Posted 4/30/2012 10:23 PM (GMT -6)
I mixed up my dates again...my Psychiatrist appt. is tmw, not today. I'm always confused and forgetful and I can't concentrate. I will go upstairs to get something and when I get to the top of the stairs I forgot what I wanted to get. I often will say or sign what I need as I go to get it! I seldom wear a watch and don't remember what day it is.
Anyways...Yes bnotafraid, signing the safety contract was too easy. No, I guess I couldn't keep my promise...I couldn't stop. When I become upset or angry I feel the need and it won't go away. Mostly I'm angry with myself, but sometimes with other people, but I take it all out on me. I don't think I could hurt anyone else, just me and I don't care.
I don't want to go now to my Psychiatrist's appt. I don't want to lie about what I did to myself, but I don't want to be hospitalized. All this stress, anger and fear is propelling me into a vicious cycle. The more harm I cause myself, the more ashamed and angry I become and I have this uncontrollable urge to then punish myself.
I'm more likely than not going to lie about breaking my contract to avoid going to the hospital. It doesn't matter if I tell or don't...either way I'm going to be angry and want to vent on myself.
Ang, I may benefit from a stay at the shrink hotel, but it's going to unravel as soon as I get out and have to deal with my wife. She already doesn't support me seeing a Psychologist... I tried talking to her, but she doesn't want to think about it. Her way of dealing is by not dealing.
This totally confuses me. I know she loves me and doesn't want me to do anything stupid, but she doesn't want me to get outside help? I haven't bothered showing her my 'art work' yet and I don't want her to see it either. That's not why I did it...I'm ashamed of it. Besides, I know she won't understand and she'll only yell at me to stop. This, I know will trigger me into another 'fit' and so on and so on...
However, if I go in the hospital (by choice or force) I don't know if she'll be there for me when I get out? Since she's deaf, if they allow her to call me, we will probably have to use the relay service, which she won't want. I know she will be embarrassed and ashamed of me too. She'll never let me forget it either. That's just how she is.
Honestly, sometimes I feel my wife is one of my triggers! How sad and messed up is that? I love her and would never leave her. I doubt she'll leave me too, but it's a split between her love for me and for my future benefits/income. She needs me to buy our single family home, which she is hoping for by next year.
Again, she'll never let me forget, or forgive myself for landing in the Psych Ward. I wish I could be a stronger person. I don't want attention, I need help. I feel d*mned if I do and d*mned if I don't... Aaaaaaagh! I feel I need a good cry to help purge these feelings, but I can't cry. Yet, tomorrow I'll probably be bawling like a freakin baby in my Psychiatrist's office, which angers me.
What should I say or do? I so want to deny ever saying what I said, but then again they have my journals. There I told them everything, well just about everything. I just remembered another way I 'punished' myself when I was angry or upset for being weak or doing something stupid. Man, I really messed my arm up good. I'm so stupid...very stupid! Funny, my wife is extremely apposed to tattoos...after all, they're forever!
Please don't give up on me...I'm trying to get help, but at the same time I'm afraid of those consequences. I keep hoping it will stop by itself and I will wake up from this nightmare. Of course, I need to have slept to have nightmares. I can't remember the last time I actually had a dream. Maybe if I go to the hospital they can put me to sleep for a few days? Then I will wake up with my batteries recharged and I can go home and not be angry or ashamed of myself anymore?
Then again, I can't afford another hospital bill! Good grief! I'm done...this can go in circles forever. I'm sorry guys... I'm done spinning my wheels and making the fake Vrooooom sounds. LOL
I guess I could be as messed up as the person who wrote this... How fortunate are we!