Hello, Mustangbeachbabe, and welcome to the Depression Forum.
From your assumed name, one would think that you have anything but a form of depression. However, you do, I think. (I have to say that we are not doctors, so we cannot diagnose what the real condition might be for you. We can only tell you what has worked for us in our own or someone else's situation that we know about.)
You need to release your emotions in a healthy way, Mustang. That means going out and cutting down a tree or walking or doing some physical activity that releases the tension. Many of us read to relieve tension. It's healthy to release emotion; it's not healthy to take it out on others physically unless it is a case of life or death endangerment.
Sometimes it's necessary to discipline others in order to teach them, but that's not often.
The grief you're experiencing is a large part of your problem, in my view. And there are stages of that which you will go through as time passes. Just know that one day you will look back on your days of caring for your grandfather as ones in which you have done something really good and godly.
I would suggest that you try to get back into counseling with a good psychiatrist, one who will listen and then prescribe medication if it's called for to ease you through the trauma you've been through and are still experiencing. From your discussion, I gather that you didn't have a very good physician overseeing your care in the past.
Like all of us, there are good ones and bad ones, doctors, lawyers, people. Usually, you will be fortunate in getting a good one. And that can make a huge difference in how your academic work goes at college, the return of your creative ability, and your love for life.
Please consider seeing another psychiatrist. It might make the difference in your living a healthy, happy life.
Take care of yourself and continue to post as you wish.