Posted 4/29/2012 4:09 PM (GMT -7)
A while back I posted about my girlfriend with major depression / eating disorders....I thank you all who commented and helped - just wanted to be informed on what to expect during that time....seems as though she is slowly becoming more stable, but am very confused about a few things - hope someone can answer / help.....
As mentioned, she suffers from a great deal of depression and eating disorder - have been w her for a year (currently on a break, allowing her to become more stable)...there was a giant moment that had occurred that (I assume) was the cause of her breakdown - out of nowhere she said she was dealing with this disorder and said that our break would be temporary - until she got better / stable. For the past month and a half, I respected the time a part (we are also long-distance) as she and I would still connect every other day for a brief time. Now, I have read a few comments on this forum about how someone was going through the same situation, but was experiencing harsh mood swings from his loved one...as soon as I read that - seemed as though I then entered that stage within my situation.
It all started 3 weeks ago:
Friday - I was in town, she said she could not see me because it would be too much and said she wasn't ready to see me just yet - but we messaged over the phone / seemed to be stable and fine. Giving her the space, but being there when she wanted to be there.
Sunday - She sends 2 page letter saying she hit a great lowe and how she is not stable - saying this will take time and cannot be rushed, but wanted me to know she is doing this to get better. Asked that I do not reply to that, just wanted to express to the 1% out there that really knows what she is going through (she hides from everyone else)....
At this time, I thought that was it - thought I needed to completely give her space and stop all connection. Felt very sad and helpless for her, confused as well - seeing that she can hide this from friends and co-workers and go on with it as nothing affects her - but for some reason, I have to be excluded....
Two days later - she messages me and says she had a few rotten days and really misses me (first sign of any compassion in months)
Next day - she asks to see me for the first time...from then on, with minor bumps, it seemed as though everything was like normal - talking to her for hours on end every night :)
Then about a week later (this weekend), she now seems to be playing these games. Will tell me she's partying every night, expressing she is running into old friends and making sure I know that she told them we are not together anymore, etc.....she is basically doing what she did a month ago - which was egging me on, trying to get a reaction from me, speaking like someone I never met and how she was almost trying to hurt me....she know's I can't stand it when she doesn't tell me what she is doing / hanging out with...and she even said, bet you hate that I don't tell you, right? Lastly, she told me that it was largely my fault that she was depressed, how I hurt her - Now, if she said this a few weeks ago - I would have been devastated, but truth is, it is almost like she is playing mind-games....saying she'll have to see if she can forgive me....this is a few days after we spoke like we did when first in love!
I have a feeling she is playing these games because she if she really doesn't like someone, she will cut them out completely - difference here is that she continues to go from high to really low but always initiates the conversations / interactions...I know of people who got dumped, then tried to make their ex envious, but never heard of the one who (temporarily broke it off) to then go and try to throw salt in the cut...
Guess what I am trying to get at is - is this part of her disorder (she told me she was diagnosed with BPD when she was younger as well, but said they got it wrong).
I love her so much, and know that if I need to be that rock, where she can lash out at and blame, I'll be that rock, but I need to know if this is something that will be temporary or will always last like this..
Why does she want to see me and speak in such compassion one day then the next blame me for everything and try to make me feel envious that she is doing things without me involved at all?
Lastly - one kind woman told me that she had depression and stated the reason she was so tough on her boyfriend during her situation was to test him and confirm that he was someone who would always stand by her side in tough moments.....could that be what my girl is doing?
Thank you all