I've "lived" in a city by myself 3,000 miles away from my family for just over a year. For several months, I've been dating a guy whose family lives on the other side of the country too. He knows I have depression, but I don't think he knows how bad I really feel. He's the only thing going well in my life, and I'm really happy when I'm with him. The problem is, when I'm not with him, I'm not functioning. I don't eat well, I don't have healthy sleep habits, and I don't get out and do things. My parents have all but convinced me that I should come home and "recharge my batteries". My mom even offered to fly out in two months to help me move. I know it's the right decision, but the thought of having to break up with my boyfriend is really sad and scary. It feels like I'm being punished for being depressed.
If I do decide to go home in two months, I want to tell my boyfriend so he knows what's going on. I'm afraid after I do that the next two months are going to be terrible. Why don't we just break up now since we know that two months down the road it's going to happen anyway?
I know I can't know what's going to happen in the future, but I think it's realistic to say that this guy and I won't be together again. Which is really depressing. I don't know how to handle this. It's a lot of change, and a lot of adjusting... I'd be giving up a lot, but I'm not happy here. The problem is, I don't know that I'll be happy back home, either. Maybe I'll be more depressed because I won't have my boyfriend.
He's the only thing that makes me happy...
Sorry this is so disjointed. The bottom line is I know that moving home is the right, healthy decision, but I can't make myself say that out loud because it means leaving my boyfriend. The stupid part is that agonizing over the decision and pretending that I might stay is just making everything terrible. I'm anxious, and I'm frustrating him because it's all I talk about. I don't want to break up with him. I'm sick over having to make this choice. I cry 24/7. Even at work.
I don't have a plan when I get home, and I feel like my life is crumbling.
How do I leave someone I love knowing that we won't be together again?
I feel awful.