Posted 5/2/2005 8:34 AM (GMT -7)
i have to learn joy i think. i don't even remember real joy it's been so long. but i was using marijuana to cover it up and make myself think i was joyful, when in reality i've been a mess. i feel spurts of happiness, like when i think of my fiance, sports, music or things that i enjoy, but then something steps in and takes those thoughts away and replaces them with fear of dying, fear of a heart attack(long story), or just hopelessness in my job search or in what i want to be in life. i will get it back, i just need to work on getting everything out there and being open and not holding back. like rosie said, i was just like her with the human doormat thing. everybody walked all over me because i was afraid nobody would want to hang out with me if i stood up for myself. but i feel more willing to fight for myself. i actually got into an argument with someone at the gym the other day who was trash talking, and i put him in his place in front of his friends who were playing too. felt good, and i really didn;t even think twice about it. hopefully this is just the start for me.