Being 'strong'

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New Member

Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/28/2012 8:59 PM (GMT -6)   
The proudest and most damaging moment for me was when my father told me he was so glad I was able to keep my composure when my uncle and Grandmother died in 2010. Five months apart. Everyone else was allowed to fall to peices. My tears were saved for my pillow case. I am very very alone when I deal with grief. Sometimes I am not allowed to show my emotions, because they seem to make everyone else around me suffer.

So then I enternalize things until I finally explode. I was diagnosed with depression in Highschool and have been frequently asked to see a Therepist. But when my therepist got fired (I dont know why) I just never could go back and do that crap again.
I'm overweight, depressed, have anxiety, Factor V leiden (A blood disorder) Lost my uncle to it in May 2010, And lost my grandmother in december to liver failure. I get chronic cellulitis, and have like no thyroid function which doesn't help my weight loss plan. I have history of self-abuse and anger management problems...

I'm really close to my grandparents. They lived with me my whole life- so losing one grandmother was hard. I nearly lost my other this year, and I had been the live in caretaker for my grandfather (the widow of the grandmother I just lost) and we just put him in a nursing home because he was falling and we couldn't control his diabetes.
And on top of all that- my best friend just told me that she might not survive the summer due to having homochromatitis...or too much iron in her blood. She has liver failure. 29% liver function left.

I do the things I used to enjoy because I know I used to enjoy them...I want to enjoy them again. I don't like feeling or addressing emotions and I generally try to swallow them because there isn't anybody I can talk to...
I am almost done college and I can't even seem to get my head around this last class. I do it, but I don't understand it. I don't comprehend...But at least I'll finish.
I'm a writer...poetry and short stories...I can't even hammer out a good paragraph.
I know I need "help", and a lot of these mental issues come from the weight...but Im dieting and exercising with help from a doctor who specializes...

Life keeps getting better. Why am I too stubborn to see it? What is wrong with me.

It's Genetic
Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 4/28/2012 10:07 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello, Mustangbeachbabe, and welcome to the Depression Forum.

From your assumed name, one would think that you have anything but a form of depression. However, you do, I think. (I have to say that we are not doctors, so we cannot diagnose what the real condition might be for you. We can only tell you what has worked for us in our own or someone else's situation that we know about.)

You need to release your emotions in a healthy way, Mustang. That means going out and cutting down a tree or walking or doing some physical activity that releases the tension. Many of us read to relieve tension. It's healthy to release emotion; it's not healthy to take it out on others physically unless it is a case of life or death endangerment.

Sometimes it's necessary to discipline others in order to teach them, but that's not often.

The grief you're experiencing is a large part of your problem, in my view. And there are stages of that which you will go through as time passes. Just know that one day you will look back on your days of caring for your grandfather as ones in which you have done something really good and godly.

I would suggest that you try to get back into counseling with a good psychiatrist, one who will listen and then prescribe medication if it's called for to ease you through the trauma you've been through and are still experiencing. From your discussion, I gather that you didn't have a very good physician overseeing your care in the past.

Like all of us, there are good ones and bad ones, doctors, lawyers, people.  Usually, you will be fortunate in getting a good one. And that can make a huge difference in how your academic work goes at college, the return of your creative ability, and your love for life.

Please consider seeing another psychiatrist. It might make the difference in your living a healthy, happy life.

Take care of yourself and continue to post as you wish.

It's Genetic

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42212
   Posted 4/29/2012 5:48 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Mustang,

And welcome to the depression forum.

It sounds like you are being pretty hard on yourself. Try not to do that. I have done caregiver jobs, and they aren't easy. Especially when we have to admit we cant do it anymore. But we do what is best for the person involved. I think you did the right things. So go easy on yourself and give yourself a break. It isnt' easy taking care of other people. And sometimes we can't meet their needs and have to do things we don't necessarily want to, but it is in their best interest. So just don't look at it like you failed. You had no other choice. You did what was right for your grandfather.

Do you walk? I have found that walking is a great stress release, burns calories and makes me feel better all the way around. Maybe you could start. I cut out soda and swithched to water to drink. I have lost a lot of weight. It takes a little time to see results of weight loss, but feeling better starts right away. If you aren' use to walking, start out really slow. Maybe just five or ten minutes.

I agree with IG about the counseling. I go regularly and it really helps. I see a psychologist for that. And a psychiatrist for meds. So that works out well.

I hope that you feel better soon. Know that there is no time limit on grief. And we all experience it differently. But try to go with the flow of things, it will work out.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BrianJ (bne)
Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2003
Total Posts : 198
   Posted 4/29/2012 9:13 PM (GMT -6)   

"Life is a helluva thing to happen to a person". I recently lost my sister to brain cancer - she was the eldest of 5 kids and the only girl - I'm the 2nd youngest and she was my anchor, my backbone. I've also been having a hard time with this, I too have no one close enough with whom I can let it all go. I have spent many nights at work just crying and crying - BUT it's ok - I LET myself do that. Crying is a most cathartic activity. I'm separated now over 6 years and, due to job relocation don't see my kids nearly as much as I'd like. The one year relationship I thought was going to last came to an end just 2 days before my sister took her last turn for the worse.

I'm still living in this woman's house till I can find something else but can't find the caring, emotional support I need from her. I'm also a bit of a writer myself but couldn't even come with something for my sister's memorial. But I try not to get down about it - all things in time. I am walking lots more and am doing a lot of "close up" photography - I find it helps me remember how wonderous and beautiful every moment can be.

I won't rehash what others have said except to say it's all good and helpful advice. I watched my sister slowly die, day after day and will never forget how she last looked - all 74 lbs of her. But I am learning to remember her as she was before her illness. Everyday, I see something extraordinary - a perfect sunset, a butterfly, a child laughing - and know that she is letting me know she's alright now and that I should take the best from her and enjoy my life.

It takes time to grieve but it also takes courage - courage to allow yourself to be as sad as you feel deep inside, courage to say "I'm going to cry" and doing it.

I'm at work right now and just came back inside after going for a walk and crying. My co-workers know about my sister (I don't talk to them about it) and understand if I seem down - don't be afraid to let it out whenever and wherever you need to. It's been 34 days since my sister passed and I've not gone one day without mourning her loss but that will change, and so will things for you.

Be strong enough to be weak.

Finish each day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

- Emerson

Depression, Fibromyalgia, Tourettes, Bipolar, degenerative disc, sciatica, anxiety, RLS

New Member

Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 5/1/2012 1:10 PM (GMT -6)   
I need to be strong right now!!!!!! I left my boyfriend a few months ago and he has been asking to go back in a relationship but i was not ready because i was not seeing the change in him yet but now he is tired of chasing after me and he does not want me anymore.............. im so depressed, i cant function. im here typing and my hands are shaking. I really need some counselling right now. Everytime i call his phone i get disappointed. He screams at me, and hangs up. I CANT TAKE IT...................I AM DYING. Guys can u help me. im in need of some desperate advice.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42212
   Posted 5/1/2012 2:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi there,

It sounds like you are better off now. Really, if he screams at you... Who needs that??? Life is hard enough. It doesn't sound like he has changed. You will meet a nice man who treats you right. Just hang in there and try to help yourself right now. Do things for you. Things that help you and things that you enjoy. Don't let thiis get you down, I really think you are better off without him in your life. If it is meant to be, then he will change and come back into your life. For now, work on you. Here is a site that might help you.

Try it out and see if it helps you in any way.

I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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