A Part-Time Psychologist Treating My Full Time Depression!

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No Worries!
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Date Joined Sep 2011
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   Posted 4/23/2012 5:46 PM (GMT -6)   

I'm in a bad way...I can no longer put on a fake smile and tell others everything smells like roses.  I'm experiencing more lows than highs each day.  It’s gotten so bad, my depression has caused my wife to worry and stress about my physical and mental health.  I'm starting to influence her mood and that makes me even more depressed and feeling angry with myself.

 

I tried calling to see my Psychologist last Friday, because things are starting to come undone and it’s out of my control.  I was told she was booked and I just said fine and resigned myself to suffer through the weekend, which I did.  I thought I had an appt. with my Psychologist for the following Friday, which is this coming Friday, but I was wrong. 

 

I called again this morning and asked to see my Psychologist ASAP.  Again I was told she had no openings today.  However, I did manage to get an appt. with her for this coming Friday.  Somehow I need to get through the entire week without... To make matters worse, I just found out that my Psychologist is only part time...she works only Mondays and Fridays!  ***!

 

My wife just called me from her workplace and she is very worried about me.  She said she was crying and this just makes me feel horrible.  I am already a burden to her, because I lost my job and cannot work, so she has been working a ton of overtime to pay both our bills.

 

I'm so worried and scared about maybe having to be admitted to the hospital due to my depression.  I've never had my freedom taken from me and unless they heavily medicate me I am not sure how I'll handle it.  I'll probably become even more hopelessly depressed about my so called life.  I went to my PM Doctor’s appt. and I was like a deadwood...I couldn't even fake a smile and I was so unbelievably tired.  Lately my bladder issues have been keeping me up most of the night, so I am barely functioning.

 

My wife is worried about my health and is afraid I might hurt myself, but she is even more concerned about my reputation, should I'd be admitted to the hospital's Psych ward.  I tried to assure her that Hippo laws protect me and since I'm unemployable and permanently physically disabled I won't have to worry about it.  I also tried to ensure her that should I have to go, no one need know about it, except her and my doctors. 

 

Honestly, I'm very worried if I don't go and I'm equally worried if I do go.  I don't know if I can trust them or myself to tell the truth.  I know what they want to hear and what I need to say in order to be set free.  They say the truth will set you free, but that's not always the case is it? 

 

I tried to explain the obvious to my wife...that it’s all become way too much for me to handle any longer.  I have Chronic Back and neck pain, Sciatic nerve pain going into my left leg.  Four discs in my lumbar are messed up and I'm waiting to win my Worker's comp. appeal to have a 4-level lumbar fusion.  I already had a 2-level fusion in my neck, but the surgery failed to fully fuse.  Therefore, I still have constant pain in my arms and hands.  My hands become completely numb throughout the day and night.  It doesn't matter what I'm doing, sleeping, walking, standing, sitting... I wake up most days with my hands being numb.    I also have three bad discs in my thoracic spine. 

 

My headaches are getting worse, I can't sleep and I have Sleep Apnea.  I also have a bladder disorder whereby I have an Over Active Bladder (OAB) and Chronic Urinary Retention (CUR).  I wake up 3-7+ times each night to urinate; only I don't fully empty my bladder, so I keep having to go and go!  I had a neurostimulator implanted to help control my bladder, but it’s not working as well as it did during my 2 week trial period!  I also have a Drug Pump Implant to help control my CP.  I have to get the pump checked out, because it doesn't seem to be working.  It seems that everything I try to do to help improve my situation has backfired! 

 

I left a message on my Psychologist's answer machine this morning and so far she has not bothered to return my phone call.  Meanwhile
I am in limbo regarding the status of my SSD application, which was initially denied.  I had to hire an attorney to help fight for my SSD benefits.  I hired another attorney and won my worker's Comp. Case, but it's being appealed.  Since June of last year I have been without any income.  Meanwhile I have medical bills, equipment and medications I am paying for, thanks to my wife. 

 

Sorry, I've gone on and on...I'm sure I've forgotten to mention a few other medical issues, like I was recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and I need a cane to get around.  I just fell asleep as I sit here.  The moment I go lie down in bed and try to sleep my mind jumps up and down.  The flashbacks kick in and I can't turn the voices off or stop the images that slam into my mind's eye. 

 

This is me...in a nut shell.  What would you do if you were me?  What should I do?  I just want to get a few solid hours of sleep.  Please, somebody help me!

 


Living Well
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   Posted 4/23/2012 6:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Charles, breathe, have a glass of water as you read this, it will help calm you down.

You've got severe depression atm, and even though it is a very serious illness, it is manageable and even curable.

If you need to go to hospital to keep safe, please do so. Where there is life, there is hope and you owe it to yourself to give yourself a fighting chance, whatever it takes.

That said, psych hospital aren't fun places and if you have the strength to stay safe without going to hospital, you are probably best to stay home.

Depression as severe as you are experiencing, requires medical treatment, not just psychological treatment. What meds if any, are you on? It is important to have meds sorted out to be the best they can be with a pdoc. You will most likely not require any hospitalisation.

A psychologist cannot help too much with this degree of depression, other than to help you access the help, that I think you are able to access anyway. If you need to go as a crisis admission until you get your meds sorted out, then do so. If you don't have a pdoc you need to go to your gp and get an urgent referral to one. Together your tdoc and your pdoc will help you get yourself to a much better place.

Your other physical health issues would not be helping the depression either. Understand that and try to keep yourself as well as you can on all levels. I think you do that anyway, but a reminder to take care of yourself with your nutrition, keeping the best activity level you are capable of, is important to.

Living Well
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   Posted 4/23/2012 6:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Charles, I just came across your frightened of possibilities thread. I see others have told you to take your medication, see your gp, see your pdoc. I didn't realise this was a continuation of another thread I hadn't seen. You can choose to find what works for you and do what works for you or you can stay suffering as you are. What you are doing atm obviously isn't working - so it is time to change things up, if you genuinely want to manage this illness and feel better. It takes work.

Barbz
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   Posted 4/23/2012 6:29 PM (GMT -6)   
Do yo take any meds at the moment? If so what meds and how long? I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I wish you lived in my area I would come make you get out of this. You really need positive thinking and get out and go sit in a park or something really boring outside

getting by
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   Posted 4/23/2012 7:35 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree with LW... Breathe. Try to relax. You have got a lot on your plate right now. They want you to give up on that workman's comp situation, but don't. Keep hanging in there and try hard to take it one day at a time. What you are giong through is overwhelming right now. But it is going to get sorted out. Just don't let yourself give up.

Hang in there...
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   Posted 4/23/2012 10:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Please tell me what happens in the Psych ward? How can it be a place that helps me? Why am I being told to avoid it?

I want to know what I might expect should I find myself at the front door to the Cuckoo's Nest???

Are you allowed to wear street clothes? I know that prisoners at a jail are forced to do a strip search for drugs and weapons, etc. then they all wear the same orange jump suits. Is this the same for a new "patient" at the Shrink Hotel?

Are you forced to sit in a big circle with strangers and "encouraged" to tell everyone your life's sob story? Are you initially given a insane amount of sedatives that leave you in a vegetative state drooling in a corner or shuffling around like a mindless zombie?

Do you have any privacy or are you videotaped 24/7 even while taking a dump?

Once you go in...how do you get back out?

Long, long ago I tried to 'tickle' myself when I felt trapped in a hopeless, cruel world. I denied trying to 'tickle' myself and everyone happily indulged in this denial along with me. Ever since I've had this itch that I denied scratching for many, many more years. Just when things were going to well to be true...my world stopped existing...I don't trust myself. I'm afraid the slightest thing can trigger the urge to 'tickle' again. I won't fail the second time around... sometimes you have to tickle or be tickled. Right now I am just way inhumanly exhausted. I'm not thinking clearly. After being so incredibly sick with some stomach virus and going to the ER, Urgent Care and also my PCP I finally felt enough is enough. I couldn't hold down even water, so I was not able to take my medications. After a week of vomiting, stomach cramps, dehydration, a nasty fever, chronic pain and withdrawal symptoms from not being able to take my pain medicine...I had reached the end of my rope. I stopped taking my Wellbutrin, Cymbalta, and Mirtazapine. I only took my morphine for the pain. I wanted to see if I could think more clearly and I wanted to stop the nasty side effects. I was always easily confused, frustrated and I couldn't remember what I had just eaten from lunch, etc.

So here I am...still confused, still unable to remember things and just as depressed as I was while taking my meds. My best guess is that the antidepressants were never working...not the right dose maybe. I find it hard to believe that anyone should have to go through the amount of physical pain and torture I must endure each day. Just when I think I've survived another round of hell...I get hit with even more. So I wonder what could be worse and then I need not wonder because now I know and it goes on and on.

BTW, I told my PM doctor I had stopped taking my meds, except for the pain meds. She told me not to take them again Afro the time being. She saw that I was deeply depressed and I could hardly function. I left there more tired and confused. I have to have a proceedure done to test whether my drug pump implant is working or not. They inject dye in my pump and I have to be put asleep during the test, because of the pain? Yay me! If the pump is not working I will have to have a other surgery to have it removed and maybe another one replaced? When will this nightmare end?

The worst part is seeing my wife worry and stress over me. We both know she can't do anything, but watch me suffer, which is like adding salt to my wounds. I used to be able to hide my pain with a pathetic smile that she so willingly accepted as real. Now she calls me often from work, crying because she's afraid I might tickle myself. I honestly don't know...I guess I'm afraid just one more minor event could set me off.

So, I ask you again what might I hope to gain from being admitted to the hospital? What other choices do I have, especially when my Psychologist works only Mondays and Fridays and has yet to return my babbling plea for help on her voice recorder? Also, I called about three months ago to setup an appt. with a Psychiatrist and the soonest I could be seen was not until May 25th!

At this point, breathing is the last thing I want to do.

Please don't bother with lectures...just help me recognize different options.

Charles

Living Well
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   Posted 4/24/2012 12:48 AM (GMT -6)   
Justified guilt is really healthy - and helpful. If you have not be bothering to do the things that would help, as you say you haven't, maybe apologise to your wife, promise to her that you will make things better for her sake, and that you will go about getting well and will make it up to her. She sounds like a beautiful woman and deserves every bit of your love, caring and support you can give her. She's gone through a huge storm lately and she probably is feeling pretty rattled and upset. Pick her some flowers, mow the lawn if you have one, clean out the fridge, clean the kitchen, make the bed, do the washing, mop the floor. I am a woman - and I can tell you she will LOVE IT!!!. Maybe plan a nice dinner, talk about the time you first met her and how amazing you thought she was. Maybe remember together the most special moments of your marriage so far. Maybe tell her about all the fantastic things you want to bring into your lives together and how her happiness means so much. You married her because you love her and now is probably one of those times she needs to know it - and to have it demonstrated to her by thinking how you could contribute to what is important to her. There are options that might help with your guilt, but I think making sure you make things better is the only sure fire way to get out of the guilt trap. Change is hard, and it is not lineal. Two steps forward and one step back. Look for the kind of help you actually need, because if its not the help you need even those people's best efforts cannot improve things. Maybe take the stand in your life and say "this is my life, I can see what the most effective actions I can take for me to get well, and I am going to take them, no matter how hard it is, my wife deserves me to be well and to not be impacting on her like I have been".

Any helpful options there?

Post Edited (Living Well) : 4/23/2012 11:53:09 PM (GMT-6)


No Worries!
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   Posted 4/24/2012 7:41 AM (GMT -6)   
Living,

My wife knows I love her and want to feel normal again.  I've always done special things for her without a need or special occassion.  I'd buy her an item of various values that she didn't even know I knew she wanted them.  I don't cook, so I've always cleaned and this arrangement has worked out well.  

As far as the other list of chores and physical activities that would be a nice surprise for my wife; due to all my physical disabilities I mentioned in my initial post these things are not possible.  This is one of the main reasons I'm do depressed.  My wife has never seen me in such a weakened and helpless state.  I hate to see her cry and especially over me.  I've tried all sorts of non-surgical treatments.  Finally the pain drove me to the last resort, which was my surgeries and I just found out that my cervical double fusion didn't fully fuse!  This means another painful, corrective surgery and more hospital stays.  I've kept an open mind about my treatment and struggled to finally accept that I will never be as I once was.  I am so limit in my activities and even lying down in bed causes me Pain and numbness.  Science and technology have not advanced to where I can be spared this pain.  My pain meds seldom work and along with my flashbacks, it's all becoming uncontrollable.   I'm fighting a losing battle.  I'm willing to try anything, even if it's being locked up and doped up in a Psych Ward.  However, several posts have made me even more afraid and concerned about what goes on inside.

Please, those of you who have stayed at the Shrink Hotel let me know what to expect!  Give me step by step details as to the process for being admitted, the typical length of stay and the rules.  Yes I know each hospital is different, but they all share common fundamental rules.  

I'm on the edge and I don't recognize the man looking back at me in the mirror.  I don't trust him...his eyes have already checked out.  My Psychologist won't return my phone call.  Without first having some real understanding of the rules and procedures I won't entertain being admitted any further.

I'm waiting...

Living Well
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   Posted 4/24/2012 8:15 AM (GMT -6)   
suicidality is not always treated by psych hospitals. Where I live each year - hundreds of people with pdocs, tdocs and complying with medical treatment and doing all they can to support their general health are turned away from hospitals that they go to, to keep safe, and have untimely deaths. Hospitalisation is incredibly expensive and not for people as an alternative to taking their meds. Unless you are extremely rich you probably won't be admitted to a shrink hotel without first being on medication. Even if you have loads of money, there are enough people with complicated med problems that will take priority. You will find there are not many psych beds and competition for the few that are there is very fierce. Because you won't be able get in, makes explaining all about hospitalisation unnecessary.

You will need to do what we all do - we go to the gp, get a referral to pdoc, take antidepressants, eat well, do the activity our body allows. Let us know how you go with each step - we are here to support you.

Post Edited (Living Well) : 4/24/2012 7:24:25 AM (GMT-6)


No Worries!
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   Posted 4/24/2012 11:38 AM (GMT -6)   

Living,

 

Wow, thanks a bunch...very informative and hopeful.  So I just take see my "rp" get a referral to my "pdoc" and take a few pills and my life is wonderful again.  I stopped my meds, because they didn't help and I was very sick for over a week and couldn't take them.  I told my PMdoc and she told me to not start taking the again at this time. I started taking them, because I hoped they would help me.  I'm fine if I have to take a few happy pills to get me through each day and without being hospitalized.  I don't think I ever said I wanted to be hospitalized.  I was only wondering if it might help me stop thinking of ending everything.  I'm so sorry for wasting your time and I guess mine as well.

 

Where are you from Living?  Perhaps we live in different realities or countries?  I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was in competition with others, had I'd know I would step up my game.  You probably missed the point that I don't really want to go to a hospital, but I guess I have a choice...hospital or ground.  Its special when you can speak for others and therefore they don't need to share their unique experiences, since there just isn't any room at the inn.  You say I need to go see a "pdoc" and I may be losing my freakin mind, but I'm sure I did along with the fact that I am physically messed up, so geee mowing the yard is not going to happen.  Besides, if I care to look out my window there seems to be stiff competition mowing yards, so why bother, right? 

 

That's what I gather from your post...don't bother...just pop a pill and be happy!  I'm so upset, tired and confused.  I'm not joking around or blowing things out of proportion.  Perhaps I'm wrong, I used to think I knew myself better than anyone else, but I might be wrong.  Living seems to better understand me and its her recommendation that I breathe and relax and stand in line for my happy pill.  Now that I see it from her perspective I'm blown away at how simple life can be.  What a freakin waste of time...

 


getting by
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   Posted 4/24/2012 2:01 PM (GMT -6)   
NW,

You said you started medication, then you stopped it. When the doctor said don't start it, you do. What is that accomplishing? Do you not plan to go back to the doc? I am just confused.

A lot of us take medication for our depression. And that is just what you do. Take a pill and feel better. If it works, that is even better. We don't like taking medications. Nobody does. But with the chemical embalance that is called depression, that is what a lot of us have to do. And it doen't necessarily mean we are even on the right meds, but it is working at this moment.

I don't see where you are getting that anybody is in any type of a competition. Maybe LW didn't realize that you are physically messed up too. I can't mow the yard, but I do get out and walk as much as I can. Which isn't always easy. But I push myself to get out as much as I can. It does help to get out in the sunshine, if you have it. Smell the fresth air, if you have it. And just relax. Some of us are in situations that we can't change. You have your physical limitations. It makes it extra hard. You are worrying a lot. That doesn't change the outcome, it just makes it harder for you to function. Sometimes we just have to step back and look at the situation and say, I am not dealing with this today. I am not going to let this get me down. It is a start...

I hope that you feel better. You sound very angry and for that I am sorry. I hope that you feel better soon.
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   Posted 4/24/2012 4:16 PM (GMT -6)   

Getting By,

I was sick and couldn't take my meds for a week.  During that time I noticed that they actually were not helping my depression.  I followed up with my doctor after finally getting over the stomach virus from h*ll.  She told me not to take them at this time.  I have always followed my doctor's orders regarding medication or anything else.  I AM NOT TAKING THE MEDICATION AS PER MY DOCTOR'S ORDERS.  I'm sorry I was not clear about this.
 
As for the competition...I was responding to someone named Living ??? who was way out of line and really p*ssed me off.  I know I read her post, but now I can't find it. 
 
Looking back, I guess I am writing too much and I feel people are just glancing through it and not seeing the bigger picture.  This Living person advised me to mow the lawn and do other physically demanding tasks to show my wife how much I love her.  I had to repeat myself and again explain that I am not able to do those things anymore.
 
Yes, I'm very angry and frustrated about my current status.  I'm angry that a simple, avoidable wreckless act has cost me to lose so much.  Worse, my wife has to bare witness to my daily physical pain and she is scared for me.  I tried to put a smile on and tell her not to worry about me, but she knows me too well.  Seeing my wife crying over me is killing me.  I am sleeping very little these days, due to both back pain and my bladder disorder.  To make matter worse, while I have to fight for my SSD benefits and worker's comp. benefits my wife has been working a lot of over time to help cover both our bills/debts. 
 
My PCP and other doctors saw my depression growing and wanted me to see a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist.  I am seeing a Psychologist for 45 minutes once a week or two.  I don't know why but I feel I'm getting much worse. I have called and called trying to get an appointment to see a Psychiatrist and every new patient appt. was three months out.  In February I called and made an appt. with a Psychiatrist for May 24th.  They told me that was the soonest I can be seen as a new patient.  Short of going to the ER department, no one else in the surrounding area had an avaiability with their Psychiatrist until sometime in June.   
 
As I've said, I keep having flashbacks to people and voices from my job as a police officer.  I don't understand why I can no longer block out these gruesome scenes and their tortured faces screaming for their mother and others.  Each day my energy is drained, too much pain and too little sleep.  Seeing my wife upset, crying and scared that I might hurt myself is not helping matters.  I called my doctor's office today and managed to move my first appt. with the Psychiatrist up to May 1st.  I don't know what to expect or what I need to say or do.
 
See, I've written too much again.  Now, if anyone replies they may skip over or forget wht they read and then ask me or whatever.  I'm sorry. Except for the rediculous reply from this Living character, I truly appreciate everyone's time and advice.
 

getting by
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   Posted 4/24/2012 4:40 PM (GMT -6)   
You have a lot on your plate. Most workmans' comp companies try really hard to get you to give up. Just keep hanging on. You will be feeling better. Things are going to start getting better for you. That will come through and so will the disability.

You ca'nt change what has happened. So you are going to have to cope with what you got. That is going to take time and patience. Keep fighting the fight. Take it only one day at a time. One moment if necessary. This ia all that you can do. You are in a situation of wating. But the appointment will come and so will the other. So hang in there. I assure you that LW didn't mean anything to hurt you. Your life is complex. There is a lot of history and we can't always remember everything. But we try.

Take it easy as you can.
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   Posted 4/24/2012 5:00 PM (GMT -6)   
I want to know what happened to LW's posts?  I know I read them and my responses were directly related to her off target assessment. 
 
I am already confused and struggling to remember the simpilest of things.  I don't need things that were there to disapear on me as well. I don't feel like I'm getting answers.
 
What happens during the first visit with a Psychiatrist?  What should I say or do?  What can I expect to happen?  Will I be prescribed medication right away?

Living Well
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   Posted 4/24/2012 5:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Charles,
I have has ptsd and chronic pain as well. My life can be full of night terror and the crazy making torture of chronic pain. I cannot function physically and do basic chores. My situation is strikingly similar to yours and I have been managing my situation for 40 years. I feel your depression might have gone into a realm where you are unable to accept help from even a most compassionate supporter, that you have in me. That's okay, that is what happens to some people. It appears that the depression might be trying to make you to remain stuck in your suffering and explore options to manage the physical, psychiatric and emotional pain effectively (as it does for a lot of people, a lot of the time). It is more common than you might thinkand you wouldn't be alone there. No one is going to judge your for your symptoms here. Depression can stop even the most intelligent, robust people from seeing straight. Depression messes with our heads; it makes us irrational. I perceive from your last question that you are starting to fight the depressive symptoms and look at what might work - and I congratulate you on that. I have in no way wanted to make things worse for you. Please understand depression can make us feel REALLY bad about ourselves, it can make us feel hypersensitive and it can also make us feel persecuted when someone can give us exactly what we need at the right time. I would have validated you until the cows came home, but I would not merely tell you what you wanted to hear if it would have meant me lying to you - and I have too much respect for you for that. I'm allowed my perception and I expressed it to you in the spirit of hope and friendship. I hoped it be of benefit to you. Given that is your perception is, that I have been harmful to you, I will respect that and not reply any further on your thread, unless requested by you otherwise. I will answering your last question because I think I have good information to contribute for you. If you don't feel I would, you are free to not read it. I wish all the very best Charles xxxx

....In response to your last question, during your first visit with a psychiatrist - they will ask you the symptoms you are having. Let them know about the flashbacks, suicidality etc, let them know about the other illnesses you have, the chronic pain and the meds you are on for those other illnesses. (I have 7 illnesses besides my 2 psychiatric illness - it certainly gets tricky - but well worth trying to manage!). Let them know the meds you have trialled, at what dose, their effectiveness, and the side effects you experienced. It would be unusual for a trial of medication to not start straight away when you have the severity of symptoms you are having. There is no way to know how specific medications are going to work for you - every human body metabolises these medications differently - so it is trial and error for everyone. I have had over 20 med trials. Even with liver and kidney problems affecting my body's ability to metabolise these drugs, I still have managed to find stabilisation and relief. The pdoc will monitor these med trials and ensure you are getting the most effective prescriptions drugs and the most effective dose for them to have maximum benefit for you and your wellbeing. It can take awhile but it is a journey worth starting. It's just part of us living to whatever our highest capacity is - and yours is much higher than what it is atm, so I imagine it will be quite a rewarding journey. I hope my answer has been of some benefit. Take Very Good Care of You, Jade x

Post Edited (Living Well) : 4/24/2012 10:05:55 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
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   Posted 4/24/2012 5:57 PM (GMT -6)   
LW may have deleted their own posts. I didn't see them, so I don't know.

The first time at a psychiatritst office is generally about your problems. They ask a variety of questions. I have only been to two different ones, but they were basically the same. But different types of psychiatrists. Like I say, I have only seen two different ones. One I have been seeing for years. He is really nice. I had a list of things that I wanted to discuss. Which is something you should work on. What is important to you. They talk, ask questions, and basically try to access the situation and what is best for you. They aren't scarey or anything like that. My mother had one that was very hard to understand, but he took good care of her. The psychiatrist will give you medications and probably recommend a counselor or therapist. Could be a psychologist, that is who I see. I see the psychiatrist on occasion to access my meds, but I see the psychologist more regularly for therapy. The sessions are about 45 min and they do me good. So try to relax with this. I hope you get a good psychiatrist.
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Living Well
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   Posted 4/24/2012 5:59 PM (GMT -6)   
hi karen, i didn't delete any posts and I don't notice any missing, cheers

getting by
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   Posted 4/24/2012 6:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Cheers LW!!!

Hugs...
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   Posted 4/24/2012 11:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Living Well,

Thank you for responding in detail to my question re: what I should expect from my first Psychiatric visit.  I'm sorry for lashing out at you re: your previous posts that I can no longer see.  I have long ago lost my memory and I've overly sensitive to the real possibility that I've now lost my mind.  I remember reading other posts from you, but now they don't exist.  So I guess I've officially lost my mind?  

Please don't avoid my thread or posts now or in the future.  I do value different opinions even if I don't always agree.  I am also feeling frustrated with myself, because as much as I write it seems I either say nothing or I'm not being understood, my point is pointless, questions missed/ ignored and I seem to always have to repeat myself or who knows.  

It doesn't seem to matter much in the end.  I don't have anyone who I can rely on for support and who I can truly confide in.  My wife can't handle my depressive thoughts and tries to deny my mental issues as a way to protect her own vulnerable emotions.  I don't blame her and I don't want her to worry or be burdened with my suicidal thoughts.  She has enough to deal with by always working overtime to pay both our debts and bills.

I managed to get an earlier appointment with the Psychiatrist.  It's now on May 1st instead of May 24th.  I'm really worried, because I don't feel anything any more.  I no longer recognize myself in the mirror.  One simply, silly, stupid thing can set me off.  I've been down this road before and it's really bumpy...I just hope I'm not too late...

Living Well
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Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 4/25/2012 4:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Six days can feel like an eternity when we are in the place that you are just atm. Just as I have to break my housework down into little bits and do it one section at a time, I have to break my time down. about 15 years ago I went through the most insane amount of suicidality, alone. I really didn't know when it was going to end. I broke it down into 5min compartments. When I got through one 5min segment, I told myself I could get through the next 5min segment, and I did. For me I had to ring crisis lines very frequently to help make it through. (If they benefit you, use them. If they don't benefit you, don't use them). I did that for two weeks until I got through. While it's not easy and it is extraordinarily painful, it is possible to pull through.

Believe it or not, things are actually going to get better very soon. The degree of your pain is so high that it may make feel like an eternity, but help is on its way. The reason it is on its way is because of your actions and you should be feeling very proud of yourself. I know that was not an easy call to make. Well done. Just know you deserve help. There is nothing wrong with getting the help we need. It is actually a brave thing to do.

So how else to get through the next six days?

* Possibly think about other crises that you have experienced and pulled through in the past. Muster up confidence in your ability to pull through. You can do this!!!

* Distract yourself. Do what you can to soothe yourself.
- Listen to upbeat music, listen to soothing music, don't listen to sad songs at this time.
- Think about what smells you like - mint? cooking smells - roast? cookies? aftershave? surround yourself with smell that feel good.
- Look at what makes you feel good - landscape settings? sunsets? children playing in the street? clouds in the sky? cars? motors? planes?
- Enjoy the tastes you like - sweet, sour, bitter, savory, fatty, favourite meal, fresh fruit and vegetable - lollies or candy.
- Enjoy skin sensations - massage? bath? footspa? footmassager? lying/sitting in the sun/breeze? being warm/cool?

* Use Coping Thoughts
"I will get through this"
"I will find what works"
"I will get this managed"
"I will get my life back"
"This is a hard time and it will pass"
"It's okay to feel bad, I am not a bad person just because I have painful thoughts and feelings"
"I'm on the road to healing now"
"Criticising myself is not going to help right now. I've got to be my best friend right now"

* Try to engage in pleasant activities
- Try to engage in the hobbies you have loved in the past
- You might like to watch a good movie, go watch a sporting game
- You might like to place you always enjoy and feel your best

* Other tips
- Keep busy as much as you can - play online games, watch tv at times most debilitated.
- Try to think of one small thing you can do for someone else as a gift or a surprise
- Make a list of the good things in your life despite your illness (eg. wife, home, family, fresh air, water, electricity, sewerage, political freedom, special possessions etc (it's your list it has to come from you)
- Read books or watch movies with the main character living the kind of life you would like to have
- Read or watch comedy
- Spontaneously smile and laugh to release endorphins into your blood

Also memory problems are very common with depression - please try not to fret too much because your memory will come back, as good as ever, once you get on the right meds at the right dose.

Cheers wink

Jade

Jim1969
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Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 4/25/2012 9:32 AM (GMT -6)   
Charles,

I do not know where LW lives or anything but around here (I live in Illinois, USA) if you feel you are a danger to yourself or others and go to a hospital with a psychiatric department you will be evaluated in the emergency room by someone either from the psych department or from county mental health services and if it is found that you really are or truly believe yourself to be a danger to yourself or others you will be admitted for at least 72 hours even if it means putting you in the medical wing or moving someone to another wing to make room in the psych wing. In a worst case scenario they will call other hospitals in the area to find you a bed for admission.

During that initial 72 hour stay you will be seen by at least one psychologist/psychiatrist and you will also speak to specially trained nurses and counselors (who may also be on the nursing staff). During this time your needs will be evaluated and a course of treatment will be formulated and upon you approval implemented. This can mean counseling, varies types of therapies, medications, etc.

At the end of that 72 hour window one of 3 things will happen. You will be discharged if your condition has stablized enough to no longer warrant hospitalization. You will be given the option of staying longer and continuing in hospital treatment until you do stabilize. 3. They will seek a court order to keep you admitted if they believe you truly are still a danger to yourself or others. Just to you know scenario 3 is very rarely used.

Now the initial stay period does vary from state to state. Some are only 48 hours. One final thing to understand is that if you choose to admit yourself you can usually choose to leave at any time and the only way the hospital can stop that from happening is by getting a court order. If however you are brought in by the police or an ambulance because of something you did they can hold you for up to how many days the state allows....usually 48-72 hours (2-3 days).
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.
Moderator Depression Forum.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 4/25/2012 9:48 AM (GMT -6)   
Jim,

Thank you so much for that information. I know he has been worrying about what it would be like. You are the first person to let him know. I don't know so I was no help.

Know that you are a wonderful mod and a wonderful person, and again I thank you for everything that you do.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

AngMichelle
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 932
   Posted 4/25/2012 11:44 PM (GMT -6)   
I too have a lot of physical stuff and a lot of depression. I have had to be admitted to a Psych hosptial several times, by choicel. WHen I felt I wasn't safe, and that I needed intensive treatment, I asked to be admitted.
You go, and usually sit in Intake for a very long time. You will asked questions, and they will determine if you need the admission. Some insuraces, like mine, almost require you be suicidal for the first 24 hours, so sometimes, and I hate to say this, you have to know what to say. I usually say, I just don't feel safe with myself right now, or something, and I have been told to say this by my docs. Where I go, they have different units. People with severe disorders that have violent tendencies, or more extreme cases are usually seperate from patients with things like depression, mild bi-polar, etc. This is a good time to try different meds as well. If you have side effects, etc they can try something different usually the same day. My experience is you see a Psyck every day, and go to classes like stress managment, coping skills, leisure activies, rec, etc. Its not just locking you away in a room, sedated and restrained. (I do have a parent that works at a state mental facility and there are a few cases where this happens) but usually that is rare and seperate from the more stable patients.
If you feel this is what you need, intensive short term treatment, that will lead you to outpatient treatment give it a try. At least chat with the facility you would go to's, crisis councelor.
IF not, make an appointment with an actual psyciatrist. They will be better able to guide you. There are a lot of resources out there for those of us who struggle with mental health issues. USE THEM! Most likely your insurane will have some type of phone number to call if you need to. Don't let fear keep you from getting the help you may need. With your Phsical stuff, work closly with both your doctors. Depression is VERY common in those with medical problems and its ok to get help.
I hope you find peace and calmness soon
Ang
27 years old
Dx's: Depression/anxiety, Non-Epileptic Seizures, Migraines, repeat joint dislocations, suppressed immune system
14 Major surgeries
Meds: Cymbalta, Vyvanse, Valium, Trazadone, Ambien, Loratab

Living Well
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 4/26/2012 2:31 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Charles,
I've just had something beautiful happen to me - someone who I barely know on the internet sent me a gift voucher for a ptsd workbook with amazon as a random act of kindness!!! I'm finding it fantastic. If you can't afford a ptsd workbook, your local library should have one - if working through a book feels good for you. We are all different so find what works for you. Just throwing ideas at you, for you to decide what works best for you. Best wishes, Jade.
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