Leaving a Boyfriend

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BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 5/3/2012 7:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi.

I've "lived" in a city by myself 3,000 miles away from my family for just over a year. For several months, I've been dating a guy whose family lives on the other side of the country too. He knows I have depression, but I don't think he knows how bad I really feel. He's the only thing going well in my life, and I'm really happy when I'm with him. The problem is, when I'm not with him, I'm not functioning. I don't eat well, I don't have healthy sleep habits, and I don't get out and do things. My parents have all but convinced me that I should come home and "recharge my batteries". My mom even offered to fly out in two months to help me move. I know it's the right decision, but the thought of having to break up with my boyfriend is really sad and scary. It feels like I'm being punished for being depressed.

If I do decide to go home in two months, I want to tell my boyfriend so he knows what's going on. I'm afraid after I do that the next two months are going to be terrible. Why don't we just break up now since we know that two months down the road it's going to happen anyway?

I know I can't know what's going to happen in the future, but I think it's realistic to say that this guy and I won't be together again. Which is really depressing. I don't know how to handle this. It's a lot of change, and a lot of adjusting... I'd be giving up a lot, but I'm not happy here. The problem is, I don't know that I'll be happy back home, either. Maybe I'll be more depressed because I won't have my boyfriend.

He's the only thing that makes me happy...

Sorry this is so disjointed. The bottom line is I know that moving home is the right, healthy decision, but I can't make myself say that out loud because it means leaving my boyfriend. The stupid part is that agonizing over the decision and pretending that I might stay is just making everything terrible. I'm anxious, and I'm frustrating him because it's all I talk about. I don't want to break up with him. I'm sick over having to make this choice. I cry 24/7. Even at work.

I don't have a plan when I get home, and I feel like my life is crumbling.

How do I leave someone I love knowing that we won't be together again?

I feel awful.

medved
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 1096
   Posted 5/3/2012 8:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey Moon.  Tough situation you are in.  Seems like there's no "right answer."  Of course, nobody here can tell you what to do - only you can decide.  But maybe moving back with your parents is not the right call, right now.  Maybe you should get some therapy, enjoy the relationship, and see where things go.  You can always move back later, if it does not work out.  As you say, if you move back with your parents, that does not mean your depression will  go away.  It may come with you, as "carry on baggage."  What makes you think you can get over depression any easier after you move?  Can you be  honest with  your boyfriend about the extent of  your depression (without scaring him), and then take some steps to address it, including therapy?  Of course, I am not telling  you what you should do. That would be terribly presumptious.  I don't even know you!  Just something  to think about because giving up a good relationship is tough.  Whatever you decide, I wish you well. 

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 5/5/2012 7:22 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks medved. I do have to decide, and it's really hard. Today was definitely an "I want to go home" day, which was good because I saw my psych and I feel like he actually got to see how bad I feel.

My depression followed me out here, so I'm sure it wouldn't go away if I went home, but I feel like I would be safer.

Today I'm using alcohol to solve my problems. Today is not a good day.

medved
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 1096
   Posted 5/5/2012 7:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Moon - sorry to hear its a tough day. I had a lousy day yesterday, so I guess I can relate. Be careful with the drinking. I like to drink - and I do so regularly - but you need watch it when you're depressed. You don't want to create more probs for yourself. Be safe. Medved

Alaskah
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 5/5/2012 9:20 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm sorry to hear about your difficult situation. Personally, I believe that in order to have a truly healthy, happy relationship with another person, we have to first find ourselves the help we need. You said that you are not functioning when you are not with him - that places a large amount of pressure on him to keep you happy. I can't say whether I think moving home will help you, as only you know the full situation and all of the feelings behind it. But I do agree that you need to find yourself some professional help so that you can be just as healthy and functioning without him as you are with him.

Would you be able to just take a "vacation" home for a month or so, that way you have a little time to "recharge" without actually leaving him permanently? Being away from him temporarily and being home might help you to see whether you can make the move permanent or not. Of course, I don't know if this is financially possible for you.

What brought you across the country in the first place? Is that reason still something that makes you want to stay? What would change for you if you went home?

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 5/6/2012 1:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello.

I know that admitting that my boyfriend is the only thing that makes me happy places too much pressure on him. That's part of the reason I feel so terrible.

I'm scared because I am getting professional help. I see a psychiatrist about every other week and I'm on Wellbutrin (it's not helping).

I took a "vacation" of sorts home a couple of weeks ago for my mom's birthday. I don't think it would be possible to do that again. It would be too expensive, and I'd have to decide what to do with my apartment and all my stuff. Bottom line is, I need to decide to stay or leave.

I came out here in the first place because I thought it would be a change of pace. Fewer people on the west coast care about what school you went to, or who your family is. I think I thought that my problems wouldn't follow me, but they did. The only reason I want to stay is because of my boyfriend. Which isn't fair to either of us. I know that logically "there are other fish in the sea" and all that, but this is making me really anxious and sad.

Going home would give me a chance to reboot. I'd have the support of my family (I have some family here, but I never see them), and a little bit of pressure would be taken off temporarily. I'm scared because I can't know for sure that things would change if I went home. I was depressed before I left in the first place, though, so I'm thinking it can't be much worse.

I don't know. Today is an awful, awful, day. I haven't gotten out of bed. All the food in my house is rotting, there are dishes in the sink, my apartment is filthy, and I can't bring myself to do anything but cry. I don't know how I'm going to get to work tomorrow. I feel really rotten. I tried calling my parents just now to talk, but no one was home.

I feel so alone...

I need to go home, but telling my boyfriend that will kill me.
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 5/6/2012 2:26 PM (GMT -6)   
You are going to have to make a decision sooner or later. Putting it off is only causing you more anxiety. Weigh it out. You shouldn't be the only one having to bear the burden of all of this. What does your boyfriend feel about you leaving? Does he care? You have never said how he felt.

If it is meant to be between you and him, it will... Try going home and see what happens. If he wants to be with you, he will find a way to... Let him sweat for awhile...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Alaskah
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 5/6/2012 6:58 PM (GMT -6)   
How did you feel when you went home before? Was it refreshing, or did everything just feel the same? Have you spoken with your boyfriend at all about your decision to stay or leave? It might seem like a terrible position to put him in if you spoke to him about it, but maybe seeing his reaction will help you make a decision.

If the psychiatrist and medication aren't working, then maybe you need a different counseling style or different medication. How long have you been seeing your current doctor? Have you spoken with him/her about how your current treatment is not effective? How do they respond?

I agree with Karen - even if you do move home, you never know; he might follow you, or you might keep in touch and end up moving back out to him. Long-distance relationships are tough, but if it's meant to be, it will be worth it.
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