This is the
fourth time in my life I’ve gone through a battle with depression, and it never
gets any easier. You might think that there’s an element of getting used to it
or that you would gather more methods to help yourself to where it would become
manageable, but it just doesn’t work that way for me, at least not right now. I wake up every day feeling incredibly nervous
and tense. The feeling doesn’t go away, it attaches itself to me for most of
the day, and there is very little that can be done to combat it effectively. The
inability to escape is what makes it such a cruel predicament; you just don’t
have a way to take a break from your own mind.
I do employ
medications and other therapies but I mainly feel like I’m just waiting for
enough time to pass until I reach a point where I don’t feel this way anymore.
I’ve been able to get through it before, but I remember how hard it was and I
don’t know how I managed to get through it. Even knowing I’ve come out of it
before, I still feel very concerned that I may not recover this time.
I spend a lot
of time thinking about being stuck and worrying about how long I will be stuck.
I feel like I’m right on the edge of tears most of the time. Everything I
experience throughout the day somehow makes me feel bad. When I see someone I
care about, I can only think about what a disappointment I am. If I see people
happy it reminds me how sad I am and how I envy them. When I see beauty or
something I used to enjoy, it fills me with regret that I no longer find
pleasure in it.
the worry about being able to work and be effective again the way I used to be.
Right now I have a very hard time concentrating and the simplest tasks seem
difficult because I have so many anxious thoughts and worries running through
my mind. I feel like in my condition I’m completely worthless. I don’t think I
would be willing to exist as a person who can’t support himself. If I were to lose
my job and become a burden to others, it would take away any will I have to be
else that adds to my sorrow is that I feel I have not lived my life the way I
believe life should be lived. I’ve mostly lived life selfishly, just doing whatever
I want to do whenever I feel like doing it. I wish I would have done a lot more
to help others or just bring joy to others, but that hasn’t been a priority for
me. I’ve also been sinful and not lived as a follower of Christ, and that has caused
me a great deal of guilt. I’ve asked God’s forgiveness and I’m trying to accept
and believe that he’s forgiven me and am also trying to forgive myself. If I
can somehow survive this misery I hope I can live a life that’s based more on
loving and kindness.