How it is. . .

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Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 46
   Posted 5/1/2012 11:43 AM (GMT -6)   

This is the fourth time in my life I’ve gone through a battle with depression, and it never gets any easier. You might think that there’s an element of getting used to it or that you would gather more methods to help yourself to where it would become manageable, but it just doesn’t work that way for me, at least not right now.  I wake up every day feeling incredibly nervous and tense. The feeling doesn’t go away, it attaches itself to me for most of the day, and there is very little that can be done to combat it effectively. The inability to escape is what makes it such a cruel predicament; you just don’t have a way to take a break from your own mind.

I do employ medications and other therapies but I mainly feel like I’m just waiting for enough time to pass until I reach a point where I don’t feel this way anymore. I’ve been able to get through it before, but I remember how hard it was and I don’t know how I managed to get through it. Even knowing I’ve come out of it before, I still feel very concerned that I may not recover this time.

I spend a lot of time thinking about being stuck and worrying about how long I will be stuck. I feel like I’m right on the edge of tears most of the time. Everything I experience throughout the day somehow makes me feel bad. When I see someone I care about, I can only think about what a disappointment I am. If I see people happy it reminds me how sad I am and how I envy them. When I see beauty or something I used to enjoy, it fills me with regret that I no longer find pleasure in it.

There’s also the worry about being able to work and be effective again the way I used to be. Right now I have a very hard time concentrating and the simplest tasks seem difficult because I have so many anxious thoughts and worries running through my mind. I feel like in my condition I’m completely worthless. I don’t think I would be willing to exist as a person who can’t support himself. If I were to lose my job and become a burden to others, it would take away any will I have to be alive.

Something else that adds to my sorrow is that I feel I have not lived my life the way I believe life should be lived. I’ve mostly lived life selfishly, just doing whatever I want to do whenever I feel like doing it. I wish I would have done a lot more to help others or just bring joy to others, but that hasn’t been a priority for me. I’ve also been sinful and not lived as a follower of Christ, and that has caused me a great deal of guilt. I’ve asked God’s forgiveness and I’m trying to accept and believe that he’s forgiven me and am also trying to forgive myself. If I can somehow survive this misery I hope I can live a life that’s based more on loving and kindness.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 5/1/2012 12:08 PM (GMT -6)   
You are stuck in a hard place right now. I think what would help you is to learn mindfulness. It takes away any feelings of guilt from the past, and opens you up for what the future might hold. Living in the now is the way to go. It takes practice though. Maybe start out with meditation. It really helps you to find peace and mindfulness.

It is never too late to start volunteering. Maybe you would look around and see if there is somewhere that needs help a few hours a week. It would probably help you to feel better about yourself.

Try to forget about the past and any past mistakes you have made. And remember that is what makes us who we are today. We all make mistakes in life. And they probably aren't even as bad as you are thinking that they are. But we learn from them.

With mindfullness, you learn to focus on what you are doing at any given time. It will help you concentrate on the task at hand. opening up your mind to this can make a huge difference in your life.

Do you see a counselor or anything? They can guide you through this learning process. You are on a healing journey. But it is up to you to continue it. It can't hurt, that is for sure. Just keep trying. Get some books on mindfulness and read them. Practice that and you will feel a huge burden lifted off of your shoulders.

Keep on posting.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 5/1/2012 12:13 PM (GMT -6)   
If you are like most people you probably have had the flu or some kind of stomach virus a few times in your life. When things are at their worst and you are spending more time in the bathroom in front of the toilet there is little comfort to be found knowing that things will start getting better in a few days because you have been through this before.

While the flu is a physical issue and you are experiencing an emotional one it is the same principal, but while you may find little to no immediate comfort in the knowledge that you have gotten better before you can still take a measure of strength in that knowledge.

As far as your life goes and how you live it you can choose to be any type of person you want to be. It can and probably will take time and effort to change and get rid of the habits that you do not like but it can be done. Do not worry about how others view you or compare yourself to other people. Just worry about you and becoming the kind of person you want to be and are happy to see looking back at you in the mirror everyday. When you become happy with the who the person in the mirror is on the inside others will see it too.

2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.
Moderator Depression Forum.

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 46
   Posted 5/1/2012 7:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks to both of you for your suggestions, I'm grateful to have people like you on this forum. It really does make a difference.
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