I think I get what you mean about "not caring". Do you mean it's like the motivation has gone, even though the love is still there?
Do you mean you go through the motions because you love them, but you just aren't getting a kick out of all you have to do atm?
That everything you have to do feels like a burden and the day stretches out in front of you?

I don't usually have that feeling but I have had that for the last week. I usually get fatigued, foggy headed and in emotional pain when depressed. Even when I lose my capacity to function, I usually care about it. This week my idea of a perfect life was day after day of nothing in it, no expectations, no demands, nothing to do.

I've talked about my own experiences only to help you say, "yeah, that's it" or "no, it's not like that for me, it's kinda like.........."

Care can mean physical care and emotional love. Care can also mean a sense of interest, meaning, enjoyment, determination, zest... Care can mean the lightbulb being on in our lives. Don't Care can mean we are in the dark and the light won't turn on.

I tell myself when I am in those times, that I accept that I will have those times and I will wait patiently in the dark, for the light to come back on. The light always turns back on eventually providing we are doing what works; Eating well, sleeping well, exercising, pleasant events, medication if required.

Just keep doing the things that work and you will come good, guaranteed!

We are here while everything is a bit bleak - and will celebrate your baby steps with you as things gradually get better :)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42285
   Posted 4/22/2012 8:41 PM (GMT -6)   
I forgot to add, taking it one day at a time...

Hugs...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

jenn7480
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 4/22/2012 9:36 PM (GMT -6)   
you hit it right on the head LW. that's exactly how I feel........ going through the motions. totally made me
tear up lol. that's exactly it! I love what I do and I love my pets and friends and family but it all seems
to be a big old chore. I put aside everything. "i'll do it later" is my motto. and when the things that
don't get done "later" pile up.... that's when things dump on me. dump hard and I get lower and feeling
more and more stupid. And, not being a very emotional person, I am finding myself tearing up over the
stupid little stuff... and the big stuff makes me shut down completely. does that make sense? I know there
is another side and it's bright but over here, all I see is the negative beating me down. then it becomes
the 'i don't care' mode. I DO care. It's going through the motions of showing other people and myself that
i'm ok... when i'm not. always happy jenny. Always bright and cheerful. I have done counseling before
and it's typical "how does that make you feel" or else I end up lying to the people so I don't look like a
huge jerk or get checked in some place because I can't A. afford it and B. too much responsibility.
I use to be on meds for depression and anxiety but I went off 2 years ago after yelling at myself to
snap out of it. I don't sleep at night. my mind races about different things and I end up taking
tylenol pm or some other "pm" med. Then when things are good.....they are really good. I don't know.
basket case I guess :)

Living Well
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 4/23/2012 2:13 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jenn,

I'll take it as a compliment that I made you cry. Tears of feeling understood are pretty cool tears to have! :)

You obviously don't put aside everything, you are just putting more aside while the depression is having its way with you. That is to be expected.

"the big stuff makes me shut down completely. does that make sense?" - it makes complete sense - I think it is called overwhelm :)

You know what, sometimes we do need to stop. You have got a great support network by the sounds of it - why don't you just "call in sick" on your life for little awhile in order to get some strength up? You do deserve to do that from time to time - and it will benefit your loved ones for you to get your needs met and feeling whole again.

You are not stupid and no feeling we experience is ever stupid. Every feeling is legitimate. Even if it is from a chemical imbalance the feeling is still legitimate for you because it is what it is. We don't have to act on every feeling we have but that doesn't mean the feeling is wrong in anyway. If we don't like the feeling, we can go about taking what ever action is effective to meet our objectives.

Depression can make you teary. That is just a symptom - nothing to get too worried about in the grand scheme of things. The Don't Care mode is also just another symptom of depression, and again it is worth taking note of and treating, but not getting too upset over. Afterall, the symptom is telling you something is out of kilter here and needs your attention to be made well.

You are allowed to be just "Jenny". Yes, we all put on masks to some degree - but you are allowed to share more of yourself with the people you love. That is intimacy - and your loved ones might be honoured to be entrusted with your inner most thoughts and feelings.

"I have done counseling before and it's typical "how does that make you feel" or else I end up lying to the people so I don't look like a
huge jerk or get checked in some place because I can't A. afford it and B. too much responsibility." Have you seen medved's thread on therapy? I think you'll like it http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=19&m=2400165 . It sounds like the counselling you got was pretty ordinary. (I also imagine that if you have that "Happy Jenn" persona, it might be a bit tough to sit with pain and discomfort? So maybe counselling isn't for you... You seem very strong and independent, so maybe meditation might be something for you where you check in with yourself for a given amount of time each day, and explore how you are feeling, what thoughts you are having, what sensations you are having in your body, whether you neck is tight, your breath shallow? Maybe that is something that is more comfy for you and that is perfectly fine! Brilliant in fact!

"I use to be on meds for depression and anxiety but I went off 2 years ago after yelling at myself to snap out of it". Where you depressed when you went off the meds?

Can I just mention that for me my journey has taught me to:
a) try not to yell at myself - I need to be my very own best friend. Me, Myself and I need to be a strong team to get through this
b) try to realise that depression is a physical illness like asthma and diabetes. Some people with mild depression can get away without taking medication, but the people who get better from moderate and severe depression often need to take medication for some length of time. I think people are more likely to go off to earlier than required - for stigma, cost, false information that it isn't a physical illness, or the false logic that stopping to take the cure will make the illness go away.

I run consumer DBT discussion groups here, so I most certainly believe in making sure all the lifestyle factors are in order and not expecting a pill to do what we are too lazy to do for ourselves. DBT also teaches us to treat our physical illness in the most effective way possible.

Please don't feel I am not telling you that meds is that way for you - I'm saying you might want to determine from a place deep inside you what is the path that you know will bring you back to wellness - and how you will do it. Please know that you deserve to be well, whatever way you decide to go about it.

Insomnia is awful. No you are not a basket case. That you seem to alternate between feeling good and bad and not much in between could indicate a little bit of elevated mood - insomnia, racing thoughts, things being really good, even anxiety. Please do not take what some mentally ill non-professional chick says as a reply on a website as gospel though!!

You seem like a lovely caring, responsible, thoughtful person Jenny - please don't beat yourself up over the fact that you might have depression.

It is a physical illness in the brain - and your self worth is not connected to it or its symptoms - (now I have to take my own advice!!! lol).

Big Hugs x

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42285
   Posted 4/23/2012 12:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jenn,

I hope that you are feeling well today. Just wanted to let you know we are thinking of you...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

jenn7480
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 4/23/2012 5:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi everyone...

I am doing ok today. super high anxiety most of the day today because of
car issue (no brakes!!) but I got it in the shop and waited for them to tell me
that it wasn't going to be 430 dollars...that it was going to be half that. made
me very happy. can't afford it but it wasn't 430!!

Have a good night. sun is out. that's good.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42285
   Posted 4/23/2012 7:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jenn,

I would have high anxiety without brakes too. In fact I have had. It is scarey when you have to hope you are going to stop. I am glad that everything worked out and you are getting them fixed.

I am glad that the sun is out for you. It was out here today but it was still cold.

I hope thta you have a good night.

Take care...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

CammyJo
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 4/24/2012 9:01 PM (GMT -6)   
Jenn: I feel the same. I just don't care anymore. Why bother? I have 2 boys, they don't live close, they have their own lives. I have a dog, who is my best friend, just this morning he snapped at me. I have no job, my family is not close, and I just don't care. I have a live in "boyfriend", I have asked him to leave at least 3x, but he has nowhere to go. Migraines are coming on, I am miserable. I hate my life. Just would help to have someone to talk to.

CammyJo
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 4/24/2012 9:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Why are people judging? Like Jenn, I love my dog, don't need someone preaching, looking for some help and encouragement.

jenn7480
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 4/24/2012 9:20 PM (GMT -6)   
I think they were just making sure that I cared some what ...enough to care about my pets. and I do. I'm thinking about making a dr. appt for monday. I might not. I've been chalking it all up to pms but it's probably something bigger. anxiety is high and I need
to find the source i guess.

Cammy... the boyfriend needs to leave if you want him to leave. he will figure it out. It's not your responsibility to house someone.
start with that. get that in motion and go from there. if he needs time, give him a week. there are places he can rent by the week
everywhere and yes, they are not the greatest but he's not your kid.

Feel free to vent here!! I am! Feels good to get it out sometimes ..esp to people you don't know.

lovers spit
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 4/25/2012 12:12 AM (GMT -6)   
This thread made me smile.

Jenn, I know exactly how you feel. When I was at my lowest point, I was just going through the motions. Everyday. I didn't care what happened and honestly I didn't even want to care. I just wanted to curl up into a little ball in a hole and stay there without feeling anything. I was severely depressed.

But I got out of it. I did need medication and I am ok with that. Just like somebody who has diabetes needs to take insulin or somebody with fibro needs to take pain medication or whatever they take (I dont know much about fibro).

I have been through so much throughout my life, as I'm sure you feel the same, AND I have genes that are literally laced with depression and bipolar disorder. (100% from mother's side, not sure about father's side but he claimed to have bipolar... I'm adopted).

I like the idea of taking it day by day. Easier said than done, I know....

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42285
   Posted 4/25/2012 7:43 AM (GMT -6)   
Cammy,

I hope things get better for you. I agree with Jenn, the boyfriend is not your responsibility. Take care of you. That is so important.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

CammyJo
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 4/27/2012 2:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Jenn: I hope things are better today. The hardest part of getting some help, is just doing it. I would spend hours just pointing my finger at a name in the phone book. Calling them was just as traumatic. It took me days, but I did it! And felt so much better. If you have insurance, it's a lot better. I didn't, so I finally went for help, then they pretty much just cut me off. OMG, I am a downer, aren't I?

CammyJo
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 4/27/2012 2:30 AM (GMT -6)   
Getting him to go is easier said than done. He literally has no where else to go.....unless he would give up some pride! All he has is SS, and I do make him pay rent, which does help.... yada, yada, yada. Maybe I'm just selfish, but I don't want to be responsible for the old guy, that sounds horrible, but it's true. He absolutely drove me crazy here today. I feel like I can't breathe, and he just doesn't seem to get it. I wonder if he is going senile?

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42285
   Posted 4/27/2012 5:47 AM (GMT -6)   
That could be a possibility. How old is he actually? I am sorry that he doesnt have anywhere else to go. Can he take care of himself? I hope so, so you don't have to take on that burden. I am glad he helps with the rent.

Keep us posted. We will try to help as much as we can.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

CammyJo
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 4/27/2012 3:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Oh yea, he can take care of himself. And it's not that I don't care about him, I do, but it's not what I want at this time. I need to be alone.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42285
   Posted 4/27/2012 4:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Can you make it financially if he is gone, since he is paying a part of the rent? If so, have a talk with him. Let him know that this isn't working for you and ask him to leave. Or at least let him know that he needs to be looking for a place. If that doesn't work, you might have to get somebody to intervene such as the police department. If the home is in your name and you don't want him there, he has to leave. I just hope there isn't any hard feelings or confrontations. Let us know how it goes.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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