How Loved Ones Hurt You.

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harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 5/4/2012 3:10 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi all,
 
I haven't been on the HW site for a long time but I  now find myself needing some good advice.
 
I currently have my daughter and her husband and my darling little 14 month old grandaughter (my only grandchild so far) visiting my husband and myself, from Sweden.  My daughter has been over there for 13 years now and although I have accepted that that is now where she calls home, it doesn't stop me wishing that they would moved back to Australia soon.
 
Today I kind of dumped myself in it big time by asking them had they thought about if anything happened to both of them who would look after their daughter (who I must say I have grown so attached to more than ever since she has been in my house).  Their first response was his mother would get her to which my response was that she is too old as she is already 70.  Then they said his father who lives in Poland would then be next in line and again I said he is definitely too old at 75.  Then their next response was one of his three sisters would take her.  I couldn't help it, but the tears welled up in my eyes and I said tearfully "What about your father and I?" to which my daughter said that we are too far away and will probably be too old as well.  I am 58 and my husband is 63. 
 
I know this is all hypothetical, but why did it hurt me so bad, I haven't stopped crying all day both inside and mostly in secret.  I know I left myself wide open for a blow below the belt and I sure got it.
 
Does anybody else know or can you understand how I am feeling?
 
Harrington 49

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 5/4/2012 6:00 AM (GMT -6)   
I am so sorry to hear your daughter didn't pick you first. You and your hubby would be the best candidates for this. And who's to say she would'nt go to you if (God Forbid) anything did happen. Maybe it is the distance...

Sweetie, I will write you an email on this. I am actually half asleep. Still pumping coffee into me.

I am sure others will have some suggestions. There has to be a way to work this out...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 5/4/2012 7:16 AM (GMT -6)   
Our kids change, Harrington; that's the only explanation I can give for it.  And sometimes they don't think that what they're saying may be hurting someone else.

I suspect in your case that it's the fact that they want the child reared in Sweden close to his family.

I would imagine that you and your daughter had a good relationship while she was growing up, didin't you?

I know it hurts; letting them go always hurts so much.

Take care and know that we've all been there in one way or another. Try to dry your tears after the emotional blow is over and realize that their lives are very different now that they are married.

If I had to guess, I'd say that her husband may be from a large family and groups like that are very close and not very good givers in the sense that they want to share their family with others readily. Just remember, it's all in God's hands ultimately.

With sympathy and understanding,

It's Genetic

Jim1969
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Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 5/4/2012 9:24 AM (GMT -6)   
I understand how you feel. I really do. While it is not a grandchild I do have a niece that I dearly love and my wife and I are 3rd on the list of who would take care of her if something happened to her parents (my wife's sister and her husband). We can understand being 2nd behind my wife's parents since they all share a home but we don't really understand their choice of his parents ahead of us as they are in their late 60's and mid 70's.

Even though we know the odds good that nothing bad is going to happen and that if it does we would actually probably end up with our niece it still hurts not being higher up on the list.

This is one of those situations though where there really are no "winners". No matter what choices the parents make for the care of their children in the event they can no longer raise them someone is going to have their feelings hurt.

I suspect it was not your daughters intention to hurt you or make you feel like they consider you unfit to raise their child if the worst happens. Most likely they are primarily thinking about keeping their daughter in the same region of the world she is growing up in to minimize any additional trauma.

There are a few things I suggest you do. One is let your daughter know that you and your husband would be more than happy to take in their child in the event they are unable to care for her, but that you do respect their wishes at the same time.

Two: Ask your daughter to put in their will that you have visitation and contact rights regardless of who the child goes to live with. Ask her to make it out so that those visitation rights are both specific and general in nature. For example: 2 weeks during your grandchild's primary vacation from school in a location of your choosing and also as arranged and agreed upon in advance by you and whoever ends up being her guardian at other times within reason. Be sure that it includes a provision for any future children your daughter may have as well. Also have included that you are to be kept informed of your grandchildren's place of residence at all times. A lawyer/solicitor (whatever you call them) can work out the legal language. Also ask your daughter to specify in their will that you get a copy of it should they pass away. This way there is no way you can not be legally cut off from your grandchild/children and you will know exactly what is in the will.
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harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 5/5/2012 4:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all for your kind advice and replies.

It is now three days since we had that conversation and I have put it to the back of my mind, I have filed it in the "It hurt but forget it" category in my brain. I think my daughter could have at least comforted me when it all happened and it probably would have softened the blow but she didn't and I have to get over it.

I am just enjoying my precious little grandaughter for the last two days that they will be with us and I have no idea when we will see them again as they have no plans of returning to Australia for a long time and it is extremely expensive for us to travel to Sweden, but as the saying goes, you never know what is around the corner.

Thanks again.

Harrington 49
Kind Regards


Harrington 49

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 5/5/2012 5:25 PM (GMT -6)   
I hope you have a wonderful time with your granddaughter. Enjoy these last two days.

Let us know how it goes...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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