Safety Contracts...so easy to sign and harder not to break!

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No Worries!
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Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 225
   Posted 4/30/2012 1:52 AM (GMT -6)   
I saw my Psychologist the other day.  I couldn't tell her I hurt myself and I have thoughts of ending my miserable existence.  I brought my writings (journal) and gave it to her.  Once I did that I knew I couldn't deny my feelings and wanting to hurt myself.

She didn't want to read it during our session and use up our time.  It's funny in a way, she asked me if I had plans to kill myself or injure myself after I just said I did.  Then, before I could follow up with an answer she told me I wouldn't hurt myself and asked me if this was right?  I told her she made it easy for me to say yes, even tough I knew its not true.

I was bawling my eyes out, scared of what I am capable of in a moment of rage and frustration and hatred for what's become of myself.  Funny thing was that I could actually hear a woman in the next room also crying, but she was loud!  I was tunnng in and out of our conversation.  I couldn't focus my thoughts.  My nerves were shot, no sleep and this overwhelming desire to stop everything.  

I told her I felt humans were cruel to one another...had I been a horse they would have ended my suffering a long, long time ago.  She told me I was comparing apples to oranges!  I told her that was just how I felt.  

I told her I was scared of going to the hospital...it's easy enough to be admitted, but once you're inside, getting out is not that easy.  I think she lied to me...told me I could sign myself out at any time when I felt I could trust myself not to hurt or kill myself.  That's too easy?  I would lie anyways, if I wanted to get out.  Just like I did signing this "safety Contract".  

She kept trying to get me to use my wife as a safety net...call or speak to her when I wanted to harm myself.  I kept telling her that my wife is not even on board with me seeing a shrink!  Whenever I try to convey to my wife how I'm feeling she brushes it off and tells me I'm fine.  I just need to relax, breathe and I'd be fine...sound familiar?

I'm suppose to call the crisis hotline if/ when I feel I might kill myself?  I don't think the contract was about hurting myself?  Anyways, that's how I recall our "agreement".  If the crisis hot line is not available I am suppose to go to ER Dept.???  

I went home and met my wife for lunch...I actually fell asleep twice driving home.  Each time I woke up as I drifted into oncoming traffic!  I keep telling my wife I shouldn't be driving.  However, she can't afford to take off work for all my doctor's appointments!  I'm constantly seeing doctor after doctor and average 2+ a week!

Anyways, my wife took the afternoon off, because she was exhausted from working OT every day except for Sundays.  I felt so sick...nerves going haywire inside, I had a fever and even though my stomach was aching I couldn't eat much. After lunch at an Indian restaurant we went home where I collapsed in bed.  I was freezing, even though I was burning up inside.  I hate this feeling!  I'm sweating under blankets while I have a constant cold chill going up and down my spine and my nose was frozen! Anyways, I managed to finally get some sleep for a few hours.

My wife woke me up to go pick up our housemate from his work.  Although I protested...I ended up going.  Luckily I didn't fall asleep.  I picked him up and dropped him off at the house.  Then I went to my local Home Depot store and bought some new tools!  I just have this urge to self harm as I did many years before.  It's hard to explain why I have this need to hurt myself...it's like my way of feeling again...a way of punishing myself for all the bad choices I made that led me down this path.  I know it's not logical thinking, but it's inside me...

Before I left, I told my Psychologist that I live in the town I once patrolled as a police officer.  Should I be E.C.O.ed (Emergency Custody Order) that means the officers I worked with would come to my house and handcuff me and take me to the hospital.  I told her that if this happens, there is just one way I'm leaving my house and that's feet first.  She said that I shouldn't allow the police department to have this control over me and that it wasn't a logical thought process or something like that.  I told her that even though it may seem to her to be an illogical thought, it's how I feel and it's very real.  She just said that it would be best if I just admitted myself, should I feel I need to.  What I need to do is to go play with my new tools.  

Relax, breathe, breathe...take it one ___ at a time. LOL

Charles

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7439
   Posted 4/30/2012 11:04 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi No worries.
Safety contracts are easy to sign.  However you can keep the promise! Takes work and faith on your part, better than the alternative thought.
Self harm only perpetuates the be feelings.  I know I have been struggling for over a year now.  Been good since January. 
 
You can call people just to talk to get you mind off the issue.  Distraction is the best tool you have, then mindful practices!
 
I am so sorry to hear you are still struggling so badly.  Proud to hear your progress though! yeah Remember this stuff is a roller coaster ride.  We beat it for a while then we go back down, but we go back down fighting with ammo now! The ride up is smoother and longer the next time.
 
Take care and keep working on you!
Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; MDD

AngMichelle
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 932
   Posted 4/30/2012 11:12 AM (GMT -6)   
hey man, we had this talk before, but you have got to slow down and get some Help. I know you went to your psychologist and i want you to know how BIG of a step that was! You have an appointment monday(well today) with a Phyciatrist right? I"d like to know what they have to say.
I really think an in-patient stabilization may help you. I have found, that sometimes, getting to STAY is actually the hard part as some insurances want you out fast. I think maybe getting away from the worries of the outside world for just a few days may help. But if you don't see that as an option take advantage of the out patient help you are getting. It may take a while to really get things started, but it will happen. Just seeing your post on here lets me know you are reaching out for help, and that proves you still have SOME kind of fight left in you, no matter how small that may be, its there. GRASP HOLD of that fight!
Please stay safe, and do the things like calling crisis for help, and letting people know when you need some help.
Someday, you may just have to say, "Listen, I know how to BS my way through this, but you have to listen to me NOW, and help me NOW." Doctors/Psych's actually really respect when a person stands up and is bold is asking for help.
Please be safe and remember what I told you,
You deserve the BEST life and love have to offer.
Tell yourself that out loud if you have to many times a day, even if you don't believe it, "I deserve the best Life and Love have to offer",
{ } that represents some space; space for peace, rest and healing!!!
Ang
27 years old
Dx's: Depression/anxiety, Non-Epileptic Seizures, Migraines, repeat joint dislocations, suppressed immune system
14 Major surgeries
Meds: Cymbalta, Vyvanse, Valium, Trazadone, Ambien, Loratab

No Worries!
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 225
   Posted 4/30/2012 10:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey guys, 

I mixed up my dates again...my Psychiatrist appt. is tmw, not today.  I'm always confused and forgetful and I can't concentrate.  I will go upstairs to get something and when I get to the top of the stairs I forgot what I wanted to get.  I often will say or sign what I need as I go to get it!  I seldom wear a watch and don't remember what day it is.  

Anyways...Yes bnotafraid, signing the safety contract was too easy.  No, I guess I couldn't keep my promise...I couldn't stop. When I become upset or angry I feel the need and it won't go away.  Mostly I'm angry with myself, but sometimes with other people, but I take it all out on me.  I don't think I could hurt anyone else, just me and I don't care.

I don't want to go now to my Psychiatrist's appt.  I don't want to lie about what I did to myself, but I don't want to be hospitalized.  All this stress, anger and fear is propelling me into a vicious cycle.  The more harm I cause myself, the more ashamed and angry I become and I have this uncontrollable urge to then punish myself.

I'm more likely than not going to lie about breaking my contract to avoid going to the hospital.  It doesn't matter if I tell or don't...either way I'm going to be angry and want to vent on myself.  

Ang, I may benefit from a stay at the shrink hotel, but it's going to unravel as soon as I get out and have to deal with my wife.  She already doesn't support me seeing a Psychologist... I tried talking to her, but she doesn't want to think about it.  Her way of dealing is by not dealing.  

This totally confuses me.  I know she loves me and doesn't want me to do anything stupid, but she doesn't want me to get outside help?  I haven't bothered showing her my 'art work' yet and I don't want her to see it either. That's not why I did it...I'm ashamed of it.  Besides, I know she won't understand and she'll only yell at me to stop.  This, I know will trigger me into another 'fit' and so on and so on...

However, if I go in the hospital (by choice or force) I don't know if she'll be there for me when I get out?  Since she's deaf, if they allow her to call me, we will probably have to use the relay service, which she won't want.  I know she will be embarrassed and ashamed of me too.  She'll never let me forget it either.  That's just how she is.  

Honestly, sometimes I feel my wife is one of my triggers!  How sad and messed up is that?  I love her and would never leave her.  I doubt she'll leave me too, but it's a split between her love for me and for my future benefits/income.  She needs me to buy our single family home, which she is hoping for by next year.  

Again, she'll never let me forget, or forgive myself for landing in the Psych Ward.  I wish I could be a stronger person.  I don't want attention, I need help.  I feel d*mned if I do and d*mned if I don't... Aaaaaaagh! I feel I need a good cry to help purge these feelings, but I can't cry.  Yet, tomorrow I'll probably be bawling like a freakin baby in my Psychiatrist's office, which angers me.

What should I say or do?  I so want to deny ever saying what I said, but then again they have my journals.  There I told them everything, well just about everything.  I just remembered another way I 'punished' myself when I was angry or upset for being weak or doing something stupid.  Man, I really messed my arm up good.  I'm so stupid...very stupid!  Funny, my wife is extremely apposed to tattoos...after all, they're forever!

Please don't give up on me...I'm trying to get help, but at the same time I'm afraid of those consequences.  I keep hoping it will stop by itself and I will wake up from this nightmare.  Of course, I need to have slept to have nightmares.  I can't remember the last time I actually had a dream.  Maybe if I go to the hospital they can put me to sleep for a few days?  Then I will wake up with my batteries recharged and I can go home and not be angry or ashamed of myself anymore?  

Then again, I can't afford another hospital bill!  Good grief!  I'm done...this can go in circles forever.  I'm sorry guys... I'm done spinning my wheels and making the fake Vrooooom sounds. LOL

I guess I could be as messed up as the person who wrote this... How fortunate are we!

Cheers!

Charles

AngMichelle
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 932
   Posted 4/30/2012 11:29 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't know what else I can say anymore. I wish you the best. Hang in there.
27 years old
Dx's: Depression/anxiety, Non-Epileptic Seizures, Migraines, repeat joint dislocations, suppressed immune system
14 Major surgeries since 2003
Meds: Cymbalta-Depression/nerve pain, Valium-PRN anxiety/sleep, Trazadone-sleep, Ambien/sonta(take one everyother day to resist tolerance;not working), Lortab PRN-shoulder pain

""I am worthy of the BEST life and love have to offer!"

No Worries!
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 225
   Posted 5/1/2012 2:31 AM (GMT -6)   
Ang,

No worries...I'll sort it out. As Karen said, writing how I feel is at present time the only outlet I have. Except for my Psychologist/ Psychiatrist visits, which are short and expensive. I don't fully understand why I feel so messed up and I can't stop doing certain activities even though I know I shouldn't do it. Who knows, maybe I'll be convinced to go for a brief stay in the hospital tomorrow (well, today). OR NOT!

Besides, you have enough worries of your own Ang. I responded to your post. I completely understand where you're coming from with the crap from the ER. I hate the ER and the doctors there. They don't know me, but they assume they know my 'conditions' and treat me accordingly. I really dislike the addicts who go to the ER for their fix. The doctors are so afraid of falling for the old, 'I'm in a lot of pain Doc' trick that they seldom treat those of us who truly are in CP and suffering.

A few weeks ago I was so sick I couldn't even hold water in me. I couldn't take my pain meds and I became dehydrated with a very bad fever. The ER doctor was hesitant to give me any pain meds. Heck I brought in all my medication, including a half full bottle of morphine pills. I had no reason to pretend I was in a lot of pain. She did wonder how I could be suffering withdrawals after nearly two days of missing my oral pain meds while I still have my Morphine Drug Pump. She treated me and was going to admit me, but another ER doctor sent me packing. I ended up at an Urgent Care facility the same day I was discharged from the ER. I don't ever want to return to that or any ER. Anyways, I'm scheduled to have my drug pump tested to see if it is actually working.

I hope your shoulder is better Ang. Thanks for reading my delirious fits and rants. Well, it's near 3:31am...still can't sleep. Insane indeed! LOL

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42503
   Posted 5/1/2012 7:17 AM (GMT -6)   
The main thing I want to say today is that it seems like you worry more about what your wife thinks than caring for yourself. Put yourself first in this matter. Get the help that you need and don't let her feelings persuade you otherwise. You need help right now and I don't want her to stop you from getting it. I don't think she understands the severity of how you are feeling.

Hang in there, you are doing good at that. And keep checking in here daily. I think it is helping you some.

Know that we all care.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

No Worries!
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 225
   Posted 5/1/2012 9:47 AM (GMT -6)   
Karen,

When you're right, you're right!  I don't like myself and I never have.  To make matters worse I'm a Type-A personality and my own worse critic.  Writing here helps in that I can express what I feel, but of course it's limited.  It doesn't help when I often fail to express myself in a way that my point of view is at least understood, though seldom agreeable to others.  

It doesn't help when afterwards all I've managed was to make others too uncomfortable and incapable of offering me advice.  I hate that I come to this wonderful and supportive forum and muck up the mood and cause others to feel helpless when I know how much they want to help me, but they can't. This is not a competition for attention, I'm merely trying to deal with a lifetime of misery and self hatred, but I don't want it done at the expense of someone else's recovery.  

I feel horrible each time I mindlessly write very real and very personal detailed experiences so that I am better understood, but in the end I've send a troubling and triggering message that must be edited/deleted.  Each time my post gets edited/deleted and they reply states this, I feel so ashamed and guilty for possibly triggering even one recovering soul.  I feel selfish and foolish, because I've always put the safety and concern of others far ahead of my own.  Yet here I am rambling on and on about my pathetic life, knowing full well that there is nothing anyone can say or do that's going to help...not at this point and time.

I also recognize that I need and WANT help, which makes things worse when I come to the realization that my wife is not on the same page.  She's in the middle of our life's story while I'm basically at the end of our book.  She is in such denial, that no matter how I try to convey the severity of my situation, to her I'm fine and I should relax and enjoy my "vacation" or forced retirement.  

So I question if I am doing more harm than good posting here?  Am I triggering others? Am I making others feel uncomfortable or questioning their own recovery when their words of encouragement and support fall on my deaf eyes?  I have no other outlet, no friends or family and no wife.  Even so, I wouldn't hesitate to stop posting if anyone at all feels it is for the best.

Let me know...meanwhile I need to get ready for my first Psychiatrist appointment.  I sure hope I don't muck things up!

Cheers,

Charles

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42503
   Posted 5/1/2012 10:41 AM (GMT -6)   
You wont muck things up Charles, you are going there for help. I hope you get a good psychiatrist that will have some answers for you. Make sure you explain the stress that you are under from the workman's comp case and the ssi.

Charles, you don't trigger others as long as you stay in the guidelines of the rules. And you have been doing that. So try to forget about that. Others here do care about you. Sometimes people are sick and don't post, but they do read and I am sure that they send you their blessings. Just remember that when others don't feel good, they often read, but don't always respond.

You are coming along. It is taking time for you to get better, but I think it helps you to post here. At least this way you can get things out. And off of your chest.

I wish you would care more about yourself, but just the fact that you are going to see the psychiatrist shows that you are trying. That means a lot. You are taking huge steps to get help. Don't turn back. Even if this isn't the right doctor for you, but I think he/she will be, but there are many psychiatrists that can help you. I just hope this is a good one and that they can understand what you are going through.

Try to stop doubting yourself. Like I say, you are progressing. I can see it in your posts. Keep trying, keep posting.

Hugs...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Jim1969
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 5/1/2012 12:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Charles, do you think it might help your wife understand things better if she were to speak to your psychiatrist? Maybe hearing and learning about depression from a professional might help her get on the same page and be a little more supportive.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.
Moderator Depression Forum.

No Worries!
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 225
   Posted 5/1/2012 8:42 PM (GMT -6)   
Karen,

I didn't think that my post expressed or complained about the lack of response from others. I guess I once again failed to deliver my thoughts in a clear manner. The point I was trying to make was that some people may read my posts, but have no clue what to say to me and I get that. I realize that many are readers and not in a good enough place to offer words of encouragement, etc. My concern was that my posts may bring another person down who may be already on the edge...

Jim, it's a great suggestion, but my wife CAN NOT deal with even the thought of me AND HER seeing a Pyschiatrist. It's just not an option. I myself have struggled with seeking help from the mental health aspect. I still have my doubts that my problems can be fixed. Yet, I'm still going to try... I've always been the rock and support of so many people, it's tough to be on the other side. It's worse when my 'so called friends' have all abandoned me. Well, except for two who live in another state, but they have zero time for me and my issues. They have their family and careers and a hectic schedule with their kids activities. I've tried calling or texting them, but they seldom have time to reply.

I don't speak to half my family and those I do speak with I absolutely do not want them to worry about my depression. They already worry about my physical disabilities and CP and can do nothing to help. They live several states away and all they end up doing is making me feel guilty, because they worry about me.

Cheers!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42503
   Posted 5/2/2012 4:24 AM (GMT -6)   
No worries Charles,

I must have misinterpreted or got off track. I do that. My mind isn't always the greatest anymore. I think it is helping you to post. So continue...

I hope this is a good day for you. Just got up an dnot awake yet...

Hugs...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

No Worries!
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 225
   Posted 5/18/2012 11:01 PM (GMT -6)   
Karen,

The same day you posted your reply was the day I finally went to the ER and was admitted for suicidal thoughts and self harming. I apologize for not replying until now, but I was only discharged this evening.

I want to post a new thread and discuss my experiences while inpatient, but it may be slightly lame when I can not discuss the "S" word and explanations of how and why I have fallen into the sad statistics of self-harming. I'm ashamed to admit I couldn't even go me freakin DAY WITHOUT HARMING MYSELF! I can try and rationalize it by saying it was but a wee harm, but I KNOW ANY HARM IS WRONG.

I think I was discharged too early...I pray to God I can survive myself! Karen, I so enjoyed posting positive words of encouragement to those who were struggling, but how can I help others when I can't even help myself? Throughout everything my wife was a real trooper. I feel most wives would have left their husband by now. I'm so afraid she might still do that if I end up returning to the hospital. What can I do? What should I do? I have an appt. with my outside Psychiatrist on Monday. This will only be the 2nd time I've seen her since our 1st appt. where she refused to treat me unless I went inpatient for intensive therapy. I really liked my hospital Psychiatrist...

Crying and drowning from the inside out...

Living Well
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 5/19/2012 1:16 AM (GMT -6)   
Would she leave you if you had cancer? No. Everyone gets sick and it ebbs and flows in marriage and your wife is suffering less than what you are.

I'd love to know what your couple of weeks in hospital were like for you - the highs and the lows - and where there was progress made.

Good to see you back, even if you don't feel safe and well xxx

Living Well
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 5/19/2012 1:18 AM (GMT -6)   
I found the thread Charles :)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42503
   Posted 5/19/2012 6:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Charles,

Even though you are still struggling, you sound better. This is such a gradual process. Hang in ther my friend. You will get to the other side of the tunnel. And see the light. I am sorry the forum is limited on what we can talk about. But the rules by admin don't allow it. But we know what you are goign through regardless. Often many of us have been there.

I am glad you are home, keep that appt. You are on a healing journey now Charles. And we are there with you

Hugs, Karen

PS Will write more, just got up...lol... Half asleep...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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