I'm worried about my mother, advice appreciated

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Mattie.MM
New Member


Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 5/12/2012 12:57 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello,
My name is Mattie and 2 years ago my father died when I was 15. It's been a hard time for my entire family but slowly we've adjusted and have found a rather comfortable way to live. I still get sad about it, especially around certain dates, but in general I'd say I've done fairly well.

What I'm more worried about is my mother. After my father died, she began dating again after only 5 months. And she seems to gravitate toward demanding men who really don't seem like a good fit for a woman with children. She's currently been dating a guy for quite a few months, at least over half a year, and my brother and I really dislike him.

Well maybe dislike isn't the right word, we barely know the guy, and therein lies the problem. The man has a key to our house and clearly no interest in getting to know the family. When I try to talk to my mom about this, she gets angry and accuses me of 'trying to control her life' and thinks I'm just trying to break them up because I don't want to see her with anyone. But this isn't the case.

Just as an example I remember really liking this one guy she dated for a while. He was a father and knew how to act around kids, he really tried to make me and my brother feel integrated and show that we were a part of his and my mom's relationship. I liked that about him.

What I'm saying is that I don't mind my mom dating, but I'm afraid she's with this man because she's afraid to be alone. Since she's been dating she's never been single more than a month or two, and she's broken up with this guy twice already, and I know she's still using a dating website. I didn't think they have a good relationship and so I got worried, I've started talking to my friends and a few say this is likely her way of dealing with depression.

I wanted to ask if this sounds like that to anyone else and if I should ask her to go to therapy, and if I do, how to do it without her thinking I'm trying to be controlling. I don't like this man using my mother in her vulnerable state, and I want her to see that she can be happy without being romantically involved with someone so she'll know when she actually finds the right person.

Please help,
Mattie

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42297
   Posted 5/12/2012 4:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Mattie,
Do you think it would help if you started therapy first? Maybe then you can get her to come to one of your sessions and talk to her about it with somebody there to referie so to speak... This would give you somebody professional to bounce things off of. The way that you are feeling, what is going on in your life. I totally understand where you are coming from. You want to be included in with your mom's decisions and feel comfortable within the home. You are worried she is going to choose the wrong type of guy because she is lonely. I wouldnt want that for her either. But I thought if you went into counseling, it would help you to learn to talk to her in ways that she doesn't get offended. And help you through this. Let me know what you think. I don't think you have a problem or anything, I just think you could use the support.

Hugs, Karen

PS Welcome to the forum...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 5/12/2012 8:07 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi, Mattie, and welcome to the Depression Forum,

I think you're a very smart and mature young lady, and I'm certain that you mean well for your mother.

Your friends who advise that she may be in depression may be right, so counseling is the best way to go, in my opinion.

Take care of yourself; I really think you've got a lot on the ball.

It's Genetic

Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9661
   Posted 5/12/2012 1:39 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello Mattie,
you have been thru a lot, as your whole family has with the loss of your Father...
Many sympathies on that.
I think you best bet is to try and find a counselor at your school and talk about this and then
maybe from that you could ask your how to talk to your mom...as a counselor might be better able
to help you to talk to your mom and that has to come first. No don't say a word to
your mother yet that she should go to counseling as it could back fire on you...Go to your
library and look up and try to find books on how to talk to parents...and I do hope things can get better
for you soon...keep us posted as we do care...
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
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